I’m done

[Soldiers]

I just need to vent.
I’m not in love with my husband anymore. In fact I rather despise him. He’s been a control freak, nasty tempered shit for years. He has finally accepted he has mental health problems - has seen the gp, takes his meds & is seeing a counsellor. He has improved no end. He’s all lived up with me again. BUT this seems to have come in conjunction with some amazing advice I got from here regarding my own health problems. I followed an anxiety site (can’t remember the name exactly - reaction or tolerance?). Basically asking myself what I am scared of, what’s the worst that can happen, what would you do? Well now I’m no longer scared. He hits me - we leave & he’s arrested. He sulks & screams - I walk away... now I don’t care - he does. I’m faking the good wife quite brilliantly still, but I do not care any more. I love his family still. And obviously our children. But he could drop dead tomorrow and I wouldn’t be overly bothered (other than how it would affect dcs).
I won’t leave though. As s family we are dependant. Maybe this makes me callous & hard, but my heart has died.
Feels better getting that out

Great, he's so violent he gets arrested, lovely life for the children. A violent, foul tempered dad.

Why won't you leave? This is no life and your kids will never thank you for it. Mind you if he gets arrested won't social services eventually get involved?

He’s never been physically violent. Just grumpy. These were my anxieties that I’ve put away with worst case scenarios. I apologise for not being clear. Like I said I’m venting/ranting.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like this as adults?. No you would not but you're showing them that this is still acceptable to you.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. They are learning that a loveless and abusive marriage is their norm too.

What do you get out of this relationship, what keeps you within this?Is it fear of him, your own inertia and fear of change?.

I won’t leave though. As s family we are dependant.

Can you tell us more about this? When you're done, you're done, I completely understand that, but it seems a shame to stay when maybe you could leave if you were supported a bit?

He hits me - we leave & he’s arrested
is he violent or not?

You are right I would not wish for my dc to have horrid relationships, but I genuinely think they know better. It’s not just inertia. There was fear (which was where thosecworst case scenarios came from.). I cannot support the dc alone. I have nowhere to go. No-one to help. No money. Unable to work, but apparently unable to claim any help (I was one of those stops cases).

I think the OP is being hypothetical, she means that him hitting her would be the worst thing and then she would leave. But OP why would you want to stay knowing that could be a possibility? Is there no way you could separate?

No he has never physically touched me. He’s shouty. I used to be scared he would “snap” so would pander to him. I’ve realised if he did do that I would have him arrested & the fear stopped. The pandering stopped. And now he is lovely and loving and kind....,

You are one of their primary influences when it comes to relationships. They are learning from the two of you about relationships. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

They could all end up leaving home sooner rather than later and not wanting to come home to see either of you because of them seeing you being abused within their former home. Your own relationship with them as adults could be damaged because they could well think that you have put him their dad before them. They could well call you stupid for staying with him.

Fear keeps a lot of people within abusive relationships but no obstacle to leave is infact insurmountable. As a married person you have rights and your position here is not powerless at all. Have you for example ever sought legal advice re your legal position on divorce?. If you are in the UK as well there are organisations that can help you.

You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Abusers can be "loving and kind" sometimes but that is really all a part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Its well documented in abuse cases.

He is abusing you and in turn your children who are also witness to all this within their home. Their home should be a sanctuary, it is akin to a warzone because their dad has decided to carry out his own private based war on you as their mother.

You are probably right Attila. So now guilt.

But how do you access legal help with NO money? I’m assuming I couldn’t get legal aid as jointly we are solvent.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. He crossed that line the first time he abused you.

Yours own recovery from his abuse of you will only properly start when you have separated from him. The emotional damage being done to your children currently by seeing all this is incalculable and will perhaps further come to light when they have relationships themselves. They could well be abusive themselves or having abusive partners.

"I’m assuming I couldn’t get legal aid as jointly we are solvent"

Why do you not properly find out and speak to some Solicitors about your abusive marriage and where you stand legally?. If you have not sought any legal advice to date then you are only working from mere supposition which will not help you either.

If you are in the UK you could speak to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations.

If you are staying for purely financial reasons this in itself is not a good enough reason to remain within it. Your children are being harmed here as well because they are seeing you being abused by their dad.

I’m not sure I’ve ever said abuse? This could well all be in my own mind. He has mental health issues. He’s a grumpy miserable shit, but my fears could very well be an overactive imagination or my own hysteria. I’m not even sure he’s bright enough to play the mind games these abusers do. I’m not an uneducated woman. I see the threads on here. Maybe I’ve read too many and am projecting .

"I’m not sure I’ve ever said abuse? This could well all be in my own mind".

No its not. Absolutely not. Giving their chosen target spaghetti head is par for the course in abusive relationships.

He has mental health issues.

Is that what he tells you or you think that he does?. There is no excuse or justification for such abuses towards you. Some men do use MH issues actually as an excuse or cover to abuse. He does this because he can and it works for him. What are his parents like Soldiers, they the same as he?. He learnt this from them most probably.

"He’s a grumpy miserable shit, but my fears could very well be an overactive imagination or my own hysteria".

Its neither.

"I’m not even sure he’s bright enough to play the mind games these abusers do".

He knows exactly what he is doing here, he has manipulated you into staying and or otherwise thinking that you would never manage on your own. Does he behave similarly around other people or employees?. No he does not. He chooses to abuse you instead.

I’m not an uneducated woman. I see the threads on here. Maybe I’ve read too many and am projecting.

Its nothing to do with being educated or otherwise, abuse happens across all creeds, monetary status and classes Many educated women as well can and do find themselves in abusive relationships for all sorts of reasons. Abusers can sniff out and detect vulnerability a mile off and exploit that in their chosen target to their own ends. You were targeted by this person. You are not projecting your own stuff onto him.

Attila - please believe I’m not being argumentative or awkward. I just don’t want time wasted on me unnecessarily.
I have to believe the mental health thing is real. He fought against it. Is better with medication (which I insisted on).

His parents are lovely. We get on better than he does 😂.
Actually he has lost his shit with colleagues. They bollock him - he comes home & cries on my shoulder.

The biggest thing is. I was never ever vulnerable!!! Quite a hard faced bitch in fact. It was only a long while into our marriage, I got very very ill and vulnerable. I think that was when I got vulnerable. My fear is that my brain got sick & made me weak. I allowed this to happen as I didn’t have the mental capacity to see up for down? That’s why I wonder if my issues are my mental weakness.