Confusing feelings at start of divorce

[Helpnow1]

Briefly, I have told my H that I can't live with his verbal controlling behaviour and nastiness, and we have discussed divorce in some detail. My initial feelings were mostly relief that finally things were in the open after a very long time of agonising over what to do.

Yesterday afternoon, though, I kept on crying (not me usually!) and thinking of all the good things about H.

Is this to be expected even though it's my decision?

Yes it's part of the grief process.

www.yourtango.com/experts/robin-hills/twelve-stages-grief-when-your-marriage-finally-ends

Thank you very much for responding. I will look at the link now x

I'm glad to hear you felt some relief after getting things out on the open @Helpnow1 I'm currently trying to pluck up the courage to have the same conversation!

Miserableinmarriage I have been tearing myself apart for a year after an incident that for me was a deal-breaker, but I was so unsure that it would be the best thing for us to split up. My feelings got stronger over that time so I started finding out as many facts as I could to settle my fears about the financial side and most of all my DS(15). (DD is at uni so less concerning.)

In the end I began feeling that actually the relationship DS was seeing is so rubbish that it was no longer good for him either!

Miserableinmarriage how do you feel if you think about the rest of your life with your H?

BackInTheRoom the link is very helpful and I think I will be checking every now and then as I am expecting to feel on an emotional rollercoaster. I think my feelings of guilt and sadness about what I am doing to H will take some getting over, even if I feel better for myself.

Yes absolutely normal to have a wobble every now and again. If it were an easy decision you would have made it long ago, but relationships aren’t black and white. Even the worst husband generally has some redeeming features and it’s natural to dwell on them once the realisation hits you that it’s really over. Be kind to yourself, try and concentrate on the road ahead not looking back at the good times or the bad. You know you made the right decision for you and DS

Very much so!! I spent a year depressed not knowing what's right before coming out saying I wanted to separate....it's taken time but almost there and I'm in a much better place. I still get upset every now and then. It is totally a grieving process. No one goes into marriage thinking it will end this way. You build a way of life...it's scary when it ends and you've no idea what's the other side

MyRelationshipIsWeird thank you so much for your kindness x

TracyL74 that's it exactly. Can I ask how long your divorce process took? How long is it since you said you wanted to separate?

I have been doing the same and although the first year or so would be a struggle I would be able to manage.

The thought of going on the way I have been with H for the rest of my life just makes me feel empty.....I guess that says it all really. Yet I still can't seem to find the courage to tell him it's over.

I know your emotions will be all over the place for the next while but I hope your start to see light at the end of the tunnel soon and that the good days start to outweigh the bad xx

Thank you very much Miserableinmarriage. It's such a big step to take that you can't do it if you haven't got to the stage of feeling you just don't want to have the horribleness any more. I hope you are able to feel more certain soon! I also found it really hard that everyone saw us as a normal married couple. It's very lonely being lonely inside a marriage. I am very lucky that I have a couple of friends who have been wonderful. Do you have anyone to talk to?