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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Is it cheating if...

23 replies

upsideup · 01/03/2018 22:39

... the 'cheating' partner is being emotionally abused has said that they no longer want to be in a relationship but can't just leave because of the abuse, children, finances, living situation etc?

OP posts:

Prestonsflowers · 01/03/2018 22:46

The ‘cheating partner’ is lying to you

Original poster

upsideup · 01/03/2018 22:49

Prestonsflowers

This isnt my current situation, its a situation I was in in the past and a friend is in now and I can be 100% certain that the 'cheating partner' isnt lying.

OP posts:

FlyingMonkeys · 01/03/2018 22:54

They need to leave the relationship... Whatever their circumstances/excuses...

Chocolate50 · 01/03/2018 22:59

Sounds toxic. Get rid

Arapaima · 01/03/2018 23:06

Yes, it is still cheating. That doesn’t mean they are 100% to blame, but your question is “is it still cheating?” so of course the answer is yes. It cannot become ‘not cheating’.

ThisLittleKitty · 01/03/2018 23:42

Yes it is.

numptynuts · 02/03/2018 07:55

Yes it's cheating but abusive relationships are difficult to leave. Sometimes you need a new branch to swing to before you can let go of the old one. Not an excuse, mind.

SandyY2K · 02/03/2018 08:07

has said that they no longer want to be in a relationship

They need to add to this by saying "Im ending our relationship and consider myself single. You are free to see other people and so am I"

Unless of course they're married...
because it would be infidelity.

I'm not doubting there is abuse, but wouldn't this abuse be 10x worse is the abuser finds out she's cheating?

I'm also thinking there are kids involved...hence she can't leave.

She would end up looking worse to the kids if she cheats and all tje alleged abuse won't be mentioned or believed.

dirtybadger · 02/03/2018 08:13

Yes it is still cheating. Yes maybe it is more understandable, but I would urge any friend to stop. It is an unhealthy way to deal with their situation (especially if it is more than just sleeping with someone), and they are putting themselves at risk.

Most people coming out of abusive relationships are encouraged to spend time on themselves, so that they dont recreate the cycle with new partners. Obviously literally having an overlap between partners doesnt leave any chance for this. If they want to "be with" the new person, anyway, maybe they dont...

hellsbellsmelons · 02/03/2018 08:19

What steps has she taken to find out if she can leave or not?
Has she spoken to Womens Aid, Rights of Women or Shelter?
CAB can help her with benefits etc.....
She needs to start being proactive about leaving.
SS consider it abuse to the children if they in an abusive household.
So SS can also help her in this situation.
I'm assuming there is physical abuse but it doesn't make it any more unlawful. Domestic abuse, in any form is now illegal and she can steps. With the police even. Calling 101 and logging it with them will help.
Keeping a diary of everything is another thing she needs to start doing.
Does she have any friends or family who could help her with an escape/exit plan?

LizzieSiddal · 02/03/2018 08:21

Of course it’s still cheating.

Why can’t they leave?

ferrier · 02/03/2018 08:21

It is, but on the whole I would say abuse is a greater crime than cheating.

AuntieStella · 02/03/2018 08:27

Yes, it is still cheating, whatever the background.

And if discovered, you will be the one in the wrong.

Your marriage sounds dreadful, and coming from a something like that is not a time to be making choices about a new man (not least because the sort of man who hooks up with a vulnerable woman doesn't sound much of a catch).

But if the impetus to cheat acts as a wake-up call, and you out the energy and brainpower you might have put into the admin of betrayal into working out how to leave the marriage safelynand effectively, then you will be able to go forward into a future more of your choosing, and invite people in to it only from true readiness (not miserable desperation)

Original poster

upsideup · 02/03/2018 08:29

So, even if the person in both situations has made it very clear that they do not want to be in a relationship and in private is not acting like they are in that relationship? The other partners response is basically 'you cant leave'

OP posts:

Pinkvoid · 02/03/2018 08:31

Yep it’s still cheating and often this is an excuse used by cheaters to justify their actions to the other woman or man.

Trills · 02/03/2018 08:31

Made it very clear to WHO?

If you have made it very clear to your (now ex) partner than you consider the relationship over, then nothing you do can be cheating because you have split up.

Anyone getting involved with someone in a situation like this is a fool, but that's another issue.

PurpleDaisies · 02/03/2018 08:32

Whether it’s technically cheating or not is much less important than helping your friend leave if they’re the one being financially and emotionally abused.

ferrier · 02/03/2018 08:55

I can totally sympathise with the need to have a safe haven and some form of escapism. But it's such a dangerous thing to do when there's an abusive partner.

There is never ever an excuse for abuse but there is an excuse for 'cheating.

Please help your friend to take the steps that get her out of the abusive relationship. Preferably to singledom.

SandyY2K · 02/03/2018 09:28

The other partners response is basically 'you cant leave

Are they being held against their will?
The other person may not want them to leave, but they can't actually stop them from leaving.

dirtybadger · 02/03/2018 09:46

Its not cheating if theyre not in a relationship with the other person. Is that what youre saying is the case?

Either way I would still recommend ending the "affair"/new relationship and focusing on leaving safely and your friend getting their head together. This new relationship is very unlikely to come to any good end, regardless. I would also be concerned about emotional abuse escalating to physical if the partner finds out. If your friend is being held against her will then she needs to inform the Police. Or you do. If not, she needs to contact someone like WA and get legal advice and somewhere to stay.

numptynuts · 02/03/2018 20:11

It is, but on the whole I would say abuse is a greater crime than cheating

True story. But the abuser will be the the complete and utter victim because their victim cheated on them.

numptynuts · 02/03/2018 20:12

And yes they should end the relationship in a perfect world. Those who haven't been abused can say that easily but it's still true. Not wrong. Difficult.

PJsAndABlanketOnTheSofa · 02/03/2018 20:20

Yes it's still cheating.

Abusive relationships are difficult to leave. It is terribly difficult for the person in the abusive relationship and it might provide an escape for them but the affair is not going to he a satisfying, or real, relationship for the person on the outside of it.

Flip