long term isolation getting me down a bit

[sadinthesnow]

Regular but nc for this. Am a lp with no family. Troubled background, parent and sibling with addictions (now dead) lots of abuse etc. Married someone who turned out to be EA and left me for someone else over a decade ago. He still sees dcs, acts like he hates me and tries to get at me in any way possible, I've learned to deal with it and keep a distance.

I've had therapy and made a pretty good life I suppose, for dcs and me. Lots of the basics are in place anyway. But I haven't had any kind of boyfriend in years, dcs are growing up and doing their own thing now, which is great of course.

I have tried hard to make friends, and do have some friends. Mainly they don't live that near and I don't see them often and that's okay. I have a few locally I see maybe once a week or fortnight for a coffee. I get out to stuff, have tried hobbies, I do try, although I guess previously that's all been around babysitters or when I don't have dcs etc. so not always much free time.

I never have people round, not intentionally, just never happens. People are busy with dcs dhs etc I guess. I have got so much in the habit of just being alone. I'm close to the dcs and no-one else so much really. I don't want them to feel I'm reliant on them when they need to leave home.

I feel like I don't know how to get out of the isolation really. My work is self employed, no 'colleagues' as such. I feel like nobody can understand what its like and I'm embarrassed about always being alone and having no partner or extended family. I even feel undateable because of it really (and I don't really meet men and don't think I have the thick skin needed for OLD)

what would you do in this situation? thanks

You sound in a v similar situation to my mum, I really feel for you, it's not a nice situation to be in. Unfortunately my mum is stubborn and all her kids are now late 20s early 30s and long gone from home, but she's still living the same isolated life. I suggested for her to start getting some hobbies, do you have any interests that you've never had time to persue before? Something that involved some kind of club where you all meet up. Scrapbooking, sewing class, crochet, night school are a few I can think of off the top of my head but I'm sure there's hundreds. Even a few hours work behind the bar in a pub would open you up to meeting new people.

Do you drive? Is there much in your local area to do? There's so so so many people like you, desperate to meet other people but stuck in a rut so to speak. I hope you can find a way to start meeting people, loneliness is horrible

You said you have friends but you never have them over because they are busy with dcs dhs, but good friends would make time for you. Have you tried asking them around? It's not easy also to find a partner at any age, so can understand that is getting you down. It's hard. OLD isn't so bad as you get older it's worse when you are younger. Also you should remember how many people are in a relationship just for the sake of it that don't always want to be in one any more. It's not always the solution, even though it might seem like it? Just a thought. You being happy is. Hobbies might be a way to go, and reach out to the decent friends in your life. If they are too busy with dc, dh they are not really friends.

Thank you both.

cause its a good point to think about evening work as a possibility and just keep plugging on with hobbies and stuff. I will try to make that my outlook as dcs get older, maybe look into doing a weekly class and then later on another part time job or volunteering.

certraben I probably haven't asked recently. I think I've lost confidence. I don't really get invited round either though but then I don't think people in couples maybe invite a single person over as much? and I've found over the years as I've met single people they then get coupled up and don't want to do nearly as much. Maybe they're not as good a friends as I think but also its a bit harder to meet new friends when you're older I think. Although I have just about managed it I suppose.Maybe I need to add in a few new ones.

Try asking some friends over who have been in relationships for a long time, that aren't obsessed with a new partner and have made time for themselves in their own relationships.
I think an evening class is a good idea, do you like drawing or painting? I don't know what age you are so it's hard to suggest suitable things to do. What age are dcs, is there anything you can do together still?
Definitely make time for some new friends. I wish you all the best. Remember there are so many people in the same boat as you both in and out of relationships.

Joining long term isolation club, present and correct. Very similar reasons to you.

As pp say, we aren't the only ones by a long chalk. Looking at your story it seems the self-employment is the killer - can you do anything about that? It's ok to be self-employed (alone) if your life in general is thrumming with people; not so good if your, our, life is empty of said people. I find I don't need much in the way of general interaction to make me feel connected BUT I do need to make sure I keep on top of those opportunities and don't let them slide.

There's that old saw about giving to receive and imo it really is accurate. Do you do any voluntary work, however small?

