Pregnant, miserable and feel like my marriage is crumbling :(

[RoboticMary]

Would really appreciate any advice anyone has to offer. I'm feeling so unspeakably low and lonely. And I have no one IRL to talk to.

DH and I have been married 12 years. We have two DD and another on the way. I should be happy and excited. But I'm so unhappy in my marriage it bleeds over into everything else. I feel as though it's crumbling around me and I don't know what to do.

DH is emotionally unavailable. He's never affectionate, either verbally or physically. He was very much so in the early years, but then later told me he felt that I was too demonstrative, and he found it all a bit much. I was hurt at the time, as I've always been a very affectionate person, and he used to be too! But I did back off and give him space. Now there's nothing. No hugs, kisses, holding hands. We're like roommates. There are no arguments or disagreements, because we don't talk anymore, about anything.

I could be anyone, actually - all I am to him is a skivvy. Always around, boring, predictable. We rarely discuss anything other than the DD, although I do try - I ask about his work, hobbies, friends, family, but it's all one-sided. He asks me nothing and if I volunteer information, he's not interested.

The marriage is almost totally sexless - it's a miracle that I'm having this baby. The recent threads on here about sexless marriages really struck a chord with me. The last four years or so we've fallen into a predictable sort of pattern. We'll bumble along for six months or so, with no intimacy of any sort, no loving words, no affection. I'll try my best to tell myself it doesn't matter, that he's a good man who works hard to look after his family, that I'm the one with the problem, to stop expecting too much. Eventually I'll break down, he'll tell me he does love me and fancy me, have pity sex with me, I start to hope that things will change for the better - and the cycle starts again.

I never had much self-confidence, but all I ever had has vanished. I feel like a shell of a person. Empty and hollow and numb. There's so much of myself I'd like to give him, but I don't think he wants me, in any sense. I'd love to be able to hug or kiss him. I want to give him a cuddle. There are so many things I'd like to talk to him about and plans I'd like to make for the future. But I feel so ground down by his lack of care over the years, and I can't bring myself to try anymore, and face the inevitable hurt and humiliation.

I suppose he has no incentive to do things differently, even though he knows his actions make me unhappy. Because he knows I love him. I still want things to work.

Please tell me what you would do in my situation? Where am I going wrong?

Sorry, didn't mean to write an essay

for you, OP.
Who knows the real you in real life? (IRL even!)

I don’t have anything to advise I’m afraid m, but sounds awful ... like a quiet death

Where am I going wrong?

What you put up with, is what you get.

Google "love languages". Work out what his primary two are and what yours are.

If you want to save your marriage you have to radically change what you're doing. Stop being "nice" and start fighting for your marriage.

Thank you both for the tea and flowers! No one does I suppose Sunny. I can't talk to anyone else. I guess it's because he's a genuinely nice man in so many ways. He's a great dad who works long hard hours to improve our lives. He's kind-hearted and goes out of his way to help others. And I'd feel disloyal talking about such intimate things with family or friends. So they all think we're very happy. But I can't talk to him about it either. I've tried so many times and nothing changes. Maybe I'm going about things the wrong way.

Thanks Remain. I've really tried to put up with less and less over the years, but how can I demand something he can't give - or doesn't want to give?

I have read the book, so I know we express love in different ways. I try to show him by my actions that I love him, as that's how he perceives that I do, but my primary languages are physical and verbal affection. I guess I don't understand why he doesn't show me a little of either, knowing how important it is to me. It seems unkind not to try when I'm not asking for much. Just a hug or a kiss occasionally.

Goodness I sound pathetic!

Where are YOU going wrong? You're not.

What immediately comes to my mind is how long ago did things start to change? Was it before you had children or after? And has he changed his career or taken on a lot more pressure around the same time or since things have started to change?

I'm wondering if he just takes you for granted now. Although it's interesting you mention you ask about his friends, hobbies etc so he still has a social life.

I would concentrate on yourself atm, get your baby safely here and revisit how you feel about your marriage when your baby is 6+ months. Pregnancy and having a newborn is such a tough time and it sounds as if you've both been plodding along (for use of a better word) for a while so I would carry on until you're in a better/stronger position to really think about it all and what you want to change in your marriage.

It sounds like death by a thousand cuts to me.

Is this how you see the rest of your life love? Because it sounds miserable.

Ever thought about sitting him down, and saying... I can't live like this, either come to counselling, and help me put this marriage back on track,,or leave... ?

I agree with the above poster. The only thing that will really change is the "threat" of consequences. So far all that's happened is you have tried harder. There has to be radical change. You shouldn't have to live feeling like this. Good luck.

This is the wrong relationship for you. Its not you, its him. He probably is quite happy as he is having you to look after him as well. He cares not a jot though for your own happiness. The cycle that you are both in has not changed and won't change either.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what has kept you within this at all?. Is it your children?. Is it your own fear of the unknown i.e. life without him and inertia?. Its certainly not your love for each other and now you are going to have a third child.

