Advice on going NC with parents

[arethereanymoonshops]

Hello
I have name changed for this post as it's feels really private (and shameful)

Can anyone please advise on how they have coped with going no contact with family? Please don't respond to tell me I shouldn't, it's the only thing I can do to stay sane so if anyone has done it and managed to stay well and get on with their life, any advice would be great..just to know I'm not on my own with it.

I can't talk to anyone about this in real life. DH knows but I don't want it to be all we talk about or for him to worry about me. We have a lot going on with our own DC which we manage well and I want us to keep our energy for our DC and ourselves if that makes any sense?

There are so many layers and secrets that it would be hard to explain to any friends and I would feel so exposed. I'm not sure what I want from this post but just feeling so alone with it.

Thanks for reading

You’re not alone, many people have no contact with family for many different reasons.
Have a look at the Stately homes thread, it may help you.
I’m very low contact with my Mother and first of all it was really strange, she was still in my head ifyswim and I worked hard on changing my thoughts and managed it in the end.
Best of luck

It isn’t easy, and I grieve for real parents every day. People don’t understand, even some of my siblings, but it is what is right for me. Expect to attempt reconciliation and to come back to square one at least once. For me, it is hard and heartbreaking but absolutely the best thing for my happiness, my mental health, and my own children.

I'm trying to do the same.

Thank you all so much for replying. I am sorry you are in similar shit situations!

I actually was low contact (couldn't bring myself to go NC in case my DM hurt herself..realistic risk) but she then decided she wanted NC with me four months ago..it was hard initially but I did the change thoughts and worked really hard to get on with my life.

She attempted the reconciliation though. She started to send messages, pleasant and saying she loved us signing off and then called.

I initially ignored her calls but today answered. She initially just chatted like nothing had happened but I told her I couldn't do this again and she needed to apologise for her behaviour or I would have to go NC for my own and my DC sake. She then proceeded to tell me what a horrible abusive person I am.

I eventually hung up but now feel like I am back at square one..and am terrified she will hurt herself..so sorry to ramble.. genuinely nowhere else I could share this. Thank you all again.

She obviously didn’t hurt herself when SHE decided to go NC so if she does hurt herself now it will be to try and bring you to heel. Sorry to use a dog analogy but that’s what she is trying to achieve.
It is not your fault
You can’t change her behaviour
She is responsible for her actions NOT you
Keep working on the changing thoughts

I went nc with my parents when I was pregnant with dd1. They both died within 5 years, and I felt nothing but relief. I wish I'd had the courage to do it sooner.
You are grown up now, and your priorities should be yourself, your own children and partner. You owe your parents nothing, and you really shouldn't be playing their mind games and falling for their guilt trips and possible threats of self harm. Only people with abusive parents understand what you're dealing with - ignore any well meaning happy souls who blithely suggest reconciliation or family therapy etc. You can never change your mother, you can only change how you handle her. It took me ages to realise that mine was a manipulative critical narcissist, and that I wasn't the useless crappy person she made me out to be!
Keep your chin up, keep being positive about yourself, and remember that you are not doomed to play out her script for the rest of your life.
Sending you some strength, and every good wish for breaking free from her.

Preston I think the heel analogy is exactly right and our relationship was fine until I stopped putting everyone else first, particularly her.

Babdoc sounds like it took tremendous courage to go NC whilst pregnant, can't imagine how hard that would have been.

I understand what you mean about relief. I have found myself thinking about 20 years time when I can spend time in my home town without fear of bumping into one of my parents.

I think people see me a selfish now that I have DC in that I am leaving my parents to their own problems and getting on with things but I see it as putting my own wellbeing first so I can be a good mum.

Thank you all again, you all really helped at a very low ebb yesterday. Am going to join in the stately home thread as suggested.

bigbarnowl sorry to hear you are in the same position. Wishing you best of luck with it too.

How old are you dc, op?

I've been NC with my dad for 30 years and with my mum for 3. (they're not together since before I cut my dad out.)

Cutting my mum out was a hard decision to make and ultimately it was triggered by her shitty treatment of my son rather than her treatment of me, but since going NC, I have achieved a lot more clarity on just how badly she treated me, especially when I was a child.

My life is much calmer and I no longer spend energy thinking about "must not tell mum about this" or "must remember to ask sis not to tell mum about son's illness as she will sneer about it".

I am sad sometimes for my son as he has no grandparents at all on either side, but better no grandparents than crap abusive one.

notthefordtype. "better no grandparents than crap abusive ones"..that's exactly it!

I keep letting my mum in to my life because I think it's right for my DC to have family and that she loves DC and it's mean of me to deprive them of that but actually she only loves the idea of them and if I let her stay in their life, they will eventually disappoint her or fail to make her happy just like I did and I can't have them feel responsible for other people's emotions like I did as a child.

Am sorry to hear your mother treated your DS badly and really glad to hear life is calmer for you now.

Sparrowrain there is just one DC and they are pretty young with additional needs. Am being deliberately vague as am nervous my posts are quite identifying

OP, I went nc with my father when I was around eleven or twelve years old, so not quite in the same circumstances as you. I saw him briefly (less than an hour) in 2016 when I went to hold my brother's hand after we found out he had a terminal illness. It reinforced to me that I'd made the right decision and I had no more contact before his death last year.
I don't think that anybody can tell you whether or not it's the right thing to do, but I can give you a couple of bits of advice if you'd like?

Firstly, do not listen to anyone who tells you that you mustn't go nc because you only have one mother, or that you'll regret it if something happens and you aren't talking. These people are likely to be basing their experiences on having normal, loving, non abusive parents and have no idea what it's like to have a parent like yours.

If you're going to do it, then you have to do it properly. Change telephone numbers, block access completely, etc. Low contact or irregular contact is only dragging things out.

Absolutely do not respond to emotional blackmail. She is not going to hurt herself. And even if she did, it would not be your fault.

If you're not sure whether something is right or not, speak to people on the stately homes thread who will really understand what you're going through. 💐

I've had a difficult relationship with my dad my whole life and and after recently doing absolutely tons of stuff for him while he treated me like total shit, I started trying to set boundaries (telling him that screaming that he was going to kill himself over something trivial in earshot of my 11 year old was unacceptable), he has told us that he wants to be NC with all of us.

I've currently blocked his number as he has sent so many vile messages in the last few and I'm not convinced he won't carry on. However I just swing from pure relief at the peace and quiet to intense anger to deep sadness and guilt. Finding it hard to make sense of my feelings at the moment, maybe you feel the same?

I am lucky in that there are lots of family members who are already NC with my dad (their choice) so I have a lot of moral support that we are better off without him - do you have anyone around you who knows what your mum is like?

OP, you commented that I must have had “tremendous courage” to go nc while pregnant. Not really, no! I didn’t want my child to be dragged round by its hair and horsewhipped, or pulled down a staircase by one leg, or shouted at for coughing in the night with a chest infection, or told on a daily basis that it was “hopeless, helpless and useless”, as happened to me and my sister.
And it was my dearly loved and much missed husband, (who died when dd1 was 2 years old and dd 2 was 11 months), who stood up to my parents, shouted in their faces and drove them out of our house, which was a huge “Damascus road” moment for me - I finally realised that THEY were the problem, not me! I wasn’t the useless disappointing failure they always claimed, I was a happily married hospital doctor, and they were toxic abusive shits! I never saw them again, didn’t go to the funerals, and never regretted it for a moment. I felt liberated. I just wish my dh could have lived longer to see his kids grow up. I think he would have been proud of how all 3 of us coped. I only learned how to be a good parent from watching him - or doing the opposite of my own parents!