Dp won't talk...

[NickyNora]

Dp won't talk about anything to me. We're splitting up but he won't talk about our relationship, dc or events that have brought us to this point.

How to I resolve the issues ( which are deeply painful) that he refuses to acknowledge or discuss?

TIA.

You can't really can you?

I mean if he won't talk to you, you can't work together to progress things.

If you're splitting up anyway then leave him to it

Maybe talk to a therapist or a counsellor instead if that would help

Thanks. He insists I'm just giving up & maybe I am but he just sits there when I try to have a conversation with him.

When I bring up really painful & stuff that I found really distressing, he insists he can't remember it. (I'm talking his behavior when I gave birth /had a miscarriage/had an operation)

He's never going to change. He's not really changed since we got together. I just can't be with him anymore.

I could be talking about the weekly shop or a life changing event & I know I will get the same response.

I'm angry all the time. I have cried & raged at him, again no response.

I hate the miserable whiny person I am.
I wish so much we could comunicate. But we can't. He refuses counselling.
I am waiting for Talking therapy/CBT hopefully should start in about 6-8 weeks.

I need to stop... It's exhausting.

You will feel better when you are free of this.

Mine did the same. Refused to talk about any of the fucking horrible stuff he did to me. Would walk away, get wound up, shout at me he didn't want to talk. So I stopped. He's moving out soon.

Presumably stonewalling you and feigning ignorance has worked before, he's just waiting for your energy to run out and all go back like before.

Start working on the practicalities of the split instead.

Oh he doesn't shout.
I almost wish he did.

It's zero reaction regardless of what I try to discuss.

I am category12. I'm waiting on a particular financial issue that will be sorted in a week or 2 at most.

I will change the locks etc. Rented house in my name.

Everything is organised.

It just hurts like hell. I need to do something to feel better. I've wasted nearly 19 years,best years of my life.

Now I'm a middle aged mum of 6 with no career, no support & no money.

Me ExP also refused to engage. I didn’t want to split up but he wouldn’t talk about our issues. He just said ‘you know I don’t like to talk about things’ and left. 2 weeks later he came back and said ‘so- am I moving back in?’ And I said well we still need to talk about stuff - so he left again! 18 months ago - I still feel angry that we split up because he wouldn’t talk.
I have realised that in the whole 10 years together we never once had a row or discussion. Sounds lovely , but it’s frustrating when you’re talking to a marshmallow and get nothing back whatsoever .

There’s nothing you can do. Just stick to your plan.

NickyNora there is not much more you can do. You've suggested couples counselling and he won't do it.

The only thing I can say is that you will get a lot out of getting your own counselling and that might, MIGHT, help in how you address things with him.

I've been in the same situation as you for years and am watching the best years of my life slip past. That's what scares me the most.

My wife has stonewalled me for nearly ten years. I think she genuinely doesn't have a clue how to address difficult issues because she was brought up this way. She admits she struggles to communicate and "that's just the way she is". She's always said the right things about seeing someone together and addressing things, but she's delayed and obfuscated for so long that it's ground me down.

I love her to bits and live in fear of splitting the family up, but staying with the status quo is a horrifying alternative - and I don't use those words lightly. I cannot watch myself turn into a shell of my former self. Like you, I do not want to be the one complaining and whining all the time.

I've seen a few counsellors myself over the last few years but it is only recently that I've found the right one. She is simply amazing. The most crucial difference with her is that she has helped me to return to my true self: More positive, more comfortable in raising these difficult issues after years of being ground down by the stonewalling.

My wife has FINALLY agreed to see someone together. Better than that, she wants to see someone to address the deep seated and unresolved issues she has buried for so long. I think the reason we've got to this slim chance of survival is that I've found the right counsellor to speak to myself. I can now address things in a manner that means my wife has nothing to hide behind. Crucially the counsellor has helped me get my confidence back and helped my realise I'm not being unreasonable. I'm realistic that we still have a long way to go, but I want to make sure I've done everything I can to save the marriage.

Of course, if you've got to point where you don't want to save it any more, then you already have your answer.

Don't ever give up, but be true to yourself and if it's over, then be brave. (Easier said than done)

I used to describe my exH as ‘so laid back he was horizontal’ in many ways that was good but the downside was the air never got cleared, if anything was uncomfortable to discuss he went to the pub , he just didn’t do ‘emotion’ at all

Forgot to add and the reason I didn’t notice it before we married was because the stuff that causes strife just didn’t crop up because we hadn’t lived together (I was young) the thing is before you marry unless you live together you rarely have the issue of joint finances, kids , housework etc

If you've told him you are leaving he probably doesn't see the point in talking about why.

I'm not leaving, he is.

He doesn't know & thinks I won't make him leave due to 2 of our DC having SN. I have no family support, no one that can help me with dc so he's counting on that as the reason I will never make him leave.

FunnyThat I don't have your energy, time or love to keep hoping dp will seek help or counselling. I really hope things work out for you.

George he's been like this for over 18 years!

Same here. Point blank refuses to talk, complete lack of communication. Also when I get really frustrated about it he starts whistling a tune and doing this little freaky dance to himself, then just walks away. Makes my blood boil!!!

There's so much I can relate to in your post OP, especially:

I'm angry all the time. I have cried & raged at him, again no response.

I hate the miserable whiny person I am. I wish so much we could comunicate.

Unfortunately you cannot make someone talk, but you can change your response to it. That's what I'm trying to do now, cos the anger does nothing for you except raise your stress levels. I'm leaving my P when I can, but in the meantime I'm trying to disassociate, distract myself, focus on the future when I won't have this other person living with me dragging me down.

You've done as much as you can, if he won't discuss arrangements for the DC with you then arrange them to suit you and tell him what they will be.

headdeepinsand is he trying to piss you off with the whistling and dance?! I'd throttle him!

OP - I am sorry, you sound deeply unhappy. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be.

One thing though. Something must have changed recently.
You are saying he’s been like that for 18years. And has never changed.
How did you manage all those years?

I know you think you want to talk about the past. Is that to hear him
apologize? Even if he does - it won’t make it better. Past hurts won’t go away. Unfortunately.

I have the same issue. I have initiated the split. I feel as if by not talking the burden is all on me. When I said things are not working he just turned around and said I agree.

I would recommend "the verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans, as it discusses how tactics such as stonewalling is all about power & control.

When you get angry it gives him the opportunity to not respond as "she is just unreasonable or crazy" ..that's why its such a red flag to hear s partner describe his ex as crazy.
Ignoring your need to talk is invalidating which is why it's often a sign that a relationship is very unhealthy and will end.

Another good book is "the dance of anger" a womans guide to changing pattens of intimate relationships. It's not really about anger, more frustration in our relationship communication!
My STBX is just like yours. Very emotionally unavailable.