practical and realistic advise needed

[mylifeisweird]

Hi everyone, dh and I have been experiencing problems almost from the start of our marriage. dh keeps changing his opinion of me..From very nice to very bad and this cycle continues. I am in a place where I don't know i know him anymore. He insults in fights, verbally abuse (by labelling and harshly judging, jumping to conclusions, no explicit name calling like bitch) threatens divorce (before subtly, now for past few months openly).

In last fight which happened recently, he reminded me he had asked me to leave few months ago, and that why I wanted to stay. I feel he says this as a bargaining chip to keep me under his control. Because weeks after he mentioned divorce (and I did ask him that we will work), he said he can't see his life without me. We had another fight a week ago, he blamed me for all his problems, regretted our marriage and said I should go back. I tried to talk to him but it was causing more fight. Since then we are not talking but from next day, he has been helping a bit in house work, and got my favourite cookies from his office cafe, etc.

I am on dependant visa in UK. I can apply for citizenship next year.
I have been having confusing thoughts - he doesn't respect me, openly says that he wants me to leave, now use it to show his superiority, I should leave.

Another thought is I spent last few years trying to make this marriage work and completely ignored my career and finances. I should focus on my career, take therapy for self-esteem and childhood issues and get my citizenship, and see if our marriage improves in any way.
I feel going with option 2, he will always have an upper hand and I will never be able to assert my concerns / reasonable complaints. I will have to swallow my pride completely. There is some emotional abuse and he has a bit of controlling personality but not full-on abusive controlling where I have to worry for my safety.
What would you do in my place?
Thanks for reading. Will appreciate your thoughts

Do contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247. Ultimately you need to leave your H and divorce him. You are in an abusive marriage and it will not improve at all; what he is showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and this is a continuous cycle. This is who he really is and such men hate women, all of them.

The Rights of Women organisation are also well worth contacting.

Totally agree with ATM. You have to get away from him - he's never going to make you happy.

Thanks ATM, Blue.
I dont want to contact women's aid or similar organisation. I don't want to ruin his reputation. He is a product of very difficult upbringing and childhood abuse. I don't want to hurt him, I just want to focus on how my life can improve from here.
I have the same feeling, he will never improve. Not sure he hates all women. But thanks to his upbringing he has very rigid views about people and high expectations from wife. What if I stay one more year until citizenship and just focus on my career? My country has a very judgemental and nosey society. This is my second marriage.

Why not seek marriage counselling or return to your home country for a holiday.

Are you financially dependent on him?

The next time he mentions divorce..tell him you'll sign the papers when he files. As you want him to be happy with it without you ...but you can't continue having him threaten divorce.

Right now he relies on you falling in line when he threatens it. You need to show him you aren't scared.

These organisations are confidential - you don't need to give your names or address. You can just talk to them and see if there is any support. Have you thought of seeking some individual counselling for YOU. Look after yourself.

Definitely put up with it until you gain your citizenship. After that, split with him because it'll never get better and the better you do with your career etc the worse he will get

Thanks Sandy and Mary.

Yes, I am financially dependant on him. He has given me credit cards and doesn't monitor my spending. I use it mainly for grocery shopping and occasionally to buy stuff for me. He had also offered to help me financially to start a business. But because of these explosive fights, I have started to feel very depressed and de-motivated and afraid of things going wrong.
Counselling is very expensive. But I need it to raise my self-esteem. I have no social or emotional support at the moment.
Thank you all for your support. Your responses make me feel a bit better.

When next year is your visa up? Can you hang on that long?

"I dont want to contact women's aid or similar organisation. I don't want to ruin his reputation. He is a product of very difficult upbringing and childhood abuse. I don't want to hurt him, I just want to focus on how my life can improve from here".

He does not care about hurting you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

His reputation counts for nothing anyway because he abuses you as his wife. He will simply continue to abuse you if you stay with him with the result that his abuse will ramp up further as well. Putting up with this till you gain citizenship is not an option here for you.

He does not care about you and your life will improve only if you get away from him. Its not your fault that he has decided to declare his own private based war on you; this is all about him and him alone. You are not responsible for his actions, only he is. Many people as well do not have ideal childhoods but they choose not to abuse the one they purport to love. His actions towards you are inexcusable and there is no justification for abuse.

You are right Attila.
But I do not what to do. In my culture there is a lot of emphasis on tolerance and adjustment. This is my second marriage, if I go back I will have a lot of curious people around me. I know I will have to be tough, It's possible but things won't be very easy. I will live with a sense of failure and shame because I will be reminded or I will avoid people, questions. I am saying this based on my first experience.
My family will never tell me to stay in abusive relationship unlike many other families in my culture.
I know there is no justification for dh's behaviour because I had a very traumatic childhood myself. And I didn't insult dh. You are right that it's his choice. I know he won't change because he doesn't take any responsibility. He quotes all the people who like him. His family tolerates some of his irritations and unreasonable behaviour (not insulting) because he does a lot for them and they have high expectations and add give him pressure. I question his unreasonable behaviour (calmly and with respect), but he gets angry because in his opinion I don't let it go. I know he has some great qualities as a person. He is a great son, great brother, uncle and does a lot more than a son or brother but takes out frustrations on me. He was raised to be enmeshed with his family. It's very complicated and messy.
I just want to focus on my life. I know what you are saying is right. I need to think more.

I dont want to contact women's aid or similar organisation. I don't want to ruin his reputation.

Women's Aid would help you. It wouldn't have any impact on his reputation; and even if it did, it wouldn't be you ruining his reputation, it would be you seeking help. He is ruining his reputation by being abusive towards you.

Is this an arranged marriage OP ?

Thanks ontherise. I still don’t want to go to women’s aid because it’s deeply ingrained in me that I don’t want to hurt someone I love. I will blame myself for this. I know he sounds like a horrible person but he is so absorbed in HIS stress, pressures, he can’t see the hurt he is causing me.
Onemorecrap, it is kind of but not in the usual way.
I am thinking of taking a break, going to my country and then think what to do.
Thanks everyone.

Get your citizenship first, if you can hang on that long. Detach emotionally, speak to women's aid or friends, re-focus on your career, live your life. With your citizenship you will be much freer.