Communication

[Justmereally]

Please can you offer me some advice.

We’ve been together over a year but don’t live together and general tick along fine unless we disagree.

He won’t argue with me, explain how he feels, anything at all, he just leaves.

When he has been in the wrong it takes a lifetime for him to apologise and then will only do it via text. If I push for a real apology (because it’s important I feel that it’s genuine) he will eventually do it but punish me afterwards by refusing to see me/speak to me until he feels better. This infuriated me.

It just all feels so wrong. Can we learn to communicate better? I feel as though we get on well whilst I don’t rock the boat but if I have an opinion that he disagrees with, then it all turns bad. Surely it’s normal to disagree though?

I'd cut your losses now.

If he sees a problem and wants to change, then maybe try relationship counselling. But it doesn't sound like he sees a problem, other than you should stfu.

You're not married, you're not living together, leg it now.

He sounds immature.

I wouldn't push for another apology after a text apology though, with people in general I mean, but with all the other things you've mentions it's understandable.

Can you imagine actually living with this guy, I can't imagine it would be great, with him behaving like this when you don't even live together or see each other all the time.

Cut your losses now, this is not going to improve at all going forward either. What he is doing here is controlling you and his behaviour is abusive in nature. Abuse is not about communication or a lack thereof, its about power and control and this man loves having that over you.

This leaving of his also sounds deeply rooted in his psyche and certainly predates you; he will always be looking to leave if things get tough with you. Its not something you should sign up for.

Thank you for your responses. I know your right. I have read a little about stone walling and recognise some of the traits in him. It’s just shit because for the best part of it we’re good. That’s the way these things work I suppose.

The reason I push for a proper apology as opposed to a text it so I can gage if it’s sincere. It never is...which is why it follows with me being ignored.

He will send lengthy texts explaining/ excusing his behaviour but struggles to articulate this verbally which is why I few issues are left unresolved.

Has he ever given you a sincere apology, without you having to ask for it?

My ex was like this. I thought he was just too stuborn to apologise, turns out that he actually didn't feel bad at all, for one damn thing he did.

He also walked out a lot. He can't deal with confrontation, he would get all flight (disappearing for hours, overnight the odd time) or fight (he'd become violent). He would often get his point in before walking away, which would infuriate me. He used to come back and want to act as if nothing had happened. Argument's never got resolved, and the whole thing became a never ending vicious circle. It's a horrible way to live. You end up walking on eggshells, terrified of saying the wrong thing, in case it sets them off.

No, never! It’s always me pushing for him to apologise and then never feeling great about it but having to accept it if I want to move forward.

It’s all wrong isn’t it?

I would say don't have kids with this bloke, even if you do stay with him, (my ex could be very charming too, when I was being a good girl and not rocking the boat). We have a dc together, in the months before we broke up, ds was becoming more aware of the walking out "but where's daddy going?", getting upset at him not saying goodbye etc. The bastard reined it in for a bit, then did it again on fathers day of all days ffs. I also twigged he could be very subtle at goading me, passive aggressively, until I would react, and he'd have an excuse to run away and do whatever he wanted, and he could blame me for pushing him/leave me holding the baby so to speak. Don't put yourself in that position.

Eventually we'd fight as much about what he was up to, when he went awol, as much as he went awol. Which led to more of both. Your situation might not be all wrong, mine was, spectacularly so but it's not all right either. Can you talk to him at all, or does it just lead to more of the same?

Thanks for your replies.

I tried talking to him and it was much the same. He will take no responsibility for anything...ever. So I’ve ended it. I did it nicely...just said that being us being unable to effectively communicate was a deal breaker for me. I’m gutted...

Ah, sorry you're feeling bad OP. Sounds like he's got a lot of growing up to do. He just wasn't on your level.

I was reading this the other day, it's titled: Conscious/Evolved man. These were the main bullet points:

Honours the divine Goddess within the female.

Someone who takes control and responsibility for his own life.

A man who has high levels of integrity.

A conscious man will be interested in a woman who is natural.

Creates a safe space for communication.

True to his word.

Consistent, especially through difficult times.

He is not afraid of criticism.

Comfortable in his own skin.

Accepts his faults and faces up to mistakes.

He has self-love, self-worth and high self-esteem.

Listens fully and communicates clearly and honestly.

Not co-dependent.

Does not have the need or desire to control his relationship or any other person.

He has a strong masculine spirit.

In touch with his feminine side.

Does not avoid conflict.

Honest, open, loyal and trustworthy.

Connects fully and makes his partner feel unique.

Cares deeply about the planet and all of its inhabitants.

Knows how to pleasure a woman sexually without thinking of his needs.

On a journey constantly growing and learning.

It's from this article: www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/how-to-attract-a-consciousevolved-man/

Sounds good to me

Vitalogy...he sounds perfect.

One good thing to come out of all this is I am definitely more aware of my expectations in an adult relationship now. Also aware of the deal breakers!

Off to read that article...thank you.