Emotionally unavailable DH

[Nanarama]

Practically, DH is fantastic. However, in crisis, he completely withdraws and becomes pretty useless. Intimacy between us isn't great and sex is very routine like and predictable, lacking in passion.
DH ticked every box when we met and was able to demonstrate a more caring/nurturing side, however this has faded. We attended relationship counselling a year ago and it was concluded that DH perhaps isn't the right person to be meeting my needs emotionally. There were also a few implied comments around aspergers which the counsellor would not commit to saying directly. I have since sought to fulfil my emotional needs in other ways as advised by the counsellor, leaning on friends for support and doing things that make me feel good.
It has helped but I have become extremely concerned over the last few weeks about DH's emotional unavailability/failure to react in a serious sitiation following DC2 becoming very ill and being admitted to hospital. If I hadnt have been there at the right time, I'm not sure he would have reacted as he should.
It has also dawned on me that as a lifelong partner, there is a degree of emotional care that I think both myself and DCs are within our rights to expect.
Life is very lonely at times, when my father died, DH went on a stag do with friends 2 weeks later and I was in an awful state, leaving me with the DCs. He did not see any issue with this at all. If ever I'm ill, or worried and just need company and reassurance, he's not available.
I have spoken to DM about this after she called me at a time I was upset; she didn't realise DH was so emotionally unavailable and that I was struggling with it so much. She has advised I do some "serious thinking" also saying that I can't go on living like this.
I accept that I can't change DH. I'm also not sure he can help his lack of emotion, but I'm genuinely concerned about the lack of care and affection I'm receiving as someone who needs that level of emotional care. I feel so lonely and I worry for the DCs and DHs failure to react in a timely manner when they're very poorly which may well be an entirely separate issue.
I think I'm looking for reassurance from people to tell me that it's ok for me to expect a certain level of emotional care from DH. Especially as I am quite an emotional person, this absence of care often leaves me feeling quite anxious.

I have since sought to fulfil my emotional needs in other ways as advised by the counsellor, leaning on friends for support and doing things that make me feel good.

To some extent your counsellor's suggestion was good, to have additional opportunities for emotional outlets, but I disagree with this as a substitute for the emotional connection with your DH. It lets him off the hook - it's just a sticky plaster over the problem leaving a gaping hole in your relationship.

All too often the early warning signs are ignored, the person is on their best behaviour, then revert to type and the nagging doubts emerge over time. The reality is that some people don't need a high degree of emotional involvement and trying to explain your needs could be falling on stones ground because your DH just doesn't get it. He doesn't need it and probably can't fathom out what your problem is.

His lack of support at crucial times, and inability to show empathy when your DF died and when your DC are ill, are troubling.

You could carry on "making do" but you'll always feel short changed. The key thing to recognise is that you cannot change someone's basic personality type. Trying to force a change will make them and you unhappy and resentful.

Whether that's a deal breaker to you, has to be your decision, but in answer to your original question, it is OK for you have your emotional needs met and to question whether the relationship can give you the long term happiness you need.

OP - I am sorry - you do sound quite unhappy.

I would say, though - that I don’t think you are asking a question that has an objective answer.

You are what you are - and your emotional needs isn’t something that you need anyone to validate.
And the same applies to you H - he is built the way he is, and noting can change it. He may be able, occasionally, to fake it - but it’s not long term change.

So - asking if it’s ‘OK to expect...’ - isn’t helpful.
That level of emotional support that you need to be happy - is a given. It’s not going way.
And - it’s also a given that your H is unlikely to be able to provide it to you.
No matter, how many supportive messages you get here on MN saying - yes, he must give it to you - it won’t change anything.

So - I guess the only question that is
really relevant is what you do going forward. Your H won’t change.
If you go your separate ways - you may, or may not be able to find someone who can give it to you.

Howwver - and this is the one point that jumped at me that made me 😳 - him being emotionally less expressive than you doesn’t make him any worse parent. Or worse in a crisis with them. Maybe I am mistaken - but you seems to imply it.

Thank you daisy chain for such a thoughtful response. Makes a lot of sense.

Josuk if you re-read the OP you will see that DH failed to react accordingly in serious situation regarding DC2, which may well be an entirely separate issue as pointed out in the OP. DC2 was hospitalised after a serious condition and DH at the time, refused to call an ambulance. He completely withdraws in emotionally trying situations.

him being emotionally less expressive than you doesn’t make him any worse parent. Or worse in a crisis with them

The signs are that the OPs DH isn't taking his role as a parent seriously if DH failing to respond to DCs illness in a timely manner is anything to go by. It seems like he is generally deferring the emotional and practical worries of parenting to his DW, rather than getting involved himself.

I am unsure whether DH is incapable of normal human expression of emotion or whether actually he fears it in troubling situations. When life is good he's very cuddly with both myself and the DCs, as soon as there is a problem, you'll usually find him slouched in a corner on his phone.

