Feel like I can’t cope with life

[jesuislepp]

Not sure if this is the right place but îm just looking for some support.

I am on mat leave at the moment, have two kids; a baby and and 4 year old. 4 year old is at preschool for 12 hours a week. Husband out of the house from 8-8 and then works a bit more from home.

I feel absolutely shattered and a terrible mum. My 4 year old is constantly attention seeking so I am forever telling her off. This can go a bit far and I end up really shouting some days. Baby is forever being put down on a playmat or bouncy chair while I sort something at home or with dd.

We do try to get out every day but these last 2 weeks have been tough as everyone has been ill and now the weather is so cold. But the outings are often a mission and end up with me feeling completely stressed out.

Baby wakes up every 30 minutes (naps and at night) so dd and I never seem to get anytime together or do I ever seem to get any time for myself.

Dd used to be in nursery for 4 days a week and she loved it. I feel so guilty that she is now at home for most of the time and not having a great time. There are tears every day and i can’t seem to manage a day without shouting.

I feel like I’m failing my kids. I so wanted to stay at home with them but I’m useless at it. Can’t see me being any less stressed when back at work but at least my kids will have a break from me. I cant talk to my DH about it and he just rolls his eyes (he thinks staying at home with the kids is fun and not at all stressful compared with his job).

I've been a sahm for nearly 15 years and it's the most difficult job.

I used to run an intensive care unit full of really sick people and manage staff BUT I COULD NOT COPE WITH A BABY AND TODDLER!! I couldn't make theme happy. I yelled all the time and ignored my husband.

My DS 1&2 were born 18 months apart. No one could speak for 3 years. I would cry and beg them to tell me what wrong!!!

Move forward 13 years and I have 2 amazing sons who are really bright and really sporty and sooooo happy. One is at Harrow school and the other goes there in September.

I have survived and they have achieved.

Not a day goes by when I don't feel a failure, think I'm crap and wonder how I can get through the next 24 hrs.

but we all do. And I must be doing ok cos my boys are amazing. That must be something to do with me?!?!

Motherhood is tough, ask for help, send DD to nursery for longer if it helps, ask your /DHs parents to help. Get a childminder for 3 hrs a week or a cleaner.

These years are so precious and they will be gone in a flash. Kids won't remember most of them so just get through, so what you need to to get through. And finally tell DH you are ill next time he is at home for the day and he will appreciate you within a couple of hours. He needs to walk in your shoes

Lots of love.

Come on MN you can offer better advice than me!!

I think we all feel like this at points. I’ve got three kids who are 9,8 and 4. My younger two are autistic and I can’t be hugely shouty. My kids have too much screen time and sometimes they have toast for tea. Some days I feel like I’m pulling my hair out especially with my youngest who is non verbal. It will get easier. And I think mums need to talk about it more. Sometimes it’s boring and crap and hard. But it will get better.

That should read *can be shouty sometimes

Thanks for your replies. I actually have teared my hair out in desperation so I glad to hear I’m not alone.

Don’t really want to up dd’s play school and live far from family so they can’t really help. But I will definitely be handing both dc to pil during their next visit and going straight out to the bar. Fingers crossed that it will get easier but I am just feeling like I’m letting everyone down atm.

all I can tell you is it's not easy and you do what you can.

I used to have a high powered job working on the markets in London. Earnt lots, worked long hours 6am until midnight some days, super stressful...that was EASIER than being a SAHM. No competition. I sometimes dream about that life. It was so easy compared to babies/toddlers. Being a SAHM is relentless. At least in my job I could go get a nice hot coffee and have a chat with adults. Get a long hot holiday somewhere nice. Only myself to think about and look after. Don’t be too hard on yourself

No real advice, just glad I'm not the only one. DD1 is 20 months old and DD2 is 6 months old.
DH works 12 hour shifts.
I have never felt so useless or so lonely. It's relentless.
Then there's this overwhelming guilt because I had three miscarriages before my DDs so I should be grateful shouldn't I?
I love them so much but I'm really not cut out to be a SAHM and I'm a police officer who's been punched, kicked, bitten, spat at .... but it will get better

Sorry to hear about your miscarriages snoopy.

It is lonely and non stop. DH told ne tonight I’m not managing and i should put our baby into nursery. True we’d had a bad day as he’s sick. I wish my DH was supportive but he thinks I’m a big failure too.

