How do I get over this (SIL)

[snowmachine]

My future SIL was very nasty to me last year just as I had given birth to my son.

I was bombarded with essay length messages that harassed me and I had to block her and my DP has to tell her to leave me alone.

There's a lot that went on and it had built up, but by the time my baby was about 8 weeks old she came over to apologise.

I'm struggling to forgive 9 months on.
I feel she took away the precious newborn days with giving me stress and anxiety and I don't feel comfortable around her anymore as I don't feel I can trust what she says anymore as she is perfectly lovely in front of people but very much not lovely over message and would regularly post up passive aggressive and slightly cryptic messages on social media that were quite blatantly aimed at me.
I came off social media so I didn't see it anymore.
She told DP that for the sake of the family she would be civil to me.

I just want to be happy with my little family but everyone has expected me to have moved on and forgotten all this, but it's so hard as every time I see her I just remember those words and feel like I am just being tolerated and it's all just game face.

She just recently gave birth for the thrid time and I have shed a few tears as I am upset that she gets for the third time a lovely newborn and I feel she totally ruined my time of that.

I haven't been able to face her or feel happy for her and I know I am expected to visit soon to meet newborn.

On top of this my DP has chosen her DH (his brother) to be his best man at our wedding and some how this makes me uneasy but I haven't wanted to tell DP who he should or shouldn't have as his best man.

Can anyone knock some sense into me?
Tell me I'm an idiot and I should just get over this and move on?
I feel like it's affecting me more than it should after 9 months and I just want to be happy

Bumping for the weekend

I have a similar issue involving my FIL's wife. I had a late miscarriage last year and had to give birth at 16 weeks and ended up having emergency surgery and nearly died. They travelled up to help with the other children whilst I recovered and me and Dh tried to come to terms with what had happened. I have 6 children and it was hard for them to cope with looking after them and she ended up basically throwing several tantrums and swearing and it was hat bad that I actually left my house and booked into a hotel within 2 days of losing the baby! She then left the house later on and went to another hotel so I ended up going home then she got the train home. My FIL stayed and then came back a week or so later to actually lead the service we were having for the baby at the crem.... she didn't come and has never apologised. We are meant to be going down there in May for a big family bash for FIL's 60th and I just can't face her.
I can really appreciate where you are coming from but what I will say is that she did apologise, I know that may not make you feel any better but apologising takes guts. I'm sorry that those precious first weeks were ruined and yes it is unjust that she has had her third baby and it's been stress free for her. My only advice would be to be the bigger person and let it go. As I say the fact she apologised should have gone some way to helping mend the rift. You can't hold it against her or you risk spoiling your wedding too. If I had had an apology I would have been forgiving of my relative but I haven't had one. Life is too short to hold grudges when someone has tried to make amends. I hope it all works out for you and best of luck with your wedding

Personally, I refuse to spend time or communicate with people who are toxic. I wouldn't waste one second with your SIL.

If you don't have an issue with your BIL I don't see the problem, unless he didn't step in and tell his wife to stop the harassment.

If you don't feel comfortable to go and see the baby...don't go. I would struggle to go after her behaviour.

People think an apology erases their behaviour...it doesn't. What possesed her to do what she did? Is there a back story?

Why do you have to go? Say you’re looking after the baby/not feeling well and send DH on his own.

But you would be better off letting it go.

I would also send your DH on his own. I think a lot of the time this 'being the bigger person' stuff is massively over rated.

Don't give her head-space and keep her at arms length. See her only when there is a larger group, so you don't really have to interact with her.