Ways to cope with a lazy P

[Downwiththatsortofthing252]

Little bit of background; been together with P for 6yrs, we have a nearly 2 year old DS and twins on the way. The twin pregnancy was a shock, and it is a mistake, but I decided to go ahead with it despite all the problems with me and P.

It's so infuriating living with him, he puts in such little effort. I'm at my wits end trying to talk to him, but I just get ignored, or told that he's sorry but yet nothing changes. I could take most things but I hate the way P ignores DS.

Just from today P was working from home, I had to go to a hospital appointment and didn't go to work after, and DS was home from nursery.
DS is such a great lil boy, very easy to look after. I went upstairs to shower, was gone all of 10 min, but the whole time DS was crying for mummy. When I went down, P was on the laptop ignoring DS, but it turned out DS had wet himself (his nappy was off because of a sore bum), but P didn't notice because he was staring at his screen. It wasn't work though, it was his training which he can do any time, so not urgent.

He will leave DS in a dirty nappy for far too long, won't interact with him, even when he comes home in the evening from work he will be straight on the laptop looking at the stock market rather than talking to/feeding DS. I have to remind him most nights to start the bedtime routine.

When P does decide to change DS nappy he will pluck him up away without a word from his toys, lie him down on the mat while DS is screaming and change him while DS is struggling to get away, with no interaction. When I change DS its so easy; tell him let's change your bum, he'll often lie down for me and then he'll play happily with a toy while I change him.

There are SO many other issues, big and small, but these are from today.
I am getting so stressed thinking about what will happen when the twins are here, I doubt we'll be so lucky to get two more easygoing babies like DS. And DS is always hanging on to me now no matter what I do, because his dad won't pay him much attention, except for when i tell him to or maybe 20 min of play at the weekends.

I don't love him anymore, since he spends all evening every evening on his laptop, won't even make me a cup of tea when he's making one for himself, never asks about the twins/pregnancy, and is in general really inconsiderate.

I'm looking for coping mechanisms (and a rant!) more than anything, since I won't be LTB soon, it will take a while to be ready for that stage. Does anyone know of how I can disengage from the situation in the meantime, or learn to not be so angry all the time? I am not a pleasant person anymore around him, but I just don't care.

Woah, thats a bit long, sorry for the essay!

Are you sure you wouldn't be better off leaving him? I know it seems daunting with twins on the way but he is worse than useless and if you split he would still need to pay towards his kids. Do you have family nearby that you could move in with?

Read all of that and the one thing that got me the most was that he won’t make you a cuppa even when he’s making you one. I know it sounds silly but that’s the very bottom basics of caring about you, if you haven’t got that then the rest isn’t going to work. I think you should work out how to leave as soon as you can. Have you got family or friends you could move near and who would help with the babies?

TooMinty I have some family nearby including my amazing DM, but she travels a lot and lives in a 1bed apartment with no lift. Also moneywise I need time to get myself sorted with a working from home job once the twins are 1ish or 2, depending on if they're easy babies or not (lightening might strike again!)

I am painting P in such a bad light, he's not the worst guy but puts so little of himself into anything, and doesn't finish any job properly so then I have to pick up after him, its killed any love and respect I have for him.

I will leave, just not at the moment, I need his income and he will help somewhat with the twins once they get here so won't be completely useless. I just don't like feeling so unhappy and angry all the time in the meantime.

Chickenmom It is the small things that build up isnt it?! I consider it so rude to not make someone a cuppa. And when he spends all evening not talking to me but instead staying on the laptop.... I swear he'll find it with a hammer through the screen one day!

(I don't want him to spend ALL evening every evening talking to me, but there needs to be a balance I feel).

You really should be looked after and I can't help but think it will be easier to move before the twins come and not after. 3 wriggling little ones will surely make it harder.

MrsElvis If I had the funds I'd be out of here like a shot, I'm praying for a lotto win! I want to move about 40min away, near some family and good schools, but it's not a cheap area so I need to have a good solid plan and income coming in.

I know its frustrating to read, I WILL leave, but I need to get through maternity at least first. I have skills that mean I can work from home, but need to set it up so its regular first.

Does anyone know of techniques to get rid of negativity, or ways to manage difficult situations? I don't like who I am at home anymore, especially in the evenings,and this anger doesn't do any good to me or the DC

Can't help wondering if he's autistic? Doesn't interact with child, just changes nappy with no conversation, spends ages on laptop, meets his own needs but not aware of others, eg makes cup of tea, doesn't think to offer you one. If he's not autistic it sounds like he's emotionally checked out of the marriage and is barely acknowledging your existence.

