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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Morning routines and arguing

22 replies

Karlakitten1 · 04/03/2018 08:11

This might be an AIBU, but here goes. Anyone else's DH kick up a stink about getting up with DC at the weekend? I always do Saturday morning, then he should do Sunday, to make it fair. But such a fuss is made and arguments ensue, so should I just suck it up and get on? DC prefer me, and ask for me,but surely I am allowed some time too! They wake up, come in with me, I have to ask him to get up, then they refuse to go in with him(sleeping separately with his vile snoring). They stay with me until they want to go downstairs, then I wake him again to take them downstairs. By then I am annoyed at him, as it is his morning, he snaps and says I make a fuss etc. Called me a psycho bitch. The arguing has continued. He keeps saying how I'm not trying and I need to change. He was shouting in front of DC, they told him boot to shout at mummy, he told them mummy deserves it, she's an idiot. WTAF?!!!

OP posts:

wakingfire · 04/03/2018 08:25

Oh dear - I don't think you're ever going to get to the point where he lovingly takes the children in the morning, leaving you to rest.

When you talk about it rationally during the week say does he agree it's a good idea to have a morning each? I'm guessing that would be the first step that he actually agrees it.

There's obviously a bigger problem than a morning lie in as he sounds really horrible. How old are the dc? Soon they'll be getting themselves up in the morning and going down to watch tv.

Just a word of caution before others suggest you ltb, my exh sounded very similar to yours which is why I'm posting, I did leave 3 yrs ago but it's been a really terrible time- and is not a quick solution at all. The very real worries are being able to afford housing still dealing with unreasonable ex on a daily basis over the children, and lots of stress and upheaval for the children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2018 08:25

This is not an AIBU issue at all.

He is simply projecting his own issues onto you, many men do get up on the weekends with their children and do so willingly also.

HE is the one not trying here and he needs to change. However, he is incapable of doing any of that so blames you as his wife instead for all his inherent ills. Asking the kids to shout at their mother as well is abusive behaviour too on his part and highly damaging to them.

Is this really the relationship model you want to be showing your kids? Sounds travel too and they can hear him shouting at you even if they are not in the same room. Am not surprised they prefer you to him, it sounds like they are afraid of him also and walking on eggshells as well. Do not continue to do your part here to show them that yes, this is how men treat women. This whole situation is going one way now and that is further down. He simply wants to drag you and the kids down with him.

I would give Womens Aid a call on 0808 2000247 and establish also your legal rights re separating.

Original poster

Karlakitten1 · 04/03/2018 08:26

To boot..I meant to stop. Sorry to drip feed here...apparently his mental health problems are down to me and my nagging. I do nag, but I feel like a live with a teenage boy, not a man with a family!!

OP posts:

wakingfire · 04/03/2018 08:28

Yes he does sound bad - I agree you should give women's aid a call- just to get some real life support in the first instance.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2018 08:30

Leaving is not easy at all but its still far better for the kids to see an overall calmer environment than for them to keep on seeing their mother (and in turn them) being abused under the same roof. You still did the right thing in leaving.

Such abusive men do remain unreasonable and obstructive even after separation. It is in the abusive person's nature to want to try and use power and control against the person who left as further "punishment" for them actually having the gall in their eyes to actually leave. These types of individuals feel entitled to act as they do and do not change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2018 08:33

His MH problems are not down to you and your supposed nagging of him. You are not responsible for his actions and abusive men can and do often cite MH issues or depression as an excuse or justification for their own abusive nature or behaviours.

Living with a teenager would be easier as well.

What if anything do you know about his own childhood, that would give you more clues.

Original poster

Karlakitten1 · 04/03/2018 08:35

He is lovely with them most of the time, this is the first time he has told DC that I deserve to be shouted at. We should split, and he wants to. He has packed a case twice, but then sat around saying hotels don't check in until the afternoon. On one hand, I can't imagine life without him, and it scares me, but on the other I know we shouldn't be together. I've told him he should go, but he doesn't have family close by to go to. I don't have any savings to move anywhere either. Just feel stuck.

