I'm a mess

[PopPop123]

Hi everyone, I just need some input and some outside thoughts as to my relationship and if anyone has been in this situation before and knows what I should do?

Background story -

OH and I have been together 4 years, last year I fell pregnant and we moved in to our own place together and have a DS now who is 8 months old.
Prior to us having DS, our relationship was very laidback. We're fairly young, think late 20s and we spent a lot of our time drinking, socialising, eating out or on holidays (which was great!). OH is a very social drinker, not one to turn down a pint or a night out with friends and doesn't know when to stop. On a handful of occasions, there have been times where he would disappear on me all night. He would say he was going home then end up out clubbing without telling me. One big occasion he went missing all night I found out he had called his ex girlfriend and I have reasons to believe he went to her house (no idea if he cheated), but this has never been confirmed and he always profusely denies it however evidence is too strong. I have chosen to stay with him after this, as I never had full proof and didn't want to speak with her. He also went to a few strip clubs in the beginning of our relationship, after I found out about one and told him this is not to happen anymore he still went on to the same one a few times after with friends. I'm still with him, and now writing this I feel like I have mug plastered across my forehead but hey ho. Aside from this we were incredibly happy and these things occurred once or twice a year at most. We found out about DS when I was in my second trimester (big surprise) but obviously went ahead with the baby and I'm very, very glad we did. He is the light of my life
However, the nigging thoughts of everything that has happened with my OH in the past while he's been drinking have been haunting me and reduce me now to an anxious, tense and upset mess when he tells me he's going to the pub with friends or out drinking for the night. I think it's largely down to the fact there's not a great amount of trust there. I now associate him drinking with me being upset or something awful happening to me that he's done. Albeit since we have had DS, he's proved to me many times that he can be responsible and he's a changed man and leaves me no reason to doubt him but the thoughts are still there. The arguments we have about this have now caused me to feel really down. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Prior to this, I was happy and bubbly and always up for a laugh. Now I'm a mess!! I always feel low and we argue over the most trivial of things. I don't want to leave him as I want to give our DS a shot at a family at least and despite everything I do love him. I just want to know if I can ever truly move on from the past.

Does anyone have any experience with this and any tips on how to move on?

"OH is a very social drinker, not one to turn down a pint or a night out with friends and doesn't know when to stop""

That's a red flag re him right there let alone the other stuff like disappearing on you all night and seeing an ex gf. Such behaviours as well are hard to get past and I do not think that he would have been half as forgiving or understanding as you have been. You've tolerated way too much crappy behaviour from him which also shows me how poor your own boundaries are; he has trampled all over them and you have allowed that to happen to you. Why did you not leave him back then?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you exactly?. Are you confusing love here with codependency?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

How exactly has your partner proved to you that he is now a responsible human being?. Did you ever seek counselling either together or separately?.

I think you do have MUG written in red pen on your forehead actually and writing hey ho as well makes you look further sad. Why have you stayed at all; if it is now for the sake of your DS then you are doing him a huge disservice here. Families are many things; its not 2.4 children and 2 parents here.

If you do not trust your partner there is no relationship to speak of. Is this really the family life you want to show your son, you're unhappy and your son will pick up on all that. He cannot and must not be the glue that binds you and this man together now.

Where's your anger here?.

he went to her house (no idea if he cheated)
YOU KNOW!!!!
Go and get that 'MUG' sign removed from your head and think about your future here.
Do you want this for the next 20+ years?
It won't change.
HE won't change.

Your DS deserves a good, mentally healthy mum.
You cannot give him this while you stay with this cheat.
It will continue to eat away at you. At your mental health.
You know what to do.
Hard as that may be, look into it properly.

Has he changed now DS is here? Has he been out on benders or all-nighters since he was born? Or has he completely knocked this on the head?
If he has stopped all that then, clearly its your issue that you can't trust him. If he is still doing it (even ocassionally) then you need to assess your relationship as he's not going to change and you could spend your life in this mess of anxiety. Its not healthy.

Whether or not he has stopped treating you like a doorrmat after the birth of your son is of no consequence: decent men do not go drinking and disappear all night. If he treated you like this in the past it proves what kind of man he is. That sort of treatment obviously makes you feel uneasy about your future, and why wouldn't it?

