Should i fix broken relationships with my sister?

[dinosaurbunny]

I’m struggling to decide what to do about my broken relationship with my DS.

We are both in our 30s, live 5 mins from each other (and our parents) I’m married with one DC, she’s pregnant with first DC.

We’ve never really been friends although we’ve never had a big falling out. We’re just not similar people. We don’t ever get together on our own just at family occasions or if we bump in to each other at our parents. I feel over the last 18 months or so things have gotten really bad as I’ve basically given up trying and been really hurt by the way she’d been with me.

When I was pregnant with my DC (who’s now 1) she never once asked me how I was or how the baby was despite some complications and illness during my pregnancy. Once DC was born she came to visit but again didn’t ask how anything went etc. she’s never text me to ask how I am, how the baby is (even when she knows he’s been ill) asked if I wanted to meet up for a cup of tea etc. basically not shown any interest or support when I needed it the most.

Now she’s pregnant and we’ve been in touch a few times to organise her borrowing some baby stuff. But there’s never any ‘hello, how are you’ just ‘when can I pick up xxx’. She made it quite clear early on that she wasn’t going to listen to any of my advice/sharing of my experiences by just cutting me down say ‘everyone’s different’.

She’s really rude and IMO has a massive chip on her shoulder. I just get the impression that she really doesn’t like me and more recently i feel that her and my mum have been talking about me re my son as he’s going through a bit of a clingy phase (which I’m fine with) and it’s their opinion that I should leave him more.

Despite all this I’m torn between just leaving things as they are and getting on with my own life despite the intense awkwardness and huge elephant in the room or discussing this with her to try and mend our relationship. But I really hate confrontation and think would it actually change anything? Or am I just wasting my breath?

So WWYD?

Thanks x

I'd just do your own thing. I have a sister who's like this and it's very frustrating but ultimately I can't get her to have a closer relationship with me. So I've concentrated on having sister like friends. My heart goes out to you.

You could reach out but what good will it do?
You will get knocked back again and you'll feel like crap.
Don't do that to yourself.
Tell her you need all the stuff for you next DC and she can't have it and leave it at that.
She's in it now for what she can get from you.
People like this don't change.
Sorry.

I would have one last attempt at a reconciliation, after all, your children will be cousins. Can you talk to your mum about it? See if you can thrash it out over a coffee. It's hard when it's family, especially when you know people who say their sisters are their best friends, and you're lumbered with one who definitely isn't.

She's using you, isn't she? It's unforgivable that she showed no interest when your child was ill and you were struggling. She's not a good friend to you. She's talking to you now because she wants things from you. Only give her things if you're okay with that - if you know a nicer friend who could do with them, give them to her instead.

We choose our friends but get lumbered with our relatives. I wouldn't waste time trying to create something that is not there; and do not allow yourself to be irritated or offended by anything she does/ordoesn't do.

She is a hypocrite - you aren't worth the effort but she wants your stuff!! Cf! Tell her on second thoughts you are keeping all your baby things after all.

There's the old saying - a spinsters children are easily reared

I think she should wait till she's had dc first before commenting on your parenting skills. If dc is a bit clingy, big deal. He needs you more at the mo and it will pass.,

I have a dsis like this too. Everything I ever did from I was 15 annoyed her. We meet rarely. Are polite for 15 mins before she becomes snipey and gets digs in. I'm happy to leave things as they are. You can't force a friendship regardless of whether you're sisters or not,

Match your effort to her effort.

She'll change her tune when she's got her own clingy toddler.

Where's your gentleman from?

Omg! That was a text I meant to send to my mum! So sorry!!

My mum's sister is like this too and they are just civil to each other when they see each other but other than that don't really talk and whilst I know it annoys my mum she is happier this way than when they were in frequent contact.

I have a brother who is four years older than I am. When we were boys I won a scholarship to a fee-paying school and this led to jealousy from him. That jealousy festered and when my marriage failed he encouraged my then wife to throw all my belongings out of the house and change the locks. He sided with my controlling wife in order to get back at me.

He behaved like a total arse to my elderly mother when our father died, and has been no different during my recently deceased mother's final illness.

I have made peace on every occasion, but will no longer do so. I realise that being a sibling is no more than an accidental sharing of DNA and a surname. I have nothing in common with him. I have reached the conclusion that I shall be civil to him at Mum's funeral and then never see, or talk to him, ever again.

I have friends and cannot see my brother and I ever having any sort of relationship. It sounds to me as though you are moving towards the same realisation. Do not feel guilty about it; you owe your sister nothing. It is wonderful if there is some bond between siblings, but it doesn't exist just because you share parents; it needs work, and it sounds as though your sister isn't prepared to do it.

Move on to a position that enables you to make the most of other relationships in your life and leave any undeserved guilt where it belongs.

What would you discuss? Childraising techniques, or the fact that it's none of her business whatever technique you choose? The latter is the more relevant point, but if she hasn't been openly critical then she can just say that she is minding her own business. Arguments along the lines of "Well, you look like you are thinking something critical" are doomed to failure. And arguments about which technique is better are pointless, as proven by the fact that we humans can't decide on which is best after hundreds of thousands of years of trying them out.

What can you do though? You can’t develop a relationship if only one person wants to put effort in.
Do you think she would want to have a better relationship with you? It doesn’t sound like it from your post.
How is your relationship with your mum? And your sister’s with your mum? It sounded like they’re quite close? Do they often talk about you?

Just leave her to it. Sounds like she's not interested in you or your life and that's her prerogative.

It's possible she might soften when she has a child of her own. But then again she might not. I wouldn't force the issue. Be polite and civil and if she wants to you'll have plenty to bond over once the baby is here.
Try not to offer advice though. She probably perceives you to be too know it all, even if you're not. There are probably a lot of childhood resentments at play which hopefully she'll grow out of.

Thank you so much for all your responses. Its comforting to know that I'm not the only one who doesn't have a close relationship with their sibling. It just makes me sad as I wish it were different and we had a closer relationship but I guess I just need to accept it for what it is. It's just hard when I still have to see her and be around her. We're both close to my mum but information /news tend to go through my mum rather than directly to each other. Like some pp have suggested think I just need to focus on my friends. Maybe she'll change when the baby comes!

What’s the point? You don’t have to like your siblings.