Was he always as emotionally unavailable as well?. Was your dad similar? Such men do not change.

This is really death by 1000 cuts and what is also tragic here is that your children are learning this terrible model of a marriage from you two. Would you want this type of relationship for them as adults, no you would not but currently the two of you are showing them that yes this is how people do treat each other in relationships. You're both showing them that a loveless marriage is and could be their norm too.

How can you possibly make this work on your own?. Short answer is that you cannot. It takes two to make a marriage work and he is not interested in anything about you at all other than for you to meet his own needs within the home.

Are you also confusing love here with codependency?.

Someone else touched on this already, but he holds all the cards here as (and this is the tough bit) he is happy with how things are. That means you are majorly incompatible as it's your needs that have been pushed down. However, this probably isn't the time for major upheaval. A starting point in making you feel better is being honest with yourself (posting here is a sign you are doing that) and also with others IRL. At the moment, it's all an external illusion of the perfect family, which can be comforting for a while but eventually eats away at you. This isn't a Facebook page, it's your life!

As a slight aside, you write in such an insightful and articulate way, it's clear you have a lot to offer and would blossom with someone you 'connect' with.

Good luck. You don't need to change everything overnight, but let the mask slip a little to others. It will help.

Thanks everyone for your advice, it's really appreciated. You've all given me a lot to think about.

BastardGoDarkly We did attend a few counselling sessions, but no change has come from them. I cried a lot during the sessions and I don't think he's under any illusion as to how I feel. He wants me to be more 'positive' - and goodness knows I've tried, tried to be optimistic that things will change for the better, but it's bloody hard to maintain that positive outlook for months when nothing changes from his side.

pog100 That's the crux of it, I think - I have nothing to threaten him with. He has me over a barrel, and he knows it, so there's no incentive for him to change. I've been a SAHM and out of the job market for so many years now that my education/experience is worthless. He has a good career, and I wanted to be at home with the DDs, but I realise now I've left myself too dependant on him. And although I'm disillusioned with my marriage, he's a fantastic father and the girls adore him. I couldn't break up their home, I just couldn't, and he knows that too. I know it sounds as though I've made the decision to stick it out, so should stop moaning and get on with it, but my god it's hard to do. I just wish he'd be honest with me. Tell me why things have changed. Stop promising he'll do x, y and z and not following through.

Attila No, he wasn't always like this! He used to be very affectionate, used to desire me. He was a totally different man. Which is why I was so blindsided when he told me a few years into the marriage he wasn't really a demonstrative sort of person, because until that point, he had been! All the physical affection and sex stopped. As time's gone on, I've begun to resent him for moving the goalposts. I feel as though he married me under false pretences. I certainly didn't sign up for this version of marriage - he's imposed it on me, and I have no choice in the matter.

You ask what's keeping me in the relationship - I want our marriage to work, because I love him. I love him as much as I did when I married him. I meant every word of my wedding vows. And I can't break up the DD's home.

Sunflowers I agree. I can best compare it to a house. The exterior looks pretty but the interior is rotting away. We're both doing maintenance to the outside, patching up the cracks, touching up the paint. We're always nice, polite and considerate to each other. Never a cross word or an argument. It's superficially lovely. But the inside is a mess. We have no conversation, no shared hobbies, no affection, no intimacy, no sex.

I'm terrified the whole thing will collapse, but I don't know how to fix it. I've tried my best, but it's a two man job, and I can't do it alone. Occasionally I break down and tell him how worried I am, and he reassures me everything will be fine. So I watch him walk round the outside, calmly patching up the cracks yet again, and become steadily more miserable all the time.

Sorry for the length everyone, but it feels good to write it down. Thanks again for your replies. What am I really hoping for here - maybe some coping strategies? Will I get used to this state of affairs in time? Has anyone managed to successfully turn things around?

I hate to say this, but IMO when a man emotionally checks out of a marriage he has got an OW.

So sorry you are having such a hard time OP. Just wondered if you have any interests out of the house? I don't mean to downplay the challenges in your marriage but would it help to have something else to focus on/ distract you from the constant worrying? I know this might not be achievable with a newborn though! I know when I am really worried about something it is all consuming which doesn't help my mh or resolving it in the long run

On a practical level could you financially survive without him? What are your joint assets? Mortgage and the like?

How old are you both? And how long has his emotional unavailability been going on for? How long have you been feeling this low?

To be honest, if he's checked out and you want him back then you're going to have to put yourself through a lot stress and egg-shell walking to make sure you don't upset the situation. It would be miserable. And you would grow to resent him after some sort of trauma-bonding.