So leta get this in perspecrive.
You have a new born and all the unstable hormones floating round your body that come with it.
You havent had a solid nights sleep in how long....(before motherhood that is classed as 7 hours plus )
A toddler whose routine has been shaken up and who now has to share your attention with a small boring screaming machine (what the toddler might see their dear sibling as)
A dh as your only support, who is never there but expects you to suddenly morph into a childminder housekeeper chef and be his evening entertainment as well.. all with a smile on your face while he repays you with criticism rather than encouragement.
You are not a failure you are dealing with a large amount of stress and dealing with it well.
You are dealing with it well because you havent given up, you love your kids and are doing your best. Doing your best means you have not failed. Doing your best means you havent succumed to the urge to suffocate your husband when he sleeps for failing to support you. Remind him of this and how lucky he is that he woke up in the morning free to see another day....😊

I’ve worked in war zones and I’d rather do that than be a sahm with a toddler (which I am at the moment).

I found being bombed less stressful than motherhood

This is why I went back to work pt when both mine were a few months old and used nursery. It was the only break we ever got (no family help) and the very best thing I ever did. It may have cost me my salary equivalent for two years but in the long term, and always think long term as a woman, it preserved my skills, my sanity and my pension and I enjoyed my DC much more.

Well he’s 7 months so I don’t really have the newborn excuse.
Wow refuse that puts things into perspective!

However I’m afraid to say I’ve just lost it. No sleep due to ds being poorly. Dd got in his bedside crib and I asked her to get out. She refused so I hauled her out and she bit me. I was so mad I hit my leg and screamed. Both kids started howling and then me too.
Dd ran off to her room and started crying ‘nobody likes me’. Cue me howling even more. What am i doing to her?

I so wanted to stay at home with them. I still do but I just think I’m rubbish at it. My DH is never around in the week so I don’t know how I’ll cope with work too, but maybe it is the better option.

You aren't the problem OP, your DH is. His lack of support is having a knock on effect and you and your kids are suffering. I can relate to the indifference your DH shows you. I'd shine a light on his selfish behaviour. Sure you need the money but at this rate you won't have an intact family unit. He needs to get off his bloody arse and help you!

See what everyone is saying OP? It's damn hard bringing up humans and your DH is so fricking casual rolling his eyes which shows he ain't got a clue how tough it is. Start drawing up a rota, a visual prompt for your DH so he can see what his role entails. Don't put it off because you might already know that he'll show resistance, assign him jobs so he can take responsibility. Sometimes though, we already know they won't play the game and we're in denial about their lack of commitment and we deflect and blame ourselves because it's hard work getting a manchild to pull his weight. I hope this isn't you OP?

Sounds like your 4 year old misses being the baby and digured the quickest way to get there would be to climb in the cot.

You are being way to hard on yourself. If you dont give yourself a pass grade it will only get worse.
For today why not count up the things that you did well all the little rhings and then at the end of the day go through them and dare yourself to call the person who achieved all these things a failure.
There is a really great blog called finding joy written by a mum that might help
Failing that mummys gin fund ( or somehing like that) is always a good funny book and blog to put things in perspective.

Could you have PND?

Also, your DH is a git.

Thanks everyone.

I don’t think I have PND. I think i am just completely exhausted and stressed out.

In dh’s defence, he works all the time. Last night he got in at 8:15, was on a call until 9:30 then had dinner and then worked 10 until midnight. I think we are both stretched to our limits so it’s hard for him to have any empathy for me. He still should realise that my job isn’t easy though.

Those sort of hours are crazy - is he a workaholic or is it necessity? How can he sustain that in the long term?

"Well he’s 7 months so I don’t really have the newborn excuse.
Wow refuse that puts things into perspective!

However I’m afraid to say I’ve just lost it. No sleep due to ds being poorly. Dd got in his bedside crib and I asked her to get out. She refused so I hauled her out and she bit me. I was so mad I hit my leg and screamed. Both kids started howling and then me too.
Dd ran off to her room and started crying ‘nobody likes me’. Cue me howling even more. What am i doing to her?"

Be kind to yourself OP, you did nothing wrong. Christ if someone bit me at the best of times I'd react instinctively and probably shout/scream, let alone if I was already stressed and exhausted and someone was purposefully trying to make things more difficult by refusing to follow instructions like that! I know she's four but that doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with. Perhaps it's not a bad thing for her to see there are consequences to biting somebody. You're a mum, yes, but a person first and foremost. You don't have to take physical abuse like being bitten calmly with a smile on your face. You're not a robot. You matter too!