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Relationships

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Original poster

Dumped because I don't have children

57 replies

Bixg · 28/02/2018 22:12

... or possibly for being a sad old spinster well, not quite but a serious WTF scenario.
I joined bumble a few weeks ago and after weeding out a few pervs and oddballs have been talking to a nice guy for a few weeks. So tonight we've been chatting and he asked if I had children. I replied "no, and no ex-husbands, how about you?" and looked forward to finding out a bit more about him. No reply so just logged into my account and he's done a runner on me! Is this normal for OLD? I really can't hack this nonsense if it is normal. Sadly I think you'll all tell me it is

OP posts:

BubblingUp · 01/03/2018 01:38

It's the 51 and never married, I bet. I am mid-50s and never married and did OLD for a couple of years and many men told me it was a complete turn off. One said I wouldn't know what it took to be married and would dump him at the first thing wrong he did. Another said there must be something seriously wrong with me having never been married (or in their eyes, no man ever liked me enough, no man found me desirable at all). Another said I just wouldn't know "how" to be married. They would much rather I married and failed versus never marrying at all. I just wasn't meant to be in a relationship, so quit OLD.

TheNaze73 · 01/03/2018 07:17

It sounds like he has his own red flags & you have yours. You weren’t compatible, move on.

Although you don’t know for certain, if you have children, dating someone without them can be hardwork.

joleigh332 · 01/03/2018 07:21

He might have previously dated someone without children and it didn't work out!

I was dating someone (single parent + two children) for a while and it was clear it would never work as he just couldn't understand that ex and I were reasonably to eachother and needed some amount of contact in relation to the DCs, I think someone with their own children may understand more.

joleigh332 · 01/03/2018 07:23

Another said I just wouldn't know "how" to be married.

That is so rude! Especially as they obviously don't know either given they are divorced

SoupDragon · 01/03/2018 07:24

I think its normal and reasonable for people with kids to want to date other people with kids

This is what I would think. Immediately leaping to the conclusion that he is a pervert is seriously weird IMO.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 01/03/2018 07:27

With all due respect it could be for any reason. He may have been talking to a number of people (it's common on old) and just decided that someone else was a better fit.
I have used pof to old in the past and that tells you someone's longest relationship and whether they have kids.
In my late thirties I used to completely bypass anyone who hadn't had a previous longish relationship (bit different to the marriage question I know) as rightly or wrongly I didn't want to date someone who's longest commited relationship at 44 was only 1 year. I also used to delete someone once I knew I wasn't interested in taking it further to make my inbox a bit tidied (off I know).
I also used to avoid men with no children for a number of reasons, none them being because I'm a pervert. I have a child and I just think it's easier for someone to understand what that entails if they have also had them. Another reason being I just found that men who hadn't had any children tended to be a little more selfish, they had had a whole life of just worrying about themselves.
My advice with old would be not too much chatting. Talk, decide if you want to meet and arrange a meeting within a week, no point wasting time endlessly talking if you never meet. It also prevents getting over invested by having long conversations with a stranger who may just be using you for an ego boast.
Basically the rule of thumb is develop a thick skin and dont take anything too seriously until you meet a few times, know there's a spark and have determined you're both on the same page.

ScreamingLevitation · 01/03/2018 07:29

I don't think 'creepy perv' is such a ridiculous conclusion to leap to. Since the advent of CRB/DBS checks, it is much harder for paedophiles to get access to children through, say, volunteering as a Scout leader. So now targeting single mothers is a preferred strategy. Obviously, there are out there some single men without kids of their own who are happy to go out with single mums who are not paedophiles, but the existence of paedos is a fact, not a fairy story, and they are not as rare as we would hope.

Original poster

Bixg · 01/03/2018 07:47

I know I wasn't "dumped', the heading is just my sense of humour! And I didn't have my hopes up for much happening its just the newness to OLD that puzzles me. Believe me I'm moving on. He didn't mention children in his profile and most men my age do. It's probably the never married thing on hindsight, but that's because I'm very wise (tongue in cheek for all you happily married people)

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 01/03/2018 08:11

Oh my days MN is descending into utter lunacy at the minute wherever OLD is mentioned!!

So much projection and judgement. It would be funny if it wasn't so scaremongery and hateful !

Trills · 01/03/2018 08:17

It could be ANYTHING.

I could be many things that are absolutely nothing to do with you.

Don't spend any more time thinking about it.

