How to send a gift back without appearing insensitive?

[Masterpiece008]

I have posted here before, recent relationship which I ended because I saw too many red flags.

He had given me a soft toy, however, I am not really into teddy bear and will not be using it. I was thinking of giving it to a charity.

Last night, he sent to me a text saying,"to look after it as it meant a lot to him in the past" - I would like to post it back to him but do not want to sound nasty or insensitive.

I have gone NC since ending it and do not want to start another dialogue, i.e., "I am posting it back to you."

Should I just post it back without any further communication? Advice really needed here..

Thank you.

Ewww this is super-creepy. What a weirdo!

Thing is, when women get a besotted with a man, they get a bit whiney and emotional, and say stuff like 'he hasn't texted me back and I messaged him an hour ago.' > sad face

But with some men, when they get really besotted, they get OBSESSED, and weird and occasionally quite dangerous. Most stalkers are men, and all the ones who kill their wife or girlfriend (and on occasions their children,) are men.

They become incensed when they are 'rejected.' Many men cannot handle rejection, because some of them think a woman should be grateful for the attention, and that someone 'loves them' and wants them. On a smaller scale, some men think it's OK to sometimes grope their wife/girlfriend, and poke her breasts, and grind up against her, in some bizarre 'I wanna fuck' ritual. 'I know you like it, I know it turns you on...' wink

Some men (not all,) see women as their property, even when they are not married or in a serious relationship. The man hounding the OP sounds like that.

Send the teddy back (recorded delivery) with a note saying 'I don't want it. And I don't want YOU. Don't bother me again.'

I had a fucking oddball like this stalking me when I was about 18; kept giving me his fave LPs and giving me baskets of fruit and also bits of crap fake jewellery and stuff. He came to my house every single day even when he was not invited or asked.

After about 2 months of this, I rang him and said 'For God's sake Peter. STOP sending me stuff, and quit bugging me. I don't wanna see you anymore, I don't even like you. Go away!' And I hung up the phone.

Every day for about 10 days, he turned up at my house (I mean my mom and dad's!) and sat on the lawn calling up at the window. And crying!

Creepy as fuck! My dad told him to go away, but dad was a placid softie and wasn't about to get aggressive or anything. Mom yelled at him and was a bit scarier. But this Peter wouldn't leave! In the end, we had to get the local bobby to have a word in his ear. He told him he would be arrested for harassment if he didn't stop. He frog marched him off our front lawn and I never saw him again.

No real names have been used!

@Masterpiece008
But yeah, send the teddy back with a very abrupt note! Making it clear he needs to leave you alone or you will report him to the police. Fuck being insensitive. You owe him nothing.

Was it a new bear that he bought you or a childhood favourite of his? If the former, then just give it away, if the latter, send it back. I wouldn't bother with a note. Just send it on its own.

Just send it any any other property back. Doesn’t matter if bear is old or not. He could be used it before with ex girlfriends and had it bugged

If you bin it and go nc he may believe you’ve kept it, which may give him some hope.
I’d send it back, no note, and then just block!
He sounds creepy.

Wow @peekaboo, you went from slightly controlling man trying to keep in touch to obsessed stalker awfully quickly!

I’d send it back without a note. If it’s bugged it’s out of your house and not in some strangers house who bought it in the charity shop! A note is still engaging with him and whilst sending it back might be viewed the same, it does tell him you haven’t kept it.

Oh and really don’t worry about appearing insensitive, you want him out of your life.

Update*
I posted the teddy back, signed for.

Anyway, on my way to my part-time job, I received an email from him and thought that he had received his teddy back. The message was mainly about him, his problems, blah blah.... and that he still wanted us to communicate.

I shouldn't have rang him but did so to say that I had posted his teddy back as it meant a lot to him and that he should not email, text or call me.

It turned out because of the bad weather there was a slight delay and I think that he will get it this morning.

The classic, feeling sorry for himself, however, I explained to him not to contact me again and wished him all the best for the future and hope that he meet someone soon.

I have a feeling you will head from him again and I have the feeling you will respond.
If you really want this man out of your life you need to cut all communication. Take away his ability to contact you. From experience I have learned that really is the only way.

I have blocked him! I just hope that he does not turns up at my door! Lucky escape as the little time that I knew him - I had a feeling that he had checked my phone and my laptop.

If he does call the police, being firm in your decision is the only way to be in these situations.

This reminds me so much of my ex. In the end I ghosted her (because she couldn’t accept that she had treated me so badly that I had no desire to see or spend time with her, and she used to text occasionally, with excuses to talk eg ‘did I see your mum at X today?’ And pretending she was texting her new partner. Bloody pathetic.
I blocked her on FB etc and all went well for ten years. Curiousity got the better of me and I unblocked her so I could see what she was up to (still living with her mum and doing the job she hates), and within a week (I forgot to re-block after looking) she had messaged me, jolly as anything. I snubbed and re-blocked.

He’ll just continue to make it all about him and find excuses to be in your life. You’re an adult and get to make that choice for yourself. Ignore. He’s finding ways to guilt trip you.

It sounds harsh (but really, the things she put me through) but I only really felt satisfied I was doing the right thing was when her new partner (but now ex) got in touch with me to ask if my ex had ever assaulted me like she had to her.

Behold!

He has been in touch - using a different phone to tell me he got his teddy back. I told him not to contact me again!

Just ignore. Any reaction will feed him.

he's not worth it

Have you searched your devices for keyloggers?

@Hawkmoth, what is keyloggers?

Since this man visited me, every time I go to Sainsbury's I have been setting off their alarm, when entering and leaving. Yesterday, they stopped me to find out. I came back and emptied and checked everything but the only found one thing a "starter" for the fluorescent light that I bought a few days before he visited me, I have had a spare one since in my bag.

I was in Sainsbury's on the day that he visited and I cannot recall setting off the alarm. It's really weird, I have learnt my lessons.

A keylogger is a piece of software that can be installed on a laptop that records every stroke you type so can be used to harvest passwords and read emails etc.
I installed one when I was sure my ex was cheating (don't judge me, he had) and I got a free trial for 3 days which was all I needed to get his passwords. Change all your passwords on everything including your Apple ID if you have an iPhone. Don't use your laptop to log in to anything unless you've checked it thoroughly for a keylogger (though if he doesn't have access to the laptop I don't know if he would be able to see the records)

Unfortunately you did the one thing you shouldn't have which was respond and send the teddy. Even telling someone not to contact you is contact.

Just the phone pinging will show you have read words he wrote and have thought about him by replying. Even if you text back just a fullstop it's a response.

He is incredibly determined, regardless of how much effort it is for you I would advise you to change your number. The effort to contact by buying another sim shows really obsessive unhealthy and creepy behaviour on his part.

Re the supermarket alarm - have you checked your coat? Check the lining for lumps.

Try using different jackets etc. No idea what sort of 'bug' could set off the alarms, but unnerving, def.

I would definitely get your laptop and phone checked by a computer company for any unauthorised software. It has become more common for controlling partners to install software so that they can access passwords, e-mail, bank accounts and webcams etc or install trackers to check where you are going. (there was a poster here a few months ago whose controlling ex who had installed software was watching her home alone using the webcam on her computer).

Also check your coat and bag incase he has attached a tracker/bug

Do not respond to any more contact attempts

You need to read The Gift of Fear and cut all contact.