In a relationship with a widower-help

[CrAzYmUmOf2]

So to cut a long story short (she says) but I’ve known this man for 20 years as we used to work together. Back then we had strong feelings towards each other but he was 10 years older and also he was married with 2 kids and me well I was on the verge of getting married. I eventually said I couldn’t do this and I walked away. (We didn’t have any sexual relationship back then).
I felt so guilty over the years and we eventually got back in touch but just as friends. He had had a lot going on in his life and his wife had breast cancer on and off for many years.
While all that’s going on I’m stuck in a marriage where my now ex husband is a cheat over and over. Many times I tried to leave but was to scared to be alone.
So back to now, this mans wife well she sadly died nearly 2 years ago now.
And after she died I was there for this man via texts.
I’d be his shoulder and thought nothing but friendship. We chatted every day and we made each other laugh.
I told him my woes about my hubby and I helped him with any problems he had.
I finally left my hubby that year and moved out with my kids.
It was soon after this things started taking a change with this other guy.
We talked about our feelings. He said he had always had feelings for me.
We started a relationship and man it was hard. We have had our ups and downs. Because of his guilt and then having to tell his older sons (19 and 22).
But right now I’m just finding it so hard as I feel like I’m still a secret and he is scared to tell anyone else or if he gets asked he says no.
I kind of understand and then just feel all
Sad. I’m trying so hard to not sound selfish.
But now he’s getting a tattoo with her initials on and I have tried to hard to help him choose a design. But it ripped my heart out. I am finding it so hard. I see all his photos of her. He only tells me he loves me when he is drunk.
He says he will never marry again. The pictures In his house will always be there.
And I know this is now and maybe things will change but it hurts.
He says we are a couple but I just feel on the out side all the time.
Please don’t think I’m selfish, it’s so hard. As I am trying so hard.
My mum is dating now after my dad died and I’m happy for her. There’s still a few photos of my dad in the house but also of her and her new fella.

I just wondered if anyone has been on both sides of this situation and how you have coped?

Wasn’t really a long story cut short!
Sorry!

It sounds to me as if he is still grieving his ex wife. You are simply a comfort but not really being seen or considered. You should probably back off for a while and let him be. He needs to find his own way through this. Is he having bereavement counselling? If he then comes back to you in due course then you can try again but right now, you’re just an emotional crutch and not a proper partner.

I'm in your position. You don't just stop loving someone because they've died. I can't imagine what it's like to watch someone you love die like that.

I've met my bf different circle of friends, colleagues and there are photos of us on fb. I've not met his DC's and tbh I can't imagine what it would be like for them and if I'm honestly I'm a bit anxious about it. I strongly feel it has to be the right time for his family (although they do know there's someone but haven't asked any details)

I think it's early days if it's not even two years yet. It had been 4 years when we met and that was nearly a year ago. I'm glad my bf had a good marriage and we have talked (and cried) about her often. My relationship with him is different to his marriage and always will be. We'll never have children together and we are in a different place in our lives, where our DC's are adults and starting to fly the nest. She will always be his DW and an important part of his life and if you want to be with him she'll always be part of yours. I am happy with that but are you?

I am so fully supportive of him and we talk and we cry and I've had the conversation about me backing off and he said I don't want that.
It's just hard sometimes that's all. I just wanted to know if there was anyone else out there who sometimes struggles.
Because I'm not been selfish as I give him the support he needs.
It's just hard.

The thing is though OP, grief is selfish. I speak from experience. Your life can’t and shouldn’t be all about him and his needs and his grief. Is he supportive to you or is it all about what he wants and needs? A relationship is a two way street and only you know if you’re getting what you need out of this. Of course he doesn’t want you to back off because you are his emotional comfort but that really shouldn’t be his call to make. You’re handing him all the power in this relationship. You need to decide if you need to back off. Not him decide. You’re a person with needs to and you get to have things you want and need.

We're in it for the long haul but haven't spoke of marriage because it's not quite a year yet so too early. He has a photo of his late DW as his screen saver on his phone (and photos around his home) and even if we did marry I wouldn't want him to remove it. I'm here, he can speak to me, message me, kiss me and hold me anytime he wants but he can never do it with her, so I have absolutely no problem with him keeping it on there forever if he wants.

He is one of the most kindest nicest men I have ever met. He has also been a rock for me during turbulent times. And unlike my ex I can actually talk to him. We openly talk about his wife and he sent me a lovely poem once all about how you could love another and the other person is still in your heart.

And I would never expect him to remove photos but sometimes it's just so so many photos.

On the up side he did let me help him
Re decorate his bedroom and choose the wall paper etc.

I don't know it's just hard sometimes x