Sorry to hear about this OP. You seem to have a plan and know what is best for you and your DC so focus on that. In the meantime, I would suggest reading. If I'm feeling a bit anxious or angry or restless etc, I pick up a book and read. I sometimes realise that I've read a good few pages and have no idea what is going on because I've got so much emotion or am thinking of the problems I have so then I pop some headphones in. You're probably thinking 'what?' But I swear by it. My brain can't allow me to think, listen and read at the same time so the headphones allow my thoughts to switch off whilst I read. Music also makes me feel good too. So it's a win, win situation for me. Another thing you could do is watch a box set, make yourself watch at least one episode a night. It'll give you something to look forward to. These ideas may not be for you but I just wanted to share.

I'm not going to suggest you do anything with your DP because you won't achieve that calmness or relief that you are looking for. If he is happy to ignore you, have some you time. Until you can put your plan in place. Good luck

Babdoc He doesn't have autism but I think you're right, he's gradually checked out of home life until it seems all he cares about is work. To be fair he does want to earn a good wage for his DC, to give them the best. Its an ok wage at the moment as is mine, but his has the chance to increase while mine is stagnant for the time being.

aproblem I do spend a lot of time lurking on the AIBU board, but don't think it counts as real reading!
You're right though, I used to be such a bookworm, and music is great at making you forget your issues, I'll get back into the library as much as I can before the twins arrive

Have you told him you need more support - spell it out and itemise what you expect him to do (make dinner, put DC to bed etc). That if he wants a good relationship with his DC he needs to interact with him - not sit on his laptop. Pull him up on the tea - if he makes one for himself - say make me one too when you hear the kettle going on. Stand up for yourself and hold your ground. He won't change unless you call him out on his behaviour.

If you are sure you are going to leave then start trying to emotionally detach. Concentrate your energies on yourself and DC. Cosset yourself. Make a list of things you like to do and eat and do that - be "selfish". The boxset is a good idea - line some up. Watch them with headphones on or in a seperate room so you can immerse yourself.

You call him P; I guess you are not married to this man. This man is also completely indifferent, dare I say abusive, to you and to his child let alone the as yet unborn twins you are carrying. Such men never change even if you call them out on their behaviour; they simply get more angry.

Your child picks up on all this already; he sees that you and his dad are unhappy together. Do not continue to do your bit here to show him that this could be his norm too.

You are planning to leave going forward and that is good but you do need to get away from him as soon as you are able to do so. You're basically his cook, cleaner and bottlewasher and it would not surprise me either if he started to exert financial control now too given the financial disparity. Coping mechanisms will not cut it in the short term either. Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 as well can and will help you here and it is worth contacting them.

When are your twins due?. I would seriously consider giving your twins your surname as well going forward rather than his.

Honestly op I can't help but think you would be better off without him ASAP. Check out financial support, benefits & discounts that you would be entitled to as a lone parent with 3 dc; consider whether he might be forced to step up as a parent to dc1 and have some time alone (giving you time just with babies); with him gone would your mum consider moving in for the first few weeks/months after twins arrive; do you have finances/space for a mothers help or au pair (not as sole charge for children but extra pair of hands/helper for dc1). You'll certainly be happier

Kikashi Believe me I've said it, shouted it, again and again, did everything except write down what needs to change/be done, but nothing works. I did ignore some bad behaviour at the start but not any more, I call him out everytime but I hate that it's turning me into such a nag.
I think cosseting myself away in the evening might help, at least then I won't be disappointed about the lack of adult interaction.

Atilla I'm so worrried my DS is picking up on the unhappiness when we're together it's a major reason I need to go. Twins are due in 2 months, and they will have my name.

Thisgirlrides While I'm on maternity I won't be able to afford living alone, and to be fair P does help with DS, he just needs to be told which is annoying but I'll put up with it while geting used to twins. Mum will help loads, which is a lifesaver.

I think detaching as much as possible, lower my expectations, doing my own thing (when not juggling 3kids!) is the best option, hopefully it will help me turn down the anger until I can finalise plans.

Thanks all!

You seem clear on what needs to be done - good luck. Very hard dealing with this when pregnant with twins as well. You sound really strong and together.