Stepmum told me my Dad hit her...

[mumofthe21stcentury]

Not sure whether I've selected the right category on here. First time asking for advice about this kind of stuff.

I am a 30 year old mum to a wonderful boy, and happily married.

My stepmum messaged me today saying that my dad had a tantrum and been throwing stuff in the house, breaking plates, screaming at her and hit her. I was speechless when I saw that message.

Background

My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. My mum left and my dad brought me up and then I went to boarding school early teen. My dad is not a nasty man but not the easiest man to live with. He's on track minded, adverse to change and doesn't have any hobbies. I would not be married to him. How he got two women to marry him I don't know.

My stepmum is about 15 years younger than my dad. She's quite different to my mum as she's rough and not elegant. I believe that she married my dad for his money.

My dad did well when he was younger but since meeting my stepmum his wealth decreased and now he doesn't have half of what he used to. He's retired so now he's living off my stepmum. I know for a couple of years things have not been well between my dad and stepmum. She's always asking for money and asking me for money sometimes.

Although she's a b**ch, she's never made such allegation. I'm so conflicted.

On the one hand I want to say that (a) it's not true. But I think it is likely to be true. If it's true, my stepmum must have done something to upset my dad. This line of thinking contradicts my belief that no reason can justify physical violence.

I want to believe that my stepmum is messaging me to ask for money or to upset me. In fact is she just asking for help to get out of an abusive relationship?

I also have a half brother living with them who's only 9 years old. I would hate that if he had witnessed the alleged violence. I had my fair bit of childhood trauma and I know what it can do to a child.

I'm a bit confused. If I see the facts I would say that the man is a dick. But he's my dad, I don't know how to feel.

Should I confront him? Or trust him that he wouldn't do that?

The other half of me worries that if I said something to him and he finds out that stepmum told me he's even going to hurt my stepmum...

I don't know.

Help please!

X

If I see the facts I would say that the man is a dick. But he's my dad, I don't know how to feel.

Should I confront him? Or trust him that he wouldn't do that?

To anyone else, it would seem that your 'not very easy to live with' dad has assaulted his wife. I understand why you don't want to believe that, none of us would, but what reason would she have to make it up? Does she have form for lying about things to manipulate situations, or are you just worried because she's not as elegant as your mum that she's brought it on herself by somehow goading him into hitting her?

I'm not sure what you're asking but I would go back to her rather than your dad, maybe ask to meet up with her and find out a bit more about it. But you may have to accept that someone you love has joined the depressing statistics of violent aggressive men, which are far more common than the ranks of lying manipulative women who pretend to have been assaulted. I'm sorry

btw there is literally nothing someone can do to provoke another person into violence unless in self-defence. Nobody can ever really know what happened except the two of them, but be wary of any explanation which supports your idea that she must have done something to upset him. Being upset and then throwing, breaking and hitting things/people are two very different things.

Myrelationshipisweird thank you for your comments. You're totally right. She is not the lying type. You're also right that there are more agressive men than manipulative women.

I need to accept it.

You can accept her claims or not, but the fact is you didn't witness anything, you are not involved in their marriage, and you can't help her. If she is being abused, she needs to report this to the police and other agencies which CAN help her. Tell her this.

Am I the only one who smiled when I read she married him for his money but ended up supporting him?

I don't think she lied about the violence, OP. If it's completely out of character he should see a doctor. What does his wife plan to do now?

I do not agree with the I believe her posts, if she married for money she is capable of lying to you. There are false allegations of DV like there false allegations of all crimes. As aquamarine says you can’t help her.

Could you ask her what exactly she wants from you? Does she want to know how she can escape or just someone to talk to? She may very well have become isolated and have nobody else to turn to. She may need your validation (if she has nobody else) that she is right to feel he cannot lay a hand on her. Abusive men are very manipulative and can make abused women feel like they deserved it and THEY are the unreasonable one to question this or to seek escape from it, even though there is a small part of them that, that niggly feeling, that tells them it isn't right.

You can't help her yourself, but you can point her in the right direction of help and validate her feelings that it is never ok to hit your spouse.

I think it would be wrong to ignore it.

Stop giving her money for starters and tell her she has options.

-She can report it
-She can divorce your dad
-She can do nothing

It's her call. Don't get involved with your dad and a step.

She's not your mum.

I'm extremely grateful for all of your advice!

I've taken notes that I can't help her directly. I will give her options. Don't get involved.