Getting over the 'other woman' jealousy

[PeoniesGinandBags]

Please can someone help. I've always struggling with low self esteem and at times, I've had help from my GP with agoraphobia and depression/anxiety which seems to 'come and go'. I can't remember a time when I've not felt shit really.

Anyway two years ago I found out that my husband was cheating on me. I used his phone to take a picture and a message amp up from someone saying 'miss you'. I thought I was going to die, literally.

I went to the bathroom (we were at a friends house) and read through a series of messages. I could see that the affair had been going on for about 3 months and that whilst they had met up once (they'd originally met on some kind of work course), they'd not yet had sex. I say 'yet' because I could see hat they were planning to meet up the next day and were also planning a hotel stay the next month.

I confronted my husband, creamed, shouted, cried etc etc. To be blunt I knew I didn't want us to split up and we agreed to work at it.

He called the woman the next day and broke it off. She was apparently really upset by it all and then I, still in a rage, let rip at my husband, her (I'd got her number off his phone) and then called her husband (a bit of online detective work) to let him know what had been happening.

Since then my husband has talked to me as much/little as I need to about it and really couldn't do more, except it's not helping. Not only to I feel massively betrayed but I'm OBSESSING about this other woman. That she's more attractive, has a better social life (I make myself feel crap by looking at her facebook profile - I know...) and that if I hadn't, completely accidentally, found out what was happening, she could be with my husband now.

I never suspected a thing. Not at all.

Ah see you haven't read any literature on cheating yet no?

Does he still see her through work? That would be the hardest thing I think if they are still in contact in any way. Secondly stop checking her Facebook, block her or do something to prevent you stalking her and making yourself feel bad. Delete Facebook if necessary (it’s hard to do but quite liberating - I’ve taken a month off before and got so much done!!) Don’t beat yourself up about her being more attractive or better in any way. Your h didn’t choose her because she was in any way better than you, she was shiny and new, unfamiliar and therefore interesting - it doesn’t matter who she is, what matters is that he chose to message and plan a physical affair with someone who wasn’t you.

It may be that you never get past that and the relationship can’t ever work (I know I could never have forgiven even the messages or a kiss, let alone a full blown affair, but some people do). Or maybe you can move on, but not while she is still taking up headspace. Have you had any counselling, on your own or as a couple?

I see the Shirley Glass book recommended on here a lot, ‘not just friends’ or something? Have a look for it and see if you think it might help.

I'm afraid it's something that some people (rightly so imo) will never be able to get over.

You keep reliving it. You look at her profile which you need to stop. But the trust in the marriage seems entirely broken and destroyed.

There's only so many times you can keep coming back to this. None of this sounds healthy. Even if your H has been on his 'best behaviour'. It's been already 2 years, where do you see yourself after say another 2 years?

You sound emotionally destroyed (understandably so), have you sought personal counselling?

The affair wasn't about you OP, affairs are about the cheater. They are usually ineffective communicators, preferring to gunnysack their grievances or don't express how serious the issues are to them. The AP is usually 'less than' the Betrayed partner and younger because the wandering spouse needs to feel wanted and admired. It's a hole they need to fill in order to feel whole. They'd rather seek out a new love interest than work on their marriage. Seriously, you ain't got nothing to worry about yourself, he on the other hand needs to work on his 'lack' his need to look outside the marriage.

OP, your self esteem needs be independent of you DP. Don't look for him to validate you. You need to do work on yourself, build up your confidence. Go see a councellor, sign up for a challenge and get strong! I really do think If you push yourself to do something scary, you'll be like 'OMG Fuck that shit' and you'll feel less afraid. Does this make sense? Conversely I could be talking shit so feel free to ignore my ramblings!

I'm so sorry OP.. I hope you find peace one way or another .. these pages are incredibly good at providing advise etc..

Two years is a long time to still be obsessing over her.

My ex left me for a former beauty queen who takes regular holidays and has a beautiful home.

I think it took me a year to realise I had to stop Facebook stalking and giving her any of my head space. It was just hurting me. Once I cut the habit I felt better and that was an incentive not to look.

I figure there are millions of people better looking than me and with better social lives etc, it's just a fact of life. What's important is that I find happiness in my own life.

As you are still together I think couples counseling could help you get over this issue x

Understandably it still hurts but maybe the discovery was a bizarre opportunity to feed the anxiety/ depression and the ‘legitimisation’, has given you permission to go down the rabbit hole.

I’m not dismissing or delegitimising your hurt but you can not undo his infidelity, the only way forward is to accept that it happened and make peace with it. How? By accepting who you are and your needs. You might not be able to get past it or you may need outside support but life is too damn short for beating yourself up over an event that you didn’t create and that you can’t change.

Given that your MH was not at is best pre discovery, it’s no surprise it isn’t any better post. It’s time to be kind to yourself and really work on your MH and hopefully you’ll get some clarity over your feeling about your H’s behaviour in the process.

In my experience, you never will. Best to leave now.

It took me years to get over the ow after finding out my dh had cheated on me with her. I ended up divorcing him after 3 years as I simply couldn’t get over it. it was only after we split that I started to get over it. It took me a long time to realise that even if I’d been better looking, slimmer, spent more money on him, given him more sec he’d still a have done it. Because it was nothing to do with me, it was all about him. And I realised he did it because he was a cunt and nothing more

As pp have said, the affair was nothing to do with your shortcomings or how fantastic the other woman was.

It was the thrill and excitement of a new and illicit relationship. It was a woman hanging on his every word instead of asking him to take the bins out.

The only difference between you and her is that she's happy to fuck married men.

I'm glad he chose you when push came to shove, but it seems that he irreparably broke your relationship. Certainly the thought of him lying, cheating and betraying you must diminish him significantly in your eyes. In short, he's not the man you thought he was is he? You no longer feel lucky, or like you got one of the good guys. IMO you've given it a good go and it is time to call it a day.

Ah see you haven't read any literature on cheating yet no?

1st reply is unnecessary and cruel.

I understand peonies x