Attila the Meerkat gives some brilliant advice. If I were you, I'd act on it now before you invest more in a doomed relationship.

He is effectively a single jack the lad isn't he?
You would be better off raising ds alone.

How has he changed since you had your son?

I'm wondering if you have a bit of pnd?

Just a note here: I had pnd with my 2nd child largely due to a very poor relationship at the time. Post birth is a very vulnerable time and if you don't feel secure this can tip into a depression.

I'm not going to beat you over the head for staying - this is so easily done, esp when we are vulnerable. But do have a look at protecting yourself now.

Re the not knowing when to stop drinking could point to someone with a problem. It is an entirely losing wicket to be in a relationship with an alcoholic - very very painful emotionally. It could be you are a mess bcs you know in your gut your relationship is built on sand.

You don't trust him, you don't believe him that nothing happened that night. Don't stay with him for the sake of your son - whose mother is now a mess bcs of his father. Protect your boy from that, even if it's temporary while you get yourself together.

Perhaps take a year out to work out who you are, get some therapy, work on yourself. Find out about alcoholism via Al anon.

Hi @PopPop123

Some of the things you have mentioned here are experiences I have also had with my DFiance. The staying out all night drinking, being a complete prick and putting our relationship under so much strain and pressure that I thought I couldn't take any more.

He used to go out drinking, tell me he would be coming home and never appear. Even when I would text him to make sure he was ok, he would lie and fob me off saying he'd be home in an hour - that old chestnut. This happened on more than one occasion and it resulted in making me feel very uneasy when he did go out, so much so that it would make me feel physically sick and incredibly anxious. This was when we both had our own houses, so he'd end up back at his instead of mine like we had agreed before he went out.

People would call me a mug for staying with him, I made excuses too and looking back I probably would have left him earlier on in the relationship if we were to do it all over again.

However, I had my reasons for staying with him. I got pregnant, through carelessness and generally being shit at taking my pill, also suffering from mental health/depression at the time. So that swayed me - the baby.

Then our son died, he was stillborn at 38 weeks. This pushed us closer together and I was at a stage where I desperately needed DF and he did me because of the devastation and heartbreak we went through together.

However losing a child was not enough to make him stop being a selfish prick and it got so bad that I told him I couldn't take anymore and I wanted him to leave.

I then found out that I week that I was pregnant again.

We agreed to try to work on "us" for the sake of the child. Following our loss we both wanted to have another baby and although the timing was poor we took it as a blessing.

I told DF that he MUST change his behaviour if it was to work. I told him he had to make the effort to change and since then he has been going to weekly therapy sessions and things have been much better.

He is not drinking anymore, not going out like he used to and we have been much better as a couple.

I do sometimes worry that he will go back to how he was before. He assured me he doesn't want that and he is doing his best to make positive changes to make our lives better and the relationship stronger.

We have been through a lot of shit together. He has made mistakes and so have I.

I don't think the anxiety will ever fully go away for me. However I'm doing my best to deal with my issues as he is his. If he had refused therapy I think it would have been the end for us, I really do.
I sometimes feel like a total mug for letting him get away with so much but I know that he is a good person, he could just never properly control himself when it came to alcohol. He's learning now there's more to life than that, which is great.

I think if you want your relationship to work you need to have a sit down proper conversation with your DP. Try to get him to understand how you really feel. If he won't make changes then you have to ask yourself if you are happy to continue living the way you are. I can pretty much guarantee that your anxiety won't go away until he does something to make you believe he is changing and wants to stay changed. I still worry but I'm starting to feel better and more positive.

I do feel that relationships should be worked at, I don't like to just give up, however there are of course limits - you have to work out what yours are.

Bloody he'll, I don't want to work at my relationship to that extent

I'm sorry for your awful suffering Giraffe. You have perfectly illustrated the agonising life with an alcoholic.

No, I know a lot of people wouldn't Springy and as I said I probably wouldn't either if I were to do it all again.

However, he's not a bad person (DF). Addiction to anything is hard to tackle and I hope that when we are a bit further along perhaps we will be stronger.

We are taking things a day at a time currently. Perhaps there will come a time when I've had enough of trying (I was there before he went to counselling). So this is kind of last chance saloon for us. I know I can't take any more of the same behaviour and I'm at my limit, he knows that too, so it's down to him now.