Advice on whether to tell adult DC circumstances of divorce

[Bananamanfan]

It has been nearly 14 years since I left DS1's dad. DS has always assumed his dad was the 'injured' party and I haven't challenged this for several reasons the biggest 2 reasons being; I think it is really damaging to a child to hear one parent badmouthing the other and secondly my ExH & PILs are still in my head and I am still trying to please them.

DS seems totally uninterested in why the relationship failed. I don't know if this is because he thinks he knows the circumstances (that I left exH for DH). I also don't know if he remembers that things turned nasty and scary, in DS's presence, after I told exH that I was leaving (ds was 5). I didn't move in with my now DH until 18 months after and DS and I lived alone. DS also wasn't aware I had met DH for several months after.

EXH was having a relationship with someone else for part of our relationship/marriage (I don't know how long) he was also abusive to this person. This person is still in my/DS's life. DS doesn't know about this relationship.

DS does know that his dad has been totally unreliable as a parent, has never financially supported him and hasn't acknowledged birthdays or Xmas for years.

I have been ready to answer questions honestly when they are asked, but they haven't been asked. The trouble is, I know my DD will be asking these questions about her brother's mysterious dad and why we got divorced (she already has). I want to answer her honestly, but I can't divulge information to my DD that DS doesn't know.

Sorry this is long and I am being cagey about identifying information. It probably sounds like such a stupid non-dilemma. I've tied myself up in knots for years trying to do the right thing and be a good parent.

I disagree with you about hiding things from DC, one can be truthful without badmouthing.

As your DS hasn’t asked what would be your motivation in raising it?

If / when your DD asks you can share info with her and tell her before sharing anything that it’s info her brother doesn’t have.

Why can't you answer DD's questions without saying the same to DS? Maybe he doesn't want to know.

I suppose if you are concerned about it, you could mention to DS that DD had some questions - would he like to know more about it too? No pressure if he's not interested etc

In an effort to not 'bad mouth' your ex you have deliberately misled and ostensibly 'lied' to your son.

And created a whole can of worms.

I've always believed that honesty is best.

Totally agree with pps re the 'badmouthing'. Why should you look like the bad guy and take the bullet for your ex? I don't give dd chapter and verse but I certainly wouldn't let her think I had behaved atrociously.

I presume dd is your child with your dh not with your ex?
So frankly it's none of her business and she really does not need the details.
I would tell her that you and exh split up when her brother was very little as you just didn't get along very well, and you and ds lived alone and then you met her dad.
You can then add that she is lucky Cus her dad is a good man who loves her and ds's dad was just not very good at being a dad, but ds has had you and dh as parents and seems pretty happy with the situation.
If the questions are coming because she is anxious it might happen to you and dh then reassure her that adult relationships are sometimes difficult but you and dh are different to you and ex and you are not splitting up.
I don't think she needs to know anything else

That's exactly what I have done jellybean. However, it is important that I teach DD to look after herself a bit better than I did (and than my parents did) possibly with reference to my own experience. It may all seem black and white and very clear cut, but I really cannot see the wood for the trees. Part of me is still stuck there in that time.

I'm assuming that they are both adults in their 20's who are capable of making their own minds up about what they think of people.

I would tell DD but I would say to DS that she has been asking so you want him to know too.

Banana -no it's not a stupid non - dilemma - it's very relevant I'm tying myself in knots too trying to do the right thing and be a good parent - but I chose a different tack to you - and whether this was the right thing who knows but currently my home life is far from settled - I have posts on here.

My kids were 13 when X left they know it was due to affair he is now with OW - this was 4 years ago - the fallout is still ongoing - some people on here think I created my own circumstances - I have chosen to tell kids the truth - that x behaviour is not right- I don't doubt this has been hard and I get the repercussions - but I grew up in a family where I believe my Dm "protected" me from the truth of her marriage with my DF - she suffered with MH issues and growing up I saw her as weak - had a strong identity to my DF. Since she died I learnt something about her that made me see her in a completely different light. She had to deal with something that must have been extremely difficult to do and very traumatic - she was then able to forgive this person - I was never told the details and it only came out when my marriage was in trouble. I know now that she had immense strength.