We cross-posted Nanarama

That was what sprung out at me from your OP - that you are carrying the weight of the worry on your shoulders while your DH is somehow stepping away when he needs to 'roll up his sleeves' and share that burden of concern with you, and show solidarity and connection, not be on the outside looking in.

I think if he doesn't fulfil your most basic needs and he can't be relied on to keep you or your children safe, you need to move on, OP.

You and your children deserve so much more.

Nanarama I can understand your frustration. It's all very well him sitting there tapping away on his phone, but meanwhile you don't get to choose to opt out, you have to deal with the reality of life, your family members getting ill. He needs to be there in good times and bad, not be a fair-weather DH.

Maybe he hasn't reconciled the role of fatherhood, often men are late to the party, and want to be the centre of attention, not have to be adults themselves. Maybe that's a reality you need to put his way, that without his hands-on involvement in family life, and real emotional commitment you may as well be doing it all by yourself.

A short sharp shock can sometimes work .... if he runs a mile, well you've forced the issue that will probably come out in the future but years down the line.

Practically, he can be brilliant when it comes to family life. He cooks, does most bath times, bed times, teaches DCs to ride their bikes, reads to them. It's when times get tough or we hit a crisis that he seems to completely back off. It's like he can't face up to things.
I called him to come home from a social work event one evening last month as both myself and DCs had been recently poorly and I had a fever. I was anxious about being home alone with DCs as I didn't feel I could tend to them if I needed to. I'd been in bed for 2 days and was unable to lift my arms or move from my bed at all. The response I received from him was "just go to sleep like a normal ill person." He came home reluctantly and sulked; I feel completely let down by him.

His lack of empathy is something I'd find a struggle, I'm afraid. He sounds like a cold fish when you need him most.

Hi Op, I could have written your post. It's heart breaking isn't it?

I am currently trying to get a exit plan in place as I am not sure how long I will continue like this. However I go through periods of doubt as I question why should be my happiness be more important than that of the family unit.
You are (sadly) not alone. Big hugs xx

I'm sorry you're going through this too Mikethenight. It's difficult as there is nothing tangibly wrong, which I think is where the doubts arise. But the way it affects our self esteem, makes us lonely, leaves us feeling vulnerable and neglected is difficult to ignore. I hope everything works out for you either way x

Nanarama you too . Your words sum up exactly how I feel. Xx

OP - it wasn’t easy to deduce from post what exactly went on in that particular crisis situation.

What is clear is that you are different and that it won’t change.
These things aren’t logical - you won’t convince or guilt him to be different to who he is.

People are different in the amount of emotional support they need or want to give.
Your needs are more than his. And that’s the only thing that is clear.

And OP - people do differ. I am more like your H - more self sufficient, don’t need/want/expect emotional support. If I have a fever - I won’t call and ask my H to come back from a work event. He won’t make me feel better, and kids are asleep, and if there is an emergency i’ll call 999.
I am ill now, in bed with a fever. So making my own chicken soup as we speak.
If my H was more like you - i’d find it very difficult to be with him. I get turned off by neediness in adults.

But - please - don’t read the above as being directed at you in any way. All of this is just to demonstrate that there is NO one way, no one ‘correct’ way of being together.

I don’t know if there is an answer for you. If you want to stay with him - both might need to change. But seems he isn’t willing. And you’ll need to decide if you can.
My guess is - not. It’ll make you unhappy.

But - think about it - what will make you more unhappy - him gone or living like you are now.
It’s not great, but it’s really the most realistic choices you have.

Does he know you're potentially considering the future of your marriage with his lack of emotional availability?

That might jolt him into action.

It has been broached a few times Sandy, this is why we attended relationship counselling.
The more I think about It, the more I'm sure that he is unable to give the emotional support/connection if it interferes with something he would rather be doing or if he prefers for a crisis not to be happening. I think he is capable if he chooses to be, but he chooses not to be if it doesn't fit
In with him. I'm sure he would need therapy to unpick the reasons he withdraws, but there is no way he would ever attend.

I don't think it's something you can compromise on - levels of emotion and deep connection.

Some people feel stifled with what they perceive to be too intense, too close-up, other people feel it's a baron wasteland without unfettered demonstrations of affection and the ability to freely express emotion.

There is,indeed no single "right way", but having an imbalance can gnaw away. I'm a very self sufficient person, I can make my own chicken soup, but I can't compromise on the need for warmth and co-dependency with my life partner. I think they arent mutually exclusive.

I have been in your exact situation I kept trying and hoping he would change. I gave up and left. I wish you well

I'm sure he would need therapy to unpick the reasons he withdraws, but there is no way he would ever attend

Might be something to do with his upbringing.

There's a certain amount of emotional support one needs from a spouse.

The situation regarding your DC must have been very concerning.

You have every right to want emotional support from your H but given that this is who he is and it doesn’t look like he wants to change, it’s futile expecting it.

You have to decide if his behaviour is a deal breaker or not.