And if he can incrementally reduce your expectations of him as a father and husband then you will end up utterly miserable.

endofthelinefinally It has crossed my mind. I don't want to say too much as outing, but he works in a profession with a high divorce rate. To be truthful, it wouldn't surprise me. But he works such long hours in a stressful job that I don't see how he would possibly find the time. And I'm well aware that his hard work enables me to stay home with the girls. He's a wonderful provider and works extremely hard for our family, so I feel very thinking along those lines.

Bobby Thanks Bobby. This pregnancy has been hellish and I've never felt so ill in all my life, so I haven't been able to keep up with hobbies and interests I used to have. You're right, that doesn't help. I have too much time to think and worry. But I'll have my hands full soon enough with a newborn. I know I'll be feeling better physically once they're here, so that will have a positive impact too.

VladmirsPoutine No, I couldn't. I'm totally dependant on him. I've been a SAHM for the best part of a decade. My skills and education are obsolete now. It took me a while to realise what a mistake that was, but I am making plans to do something about it once the new baby is a little older.

We're only early 30's. We've been married twelve years. He's been emotionally unavailable for at least four of those. I don't know when or even if he's checked out - I just don't know. He doesn't communicate with me anymore, and our communication always used to be good - he could discuss his thoughts and feelings with me years ago.

I still love him, but I resent him at the same time. I feel he's caused me so much unnecessary pain over the last few years. But however much I may fault him as a husband, I cannot fault him as a father. His girls are his life and I cannot criticise him as a parent in any way.

He isn't a great father. He is making his dds mother extremely unhappy, and - on some level - he knows it, and doesn't care.

He is an unkind man.

What changed 4 years ago?

Cambionome I know he knows it, and doesn't care - I just don't know why! If I make him unhappy, or if I need to change what I'm doing, or if he doesn't love me, why won't he tell me? I don't think I'm an unreasonable person. I've tried so hard to reduce my demands on him. I just want him to be honest with me. I'm floundering and don't know what to do for the best.

louisiana30 Our younger DD was born, and I had terrible PND which I didn't deal with promptly. I was probably hell to live with at that time. I was suicidal, cried endlessly, heard voices, all sorts. He wanted me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get myself to the doctor. He's very much of the opinion that the only person who could have helped me was me. I agree that I should have been more proactive in seeking help and I was very difficult to be around during that time. For my part, I felt totally unsupported - he either left me alone to cry for hours, or sat in silence and watched me. He didn't cuddle me or comfort me. I think he was angry with me for not getting myself to the doctor and taking decisive action to help myself. I don't disagree with him that I needed professional help. But I find it impossible to explain to him how low I was, and that I needed some help and encouragement from him. I think that's when things changed. He's withdrawn from me since and focused on the girls.

Op

You have to pull yourself together here.

If you really do love him as much as you say you do you should be feeling angry, why are you accepting this treatment? Do you think you deserve it? Does he tell you that?

I would be inclined to guess that things have changed since you became a mum and he has not been getting as much sex from you as he would like and/ or he is jealous of the attention you give the DCs.

The fact that he is lavishing attention on them suggests he is trying to promote his good guy image out of guilt because he knows you are unlikely to stay together.

He could be cheating... or he is just a shit.

Please explain why you should be accepting this?

I mean this kindly, but you need to toughen up now and start exploring the possibility that you and him may not have a future and preparing accordingly. This will give you strength and who knows, if might give him s jolt. I suspect you won't be able to forgive him though for putting you through this during your pregnancy.

He sounds very cowardly and unworthy of you.

Good luck

It's absolutely horrible that he sat and watched you go through such an awful time after the birth of your dc. Of course you couldn't pull yourself up by your bootstraps- you were seriously ill!

I feel so angry on your behalf.

Hè doesn't have you over a barrel, you've chosen to surrender a lot of power to this man and he's taking full advantage of that gift.

He obviously prefers the status quo and yes, that includes your unhappiness, so waiting around for him to be different is futile.

The great guy and wonderful father is the narrative that you tell yourself which enables this farce of a marriage to continue. You're so in love with the idea of love, that you've been ignoring the fact that he doesn't appear to love you. He shows you enough interest to keep you there but not enough to satisfy you, that isn't love.

This will be your life unless you choose to stop accepting it. You can not change his behaviour but you can say that it's unacceptable and if it doesn't change, you will no longer expose yourself to it. The balls never in the court of the person who prefers, the status quo.

Do you have support in place for when this baby comes?
I have had pnd, but not as badly as you did. If your H is not supportive you need to have someone else there for you.
I have no doubt that his attitude and lack of care made your pnd much, much worse.
I could not forgive that.
If he loved you he would not have behaved like that.

In your situation I would build up a social and support network outside of the marriage.

I'd also focus on the children and spending quality time with them.

If having done those things I still felt unfulfilled..then I'd really begin to emotionally detach in order to protect myself and with a view to separating.

You can't change anyone else....You can only change your reaction and response to them.

If having done all the things mentioned...I still felt miserable...there's just no point anymore. It would make me feel like looking elesewhere.