I have seen my DF in a different light since he has met someone new - don't get me wrong I want him to be happy but if how he behaves now is how he treated my Dm I can understand why she had MH issues. My DB has little to do with him my relationship has cooled. I can see that he is v controlling has fixed ideas that he will not deviate from never mind discuss anything - what he said went.

This was the dynamic of my marriage I chose someone like my DF - the true extent of his controlling nature has come out since I went for divorce - I have been told he is narcisstic - I believe I have suffered and are still suffering With emotional and financial abuse - my kids are being used by him - they see it I think but don't want to see it if this makes sense - I have issues with them both (Dd & Ds) - where this will end up God only knows -

My reasons - I didn't want them emulating our marriage - I made many sacrifices to accommodate x and keep things steady - I did this for 20 years I thought we had a good relationship - not perfect by any means but good enough certainly from a materialistic point of view -and then all hell broke loose when his dm died.

A huge part of where I am is I got shafted by him financially and ripped off by solicitors - this has meant decisions are having to be made that really should not- ultimately I believe this is to destroy me but the kids are effected too.

oW kids are much younger -they have a completely different story - my Dd refuses to have anything to do with her or my x when they are together - this has meant she has not seen x at Xmas because he puts OW first. Ow Dd has been trying to link up with my Dd on social media - my Ds has spent holidays with them - my x believes I am bitter and twisted and have influenced my Dd - this is far from the truth - my Dd idolised x - he broke her heart - he has asked them many a time what they want from him - she tells him he does the opposite - she in in turmoil too.

As I said I have no idea where this will end up - in your situation I would tell Dd the truth - if this then prompts discussions with your Ds I'd deal with those - how is your Ds generally - does he deal with the non relationship with his DF or does he just not want to go there at all - does he have a good relationship with DH

I don't know what the right answer is all I can say is that we each do what we think is right at the time - why wouldn't we - I'm 52 I'm questioning my whole life - I've had depression most of this time _ putting things in a box hoping they will go away is not the answer - I believe everything needs to be talked about no matter how painful - this is the only way to find peace - I hope you have found something out of this garbled post x

Tell your son the truth about what happened. Dont hide facts from kids of any age, they will find out the truth eventually and then hate you for lying to them. If your honest it may hurt but its better than long term deceit.

I also believe in making sure both kids know the same whether they want to or not - and I certainly would not tell Dd something that Ds did not know - X's family did this all the time - personally it creates divides where there should be none

Tell your son the truth and don’t protect your silly ex husband any more. You won’t get a medal for being a martyr but you could try to rectify the deceit you have effectively shown to your son. It’s not too late. All the best.

Of course your dd does have a right to ask and if you're comfortable you can answer her. It sounds like you have a good reason to be honest with her too.

I would tell your ds when dd asks and tell him what you told dd.

I also agree with pp about not badmouthing your ex. Why would you take on his guilt? I've always told dh if he ever acted wrongly I'd tell our dc. I wouldn't act lime their df is wonderful if he wasn't.

Thanks for sharing your experience greenberet and thanks for the responses. I think I probably need to talk things through with a counsellor before talking to the DCs. I have been shaking reading the responses and I thought was fine starting the thread. I am still very damaged deep down and I have built a whole life on a foundation of hiding what was happening/had happened. I don't know what to tell the DCs and what not to. A lot of what happened to me are things that I don't want my DD & DS2 to know happen to other people.
I think I may also need to talk to my parents and move on myself.

Oh op... That's very sad, I am emotionlly very resilient so struggle sometimes to understand when people still seem hung up on stuff from yrs ago. But this does sound like you are stuck in it still. For you more than your dc you need to find a way to process this and put it in its place.. The past... You have a dh and dd now and hopefully have had a better, nicer, lovely life and this is the present and the future for you. I hope your able to embrace that without the past looming over it.
Good luck 🌸

Sorry you’re upset. Counselling sounds a good idea.