OP posts:

Original poster

Karlakitten1 · 04/03/2018 08:37

Attila..I haven't left yet, don't know what to do or how to go about it.

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thethoughtfox · 04/03/2018 08:39

You know this is bad, don't you? The children frightened and telling him not to shout at mummy. They will be completely stressed out and constantly on edge. Him telling them mummy deserves it? They could grow up believing him and then turning on you. There are threads on here recently about 17 year old sons carrying on the abuse the ex husband did, putting their mother against the wall and screaming that she deserves it. Or they will just grown up terrified and with mental health problems.

mammymammyIRL · 04/03/2018 08:39

I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3179933-i-m-35-today-i-ve-realised-my-marriage-is-over

Read my thread see if you see any similarities in mine or other stories on it?

Original poster

Karlakitten1 · 04/03/2018 08:40

His childhood was good, lovely parents, no abuse, but very specific gender roles where mum did housework (and still worked when they were older) and dad brought the majority of money in. However, we both have high pressured jobs that require working at home, but housework and cooking is mainly down to me, with him doing gardening and car things.

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theredjellybean · 04/03/2018 08:40

I am sorry but no one 'deserves' to be shouted at and called names.
I'd be sitting him down and telling him in no uncertain terms that behaviour stops.
But if he is willing to try is there a compromise? Is it mornings he struggles with? Would you do mornings if you could then have some time later to do some thing for yourself?
I am a morning person so don't mind getting up, and I also had one dd who always wanted me, and a dexh who did the learned helplessness thing... Often bringing her into me saying 'but she wants you...' in whiney voice... So maybe cut your losses, do the mornings and agree an afternoon or late morning he takes kids out or to activity or you go do something

thethoughtfox · 04/03/2018 08:41

He doesn't want to split. That pretending he was going to leave but not actually leaving is just to frighten you and hope you will beg him to stay. If this is the first time he has done this, this is an escalation and your new normal.

theredjellybean · 04/03/2018 08:43

Oh just read you newer posts... The packing a case then sitting there is so emotionally abusive.
You poor thing and poor children.
He sounds grim

Original poster

Karlakitten1 · 04/03/2018 08:43

Yes, I know it's bad. But I sort of think it is my fault. Maybe I shouldn't nag and moan, I am very negative, and this is what makes him unhappy. He says I'm the most negative person he has ever met. I would agree, but I don't feel like I have anything to be happy for, and I don't find happiness in doing much either. If I tried to be more positive it might make things a bit less tense.

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LemonadePockets · 04/03/2018 08:44

Honestly I don’t think I’d put my children through the trauma of trying to get him up! He sounds pretty grim! X

Rosielily · 04/03/2018 08:49

On one hand, I can't imagine life without him, and it scares me, but on the other I know we shouldn't be together.

I can imagine your life without him - no abuse directed at you for your children to listen to, your own routine in your own home, happy children.......

Original poster

Karlakitten1 · 04/03/2018 08:51

Thanks for all the replies so far. At least I know I'm not completely insane. I know its typical emotional abuse...make them feel like they are the one losing it/they need to change, but stopping yourself being manipulated in that was is a different thing.

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theredjellybean · 04/03/2018 08:56

Are you negative because he makes you feel that way?
Playing devil's advocate... Living with a very negative person is really draining and hard.
While he should not be shouting and blaming you, if you really don't find anything makes you feel happy and joyful then it must be pretty miserable for him too.

Have you always been like this?
Or is it the relationship?
Would you consider counselling and cbt to help you both?

Original poster

Karlakitten1 · 04/03/2018 09:00

I've considered counselling but he refused. Yes, it must be draining. I agree. He says he dreads weekends or time with me.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2018 09:44

Go to counselling on your own instead.

He's done you a favour by refusing counselling; joint counselling when there is any abuse within a relationship is never recommended.

If there is fault here it is ALL his and not yours in any way. He has just made you think its all your fault; such men never take any responsibility for their actions.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2018 09:45

Womens Aid are also worth contacting in your particular circumstances.

You can only help your own self and your kids ultimately.

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