OP, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from as I am in a similar situation . You are correct in that friends may be happy to see you in the day for coffee or a lunch but they do not want to go out at night if they have partners or children . It's nothing to do with them not being good friends as people have said . People just do not think or realise what it is like for someone living on their own and yes they do not invite you either to things as a single woman . They are occupied by their own life. I think back to when I was married and did I really think about single friends ? No I didn't . I do not work (early retired/not my choice) so do not have work contact either . I try to keep busy through the week and get out for a walk or other exercise . I have tried some Meet Up activities before ( look for some in your area ) - maybe I need to do so again . I do some voluntary work one day a week and have made a friend through that .I find that many friends come online at night with Messenger and other chat and I also look on here . I think more and more people interact in this way . It makes the hours pass a bit faster . I have nothing planned with anyone for this weekend but would normally go out for the day if the weather was OK . Life just seems very unfair at times . I look at couples when I am out and think Why them and not me ? Not much to offer really other than say you are definitely not the only one in this boat . If you can change your job then yes I would try to do that to get more contact .I have tried OLD but sick already of dishonest men .

Thank you I can't tell you how much it means to me to have shared this on here and to know that I'm not alone also

certraben I will think about opportunities to get people round. I do like art and an evening class is definitely an option and a good idea. Dcs are early teens so it will get easier to do and do things the odd evening, previously it's all been about babysitters etc so it is a good reminder that with a bit more free time I can potentially do more stuff like that.

springy your words have really given me food for thought. The isolation from being self employed is one thing I could change. I may change roles altogether so that I can do something which will give more companionship, as I have many years of work ahead of me and my current work is quite isolating. I am going to give this serious consideration over the next months and think about making a change there, as seeing people on a regular basis would give me some stability I don't have now. Volunteering is also a great idea and one I'll give thought to. It may be that it could even be a route to a new job. One of my dcs has SN and I've found what I do now good to fit around school holidays etc but in a couple of years they'll be more independent hopefully and I can start to think about what steps I can take now towards doing something else.

yupanother it's interesting to hear your experiences and like you I didn't really think about it when I was married I guess. People just don't realise what its like, as you say. I'm going to look on meet up and try to get a few activities lined up, to see if I can pull myself out of this slump.

Thanks again, the contributions have been invaluable and have helped me think about some strategies and it helps to get it out in the open and know I'm not alone, it really does. Thanks for taking the time to read and give these suggestions.

I previously made ALL my friendships via work so switching to self employment was hard. Volunteering definitely helped me, along with connecting with other women in my industry via forums.

I have support from my sister but no other family apart from my adult son. He needs my support emotionally, I need his support physically. Thats how we roll.

OP - also in a similar position. I have lovely friends who have busy families and are getting on with normal life. I have no solution to offer other than I just busy myself and am used to my own company. I don't really want to be like this forever but I do hope that at some point my friends will fancy a night out now and again!

Thanks nottheford and minestheone

I hope your friends do too minestheone !

I've felt inspired by the responses on here and have found it comforting. I'm definitely looking into possible hobbies and volunteering and then maybe a job change later on. Best of luck to all of us in this position

I'm glad this has been of some help to oyu , OP . I went out yesterday on my own but its hard looking at all these "couples" - mind you most of them look miserable anyway and then then guys are checking you out ! Think there's a lot of "couples" out there who are just together because ...well because . At least we don't have to wash someone's socks or worse and can do what we want when we want . Many of my married friends say they wish they lived on their own - yeah right easy to say that when you have a partner doing all this stuff for you in your life - bloody checking your tyre pressure blah blah . They have NO IDEA ! Look at MEET UP . Your post has reminded me of them and I should do more too. I'm also thinking about doing some further education online. There is a great site called FUTURE LEARN who offer free and short online courses on all kinds of things . It's not meeting people as such but it is mind engaging and can help with jobs etc. Good luck !

Inspired by this thread I've just had a coffee in a cafe and I spoke to the woman on the next table - she had a dog with her so that was an easy conversation starter.

I wouldn't normally have spoken to someone at the next table - in fact I get into the zone when I'm doing things on my own and don't notice others too much (even couples! I just don't notice them).

We just chatted a bit, no great shakes but a definite connect. Maybe we should do more of that? Ie alone together kind of thing..

Trouble is the language around this sounds so lame! What I mean, above, is not being shamed into silence about being alone - not being embarrassed to talk to people.

this is good news springy and I am going to try that too, next time an opportunity arises. I know what you mean, just reaching out and connecting to people. I can get a bit hermit like if I haven't talked to anyone for ages and it kind of gets in a viscous spiral. So chatting to new people is a positive way forwards.
I'm going to think about opportunities to connect more

thanks yup will check out future learn. Just shaking things up a bit can be a start. Am definitely going to try a meetup.