Will I regret walking out?

[Eak1]

Turning to the collective wisdom of MN here because I can't keep mulling it over on my own.
I've been with DP for around 12 years. We never married, but I took his name before DS was born. We have 2 DCs - 3.5 & 1.5.
The last year has been truly awful. We've both been very stressed, and unfortunately for DP it manifested itself as a pretty awful temper. He has been abusive, both physically and verbally. I know I should have walked out after the first time, but I didn't because I believed it was a one off. It wasn't. It all reached a head around Christmas with a very bad event. I threatened to leave, and he said he would change. I gave him a chance because I really believed him. Since then, he hasn't been physically abusive, but his temper is very much in evidence at times. I've become quite detached now, and my mood (fairly depressed) is obviously winding him up and not helping matters.
All I ever think about is leaving him and am constantly looking for somewhere to rent. I'm more than prepared to be super reasonable about co-parenting. Whilst DP is a crap partner, he's a great dad.
What I can't resolve though, is whether this is the right thing to do. Maybe things are meant to be this hard? Perhaps I'm expecting a situation (relationship wise) that doesn't really exist? I don't even know if I'm strong enough to do it all on my own. I have no family nearby, my parents are elderly and I have very few friends (looking back, it feels as though DP quashed all of my friendships a while back).
Any advice or words of wisdom? Sorry for the v long post!

My advice: leave him. He's not a good dad. A good dad doesn't assault, verbally abuse and isolate the mother of his children. This is NOT normal or acceptable.

Actually, reading that back, I think I've answered my own question!

On the contrary I think you'll regret NOT walking out.

Yes, pinkyredrose, I think you're right. HellonHeels - that kind of straight talking is what I needed! I constantly doubt myself these days because I can't quite understand how this ended up happening to me.
I think I'm just using the tricky logistics as an excuse to not just get on with it because I'm worried about the impact it will have on DCs. I doubt it's much fun for them in the current situation though.

Will I regret walking out?

Yes, you probably will some days. You'll probably have times when you look back on the 'good' days with rose-tinted spectacles and desperately miss the great dad and partner he could and should have been.

The question you should actually ask is:

Should I walk out?

You know the only answer to this is yes. He has promised to change and hasn't. Just because he hasn't been physically abusive again yet doesn't mean he wont today/ tomorrow. We're only ten weeks on and he's already losing his temper. You might not survive next time and where would that leave your dcs with their oh so great dad in prison?

And I'm sure you know that watching their father be verbally and physically abusive to you is teaching your dcs the very very worst type of parenting. It is absolutely not worth the risk of staying in case he changes. Your dcs only get one chance of growing up in a happy household. Don't sacrifice their childhoods for a relationship with an imaginary man that doesn't exist.

Also fundamentally, I'm not even sure if I'm bothered if he did magically change anyway. I definitely don't love him, and some days don't even like him. We do still have nice days, moments etc, and they're what make me think it will all be OK and if I just cheered up and tried a bit harder it would all be OK. But writing that down makes me realise just how stupid that sounds! I'm an intelligent, successful woman, but you wouldn't know it from my posts!

Your Dc are very young, they will benefit from not feeling scared by his temper & atmosphere, even if there is no more physical violence.
What they are experiencing is everything that a healthy relationship should not be.

Eak

What do you get out of this relationship now exactly, what still keeps you with your abusive partner?.

I think you will regret staying rather than leaving; no abused woman has ever regretted leaving, regret comes about by not having left sooner. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Such men like you describe as well do not change. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man, just as you have done. He is a not a good dad to his kids because he abuses you as their mother, they are being emotionally harmed by him abusing you in such ways. They pick up on all the vibes too both spoken and unspoken.

You talk about being super responsible in parenting, that is itself damaging. That makes for you being hyper vigilent and I am wondering if you are codepedent as well. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you?. Where did this whole idea of you cheering up and trying a bit harder nonsense come from?.

Do not do your bit here to continue showing your children that this relationship is still acceptable to you on some level, they are learning about relationships from the two of you after all. Their home should be a sanctuary, it is akin to a warzone really because your bloke has taken it upon himself to conduct his own private based war with you.

You would not want a loveless relationship for your kids as adults would you so why is it at all acceptable for you? It is not. Men like this target women and hone in on all their insecurities and vulnerabilities to exploit, you were targeted by him really. And abusive men generally hate women, all of them.

Abusive people are not nasty all the time but the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one and that is what you are still in with this man. He will continue undoubtedly to be bloody minded and difficult once you have separated as well but that is no reason to stay either. There is no good reason at all for you to stay with this man.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. Please call Womens Aid also on 0808 2000 247.

You had to threaten to leave before he stopped the physical abuse...that's not good. You don't love him and it doesnt sound like he's taking responsibility for his behaviour.

"You never realize how much love and respect you deserve until you walk away from the people you settled for."

It will be hard. It will hurt, and you will wobble if you made the right choice, but a year or two down the line you will thank yourself for it.

Thank you all so much for the replies. I honestly do know all this stuff, but needed to hear it properly. I can almost hear all the excuses etc as I write - it's just not me to be like that, so somewhere along the way I've lost myself a bit.
I keep panicking about DS starting school in September. I'm going to be moving to the next town (it's where I work, and much bigger so feels like more scope to grow) but DS's school choices are nearer our current town. I think if I'm honest that's what's worrying me the most, but I know it's not insurmountable by any means!
I am full of resolve. I know what I need to do, and I know somewhere lurking inside me is the old me that definitely has the courage to do it. Maybe one day I'll return here for an update. I certainly will not forget your words and the strength they have given me. Who knew a mumsnet post could change your life?? I really, really hope it's changed mine.

Worry about dc's school later. My DC1 has a friend in reception who moved to the nearest city in the first few weeks of year1.

A new child started a few weeks after that. You'd never know he wasn't in reception with the others. He fits right in, is welcomed by the others, as is his mother by the other parents.

You've got this.