ChaosNeverRains · 01/03/2018 08:21

You weren’t dumped though? You’d been chatting to some bloke on the internet is all...

FWIW when I got together with my DP I considered that being in a relationship with someone who had no children might present with difficulties since only a parent can really know about parenting iyswim. Me and DP got together and he doesn’t have children, and tbh, the more I think and read about the pitfalls of blending families the more I think that children on both sides or potentially even for one parent and not the other can be a recipe for disaster.

Jumping to the conclusion that someone must be a pervert on the basis you don’t have children though is bloody weird in itself.

Also, I would have reservations about dating someone who had never been in a long term committed relationship by the age of 50. I certainly would think that any kind of dating relationship was unlikely to lead to any kind of long-term thing... so would probably steer clear if long term was ultimately what I was looking for.

Original poster

Bixg · 01/03/2018 08:25

bubbling I feel your pain, let's just eat and drink !
abitconfused wise words which I'll take on board.
I'm not seriously looking for a dp, just dipping my toe in the water to see who might be out there. I'm open to a relationship if I meet the right person, equally, having been single for the last few years, I know that I can be happy without a man in my life.
I've always met people through friends, work, going out, etc - but as I've got older the opportunities have been fewer. Now I just seem to get interest from men who are already in relationships or men who want the older woman experience

OP posts:

Original poster

Bixg · 01/03/2018 08:28

I've had 10yr, 6yr, and 4yr relationships, the rest 6m to 2yrs. So I can commit. 3 wanted to marry but only when I had 1 foot out the door.

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Original poster

Bixg · 01/03/2018 08:30

Not having married doesn't indicate that I'm unable to commit to a relationship ffs!

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ChaosNeverRains · 01/03/2018 09:06

No but it could mean that you have different fundamental beliefs. If he’s been married before then clearly he believes in marriage. If you don’t then you may be incompatible, even if you’ve been in long term relationships. These boards are full of posts from people where one partner believes in marriage and another doesn’t and the general advice is that those beliefs make for an incompatible relationship in the long term.

Original poster

Bixg · 01/03/2018 09:34

Chaos fair point.

So - going forward:
I don't mention not having been married
I ask the kids question first (?)
I won't mention my cat (don't worry - I didn't!)
I'm not going to tell anyone I can't drive

Any other tips?

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 01/03/2018 10:07

Going forward, carry on as you have and dont think anything of it when they stop chatting, its what the OLD chat stage is all about

Original poster

Bixg · 01/03/2018 10:12

Will do Les

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ALittleBitConfused1 · 01/03/2018 10:20

Ok I didn't mean that not being married meant you couldn't commit. I was just explaining how I looked at it when I dated online and came across men in their 40s whose longest relationship was 1 year, I was like wtf.
I wouldn't say there's anything you can't tell them, you are who you are. You don't have kids you do have a cat and you don't drive there's nothing wrong with any of those things.
The trick is to be honest and hope you meet someone who has a car and is looking for a cat loving childless woman in her 50s 😁

Original poster

Bixg · 01/03/2018 10:38

ALittleBit - He's out there somewhere, in his little mancave...

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HerBigChance · 01/03/2018 10:39

Another said there must be something seriously wrong with me having never been married (or in their eyes, no man ever liked me enough, no man found me desirable at all).

Men who say things like this are telling you everything you would ever need to know about them.

MagicFajita · 01/03/2018 10:46

Could be so many things op. He may just be completely sure that he wants no more children and doesn't want to start something with a person that could want them in the future.

I'd just move on tbh. As pps have said , it's better he disappears now than later.

Original poster

Bixg · 01/03/2018 11:01

Magic I'm 51, as he knew - that ship has sailed.

I'm pretty easy going so I just don't see men with children and ex-wives as a problem as I presume most men aged 44 - 54 (the age range I stipulated) will have been married and/or have children. I can see how me not having done either of those things could put people off though.

I didn't make a conscious decision to not marry or have children, I was just never in the right relationship at the right time with the right person.

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Original poster

Bixg · 01/03/2018 11:06

Actually, I've just realised I may have double standards, as I swiped left on one person in his 50's who was travelling a lot, going to gigs and was clearly enjoying a jack the lad lifestyle as I assumed he was a player and just in it for the short term.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bixg · 01/03/2018 11:07

Although I don't think my profile indicates that I'm looking for short term fun.

OP posts:

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