Letters To My Narcissistic Mother

[On3Mor3Try]

Hello,

I am currently following the Stately Homes and Stately Homes Annexe threads which have both helped me a lot in terms of realising that I am not alone in suffering the abuse of a mother who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

My mother has never been diagnosed with this, which is no surprise, because in their mind, narcissists are never wrong, and will therefore never seek help. I am completely convinced however that my mother has NPD. I have done a lot of reading on this subject over the past year and it describes her so accurately I could hardly believe it at first. To finally have an explanation for the way she has treated me all my life has been a game changer for me. A massive weight has been lifted now that I know what she really is.

However, my recent decision to finally go no contact with my mother is something I'm struggling with every day. Although I know it's the best thing for me and my family, the feelings of uncertainty and guilt still creep in. All of the ladies on the Stately threads have provided me with much reassurance on this so thank you very much.

Last night I wrote a letter to my mother, which I have no intentions of sending as it would only be ignored or dismissed as nonsense by her. So I won't waste my time. But writing it made me feel great. Getting it out of my head, onto a piece of paper really helped because it made it real. She has always invalidated my feelings and dismissed them as lies, so to see it in black and white had a really profound effect on me.

I shared the letter on the Stately Annexe thread and, as usual, the response was very supportive and made me feel even better. And now I can't seem to stop writing. So I've had the idea of creating this separate thread to post my letters on for anyone who wants to read them.

To those of you who have had a happy upbringing with a normal loving mother, a lot of this will probably seem strange and far fetched or at times even trivial to you. But to me it is a record of a very unhappy childhood. I just need to get it all out and this seems like a safe place to do so. If anyone wants to comment please do. I really would like to hear your opinions/experiences.

xx

*MY 22nd BIRTHDAY
*
Mum,

Do you remember my 22nd birthday? It was a Saturday. I was working that day. A ten hour shift which started at 6am. You invited me to your house for dinner that evening and you asked me to pick up Nan and Papa when I finished work and bring them with me. This would have meant I'd have to drive them home again later that night, then drive to my own house to try to get some sleep before getting up for another 6am start the following day. You were quite happy for me to do all that running around, all that driving, after working a ten hour shift, which itself involved a lot of driving. It didn't seem fair, it was MY birthday after all.

I'm not sure why I agreed to it, I guess I just agreed to most things you asked for back then to keep you happy, to keep the peace. But as that day wore on, as I became more and more tired, I realised I really didn't feel like doing all that driving and ferrying people around at the end of my shift. It would have been a 60 mile round trip and I was just too tired to face it. What I really wanted to do was sit down and have a nice meal with my family and have you take care of me for a few hours. It was MY birthday after all.

So I called you and asked if you could come to my house instead. Which, let's face it, is what you should have done in the first place. Do you remember what happened next? You said "No". You sighed loudly, became irritated with me, point blank refused to change your plans to accommodate your daughter, on her birthday. The one day of the year which is, irrefutably, about her, not you.

As I tried to explain to you how tired I was, and reason with you, you became angrier and angrier. I asked you why you couldn't just come to visit me instead, you couldn't give me a straight answer, you just kept saying "It's all arranged". What was all arranged? I couldn't figure out what you were talking about. It was just dinner. And you weren't even cooking, you were going to order in some Chinese food. Why couldn't we order the Chinese food to be delivered to my house instead, I asked. "It's all arranged" was your reply. It seemed like you were just being difficult for the sake of it.

Then you completely lost the plot. Do you remember? You screamed down the phone at me "F..K OFF"!!! Then you hung up.

I was stunned. I felt like I'd been punched in the face. I burst into tears and couldn't stop. I was so hurt by how selfish and unreasonable you were being. And the way you screamed at me, the words you used, it was so shocking, so unnecessary. What kind of mother treats their only child like that on their birthday? And for what? Because I was tired after a long shift and I dared to suggest that your plans be changed?

I cried myself to sleep that night, as I have done many times in my life because of you. But something was different that night. Something had changed between us. The terrified little girl was gone. To others who haven't lived with you, I may sound melodramatic when I say this, but a huge chunk of my love for you died that night. You had tortured me relentlessly with your mood swings, your cruel words, your manipulation and your gaslighting for 22 years. So although it may seem trivial to some, what happened on my 22nd birthday marked the beginning of the end for you and me.

For the first time ever, I did not obey your orders that night. I did not drive the 60 miles you wanted me to drive. I went to bed early, I put my needs before yours for the very first time. Although I felt alone and hurt, I knew I was doing the right thing, for me.

About a week later, when you finally found the time to come and visit me, you spoke at me for an hour and a half about how upset YOU were, how hurt YOU were. YOU were the victim in all this. You also denied screaming and swearing at me. Basically called me a liar. I will remember forever, how demonic your voice sounded when you screamed at me to f..k off that day. And the reason you were so upset? Because you blew up some balloons and bought a birthday cake. How could I have been so cruel as to not turn up? That was your argument. How was I supposed to know you'd done that? You'd certainly never done anything like that before. And dare I say it? So what???

What I also found out was that after you screamed at me and hung up, you sent my stepdad to collect my grandparents and bring them to your house for dinner. Why couldn’t he collect me too? I lived just along the road from them. So it really was just about controlling me. You specifically wanted me to do it. And you couldn’t handle it when I said no.

I saw you for what you really are that day. A self-centred, crazy bitch.

That's great that these letters are helping - keep the coming. I'm sure that many of us will be able to relate to parts of them and they will be helpful.

I think you've got two threads and the other one is confusing people.
I read the other one first and wasn't sure why you were posting it however reading this one helped shed more light.
I really hope you manage to go NC one day. Writing is very cathartic and a great outlet for some, I would write daft little poems throughout darker times.
I had a narc stepdad so I'm very interested in reading your letters, thank you for sharing.

A great thread, I might write a letter here to mine.

Keep writing. Welcome to the world of "you can't change 'em but you can't live to accommodate them". I still struggle to figure out what I want these days (gone limited contact) because my mind has been set on autodrive doing things her way.

Hello everyone, thank you for your comments. I've taken advice from some of the ladies over on the Stately homes thread and I've decided to create a blog and post my letters there instead from now on. So please go and have a look if you get the chance and feel free to comment and share any of your experiences. I would really love to hear from you.

on3mor3try.blogspot.co.uk

I can't tell you how much speaking to people on MN about my mother has helped me over the last year. To know that I'm not alone in having such a difficult relationship with my mother has been a real comfort. It's been great to speak to people who "get it". Although I'm also very sad to hear what other people have been through.

Sorry again for all the confusion.

@On3Mor3Try
Thank you for the great blog however I cannot read that blue against the black screen as it hurts my eyes. Any chance you could change the blue font to white? Many thanks. Thanks for sharing your story.