Emotional Affair - some advice please!

[Wodger]

Hi, firstly perhaps I should say that I may be in the minority here being a man who's wife had an emotional affair, and looking for any helpful advice anyone can give.

To cut what seems like a long story short, my wife and I have been together 20 years, married for 12, and have two lovely children. Two to three years ago she went back out to work having previously stayed at home raising the kids etc., which was a real boost to her self-esteem.

At around the same time, she began to get heavily into keep fit, almost to an obsessive level, which caused significant friction between us. While I was happy to support her, I felt at the time that she was prioritising anything and everything above our relationship. If I am honest, I didn't emotionally support her well enough - hindsight is a great teacher, isn't it!

Now to the main point. About a year and a half ago, she almost completely closed off from me, both emotionally and physically. No time spent together, little eye-contact, no intimacy or confiding in me in any way. It was like a wall went up. At the same time, she became closer and closer to a male neighbour - single guy, ten years younger, living on his own.

As time went on, my gut was telling me that something wasn't right with this relationship, but every time I brought it up, it was countered by denials, often also anger that I should even question a 'friendship' in such a way. To be honest, it made me feel like I was going craze, and unable to trust my own instincts - I knew what I was seeing, but wanted to trust her when she said that there was nothing to worry about. However, they were spending so much time together it didn't 'feel' right. Sure enough, while my wife was away 2 weeks ago, I decided to snoop on her computer, and found two text messages (sync'd to her computer), one from him and one from her, expressing feelings of love etc. (I know there will be those who will say I shouldn't have snooped, and they are probably right, but I just couldn't stand not-knowing for any longer, as deep down I knew something wasn't right).

Apparently the relationship wasn't physical, only kissing, and had been going on in that way for a couple of months. However, my feeling is that this was truly an 'emotional affair' for many months before that.

Now the bit I would appreciate any thoughts on. On confronting my wife she was honestly distraught with guilt over the lies etc., and claimed that it had ended two weeks previously. She sounded truly sorry. I confronted the other guy and told him to keep away from my family and allow us time to try to heal. However, I believe she still has feelings for him, and in fact admitted last weekend that she called him twice last week 'for a chat'. He is difficult to completely get away from, as he is a neighbour, so as much as I love my wife and can forgive her, I honestly don't know if we have any future if she still has feelings for him, and can't or won't give a complete commitment to having no further contact.

Thoughts back would be welcomed, as I feel trapped in this situation having to deal with the hurt and loneliness, with no real commitment from my wife that we will work on a future together, or even knowledge that this is what she really wants. Am I kidding myself here. She is going to individual councelling, but is reluctant to go to couples councilling, although I am hoping this will change.

Hi wodger I could have written your post. The texts I found were very sexual, some of them, they had met for kisses and gropes. I copied some of the sexts. I did confront him about it. He continued texting her for 4 more months.
I've been with H 27 years and married for 22 years.
I'm not sure that I'll ever respect , trust or love him like I did.
It's just coming up to the 12months since discovery....I'm my birthday, and it hurts.

Sorry to be brutally honest, but all the signs are there of a full on affair. Not many people go to the lengths of getting super fit unless they are wanting to change their bodies for a reason.

From experience, true anger = major guilt. This certainly isn't just an emotional affair or "flirting by the photocopier at work". Your wife may now be suggesting that she is truly sorry (how many times do we hear that old chestnut?) and I'm pretty sure this is what you want to hear and believe? Maybe she IS upset that you are hurt, however it has not stopped her from still contacting him again. I would take a guess that she's contacted him many more times since and not just the times she's told you about.
Sorry to be so negative but I work in this field and once the "line has been crossed", its impossible to go back. Some people do manage to get their marriages back on track but there is forever the niggling doubt on both sides.
The fact that she refuses to go to couples counselling also may suggest she has more to hide than you think.
You are worth so much more.

Your wife needs to be more honest with you and tell you how she is really feeling. She says she’s sorry but does she actually want to save the marriage? What are her reasons for refusing MC? It sounds to me like she wants to keep the status quo - family unit intact but keep her relationship with this other man. MC would force her to confront that which is maybe why she’s reluctant. Do you suspect something has been going on in the whole 1 1/2 years she’s been behaving differently?

I don’t want to upset you but she could well be lying about how far the relationship has gone. Most, if not all, cheaters lie and minimise what they’ve done, especially at first. It can take time to get to the truth. I was told it had only gone as far as kissing but my H later admitted they had slept together, when I found damning evidence.

If she does want to save the marriage she needs to cut all contact with this man. Have you told anyone in RL? It definitely helps to have a support network, even if it is hard to admit what is happening to other people. And have you considered getting counselling yourself? I found it really helpful to have someone to talk to about how I was feeling. Sorry you are going through this.

Even if this relationship has ended she will still be mourning the loss of this man and the fun and rush that she got from this . Two weeks ago ? This is recent and she will be confused. Affair partners often DO keep in touch with each other as they feel they have nobody else to talk to about it and any contact is better than none. To be honest with you , the physical aspect is "less" in some ways than the emotion involved but I get your concern about that . The positive ? She is seeing a counsellor . This is not something that is going to get fixed overnight .It's tough .

Not a lot of concrete advice, however, I think the observation that you have not been told the full extent of the affair is spot on. Sorry to say, but at the moment, I wouldn't believe anything your wife has told you about this affair unless you have seen other evidence to back it up. Maybe she is rationalising this as sparing your feelings, whatever...

The fact that she is still seeing this guy "for a chat" and she doesn't want to go to couples counselling are not good signs - if she were serious she would be bending over backwards to reassure you.

Asking her to go proper no contact with this guy is absolutely reasonable in these circumstances (even if you accept her story of just kissing), and don't let her tell you otherwise. If she can't stick to no contact, I would be looking at your options.

I understand that you are probably all over the place after discovering this but for a start it is way too soon to decide whether you can or can’t forgive her.

You need to try and make a more rational decision about that IMO.

Just now she is not being honest with you and she still sees her primary relationship as being with OM who has her loyalty over and above you. She’s not really giving you any reason to think that she wants to fix your marriage either.

I think you both would benefit from some space from each other. As you have found out you can want to forgive her, want to work on it, want her to give up OM all you like but if that’s not what she wants then what is going to happen? Are you just going to grumble along with her still living with you but seeing OM as her primary bond? For how long?

I know what I would do. Pack her bags and boot her out. She will soon realise what consequences her actions have had then.

I would say she is in love with the other man and you are her back up plan. If kissing is involved its a full on affair.

The fact she won't go to couples counselling means she isn't very committed to making your marriage work.

However, she may well discover single man was only after a bit of fun. Then she may want to work on the marriage. But you need to decide what you are willing to tolerate and what lengths you want to go to, to try and save your marriage. If you do try and save it she's needs to go no contact and marriage counselling. It maybe she can do a few sessions of individual counselling first but I wouldn't let her string you along for any length of time.

Agree with PP.
She currently has no consequences to her actions.
You are rolling over and taking all the crap she throws as you.
She's even still calling him.
That it utter disrespect to you and your DC.
She needs to leave the family home and think about what her future looks like without you in it.
Please get her to move out.
Tell her you need some headspace and you want a trial separation.
She needs to understand loss.
She won't while you are letting her do what she wants right under your nose.
That actually makes you look weak and that in turn means she loses more and more respect for you.
Weird as that sounds. That is how it works.
Stop being a doormat.
Kick her to the curb. At least temporarily.
Get yourself some counselling. Understand why you are putting up with being treated like crap and disrespected.

Hi op, first can I just say I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and can only imagine how you must be feeling.
Whilst you can't remove this guy from your lives completely as he is a neighbour, you can make steps to completely ignore him if you do see him, that means both of you. You should tell your wife to remove / block his phone number from her phone so she no longer has the temptation to phone this man.
Also the fact she got overly defensive whenever you questioned it, says it all sadly. She knew what she was doing was wrong but didn't want to be called out on her shit. This might be subjective but to me kissing is not just an emotional affair, who's to say she isn't lying and that there wasn't more than a kiss? Even if it was just that, things could have eventually progressed. That's a full on affair IMO.
If you still want things to work, you need to set clear boundaries now of what is and what isn't acceptable. Let her have an input too, but it will be mostly things that will allow you over time to trust her again. Let her go to individual counselling initially and then she may be more open to couple counselling in the future.
(personally I wouldn't be able to forgive it and I'd have kicked her out and ended things but I appreciate that might not be an option with having DC)
I hope things get sorted

OP, sending you some

My husband was involved in an emotional affair, which I found out about 7 weeks ago. He initially broke contact with her but after a week they were back in contact and things started up again.

I posted on here and received some fantastic advice, some of which I followed - specifically to let him go. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do - terrified that he would run to her. He didn't. The shock of this (me taking control and deciding to opt for a future without him) brought him to his senses and he dropped her like a hot brick, and please don't think I'm telling you this to give any kind of false hope - I had absolutely believed that he was gone for good.

Someone on here, and I can't remember who (I'm so sorry) told me that he was still in the 'affair fog' during the period following initial discovery, and nothing would make rational sense to him while he was there. They also recommended a website which has been an absolute godsend - www.emotionalaffair.org/

Some if it is paid, but there is a lot of information on there that is free to access.

We are still together, following a break of a week or so. For context we've been together 26 years, married for almost 25, two children. He had planned to turn his back on all this...so I let him. We've still got a way to go before things are sorted and it'll never be quite the same as before.

These initial feelings of hurt and betrayal will pass. It hurts like hell, but it will pass and you'll start to get some clarity of thought. Focus on what you want, put yourself first.

Wishing you luck.

Leave her, you & your family deserve better!

Also this is a really good website that offers lots of support and good advice for betrayed spouses

www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/calling-all-bss/

She’s been lying to you for a long time. There’s every chance she’s minimised what happened and is continuing to lie. Go. This is the tip of the iceberg.