So I just ended it

[trippingup]

Oh gosh. I’ve just ended my relationship. Been together a year thought he was the one. I’m 33 I’ve just moved in with him. He has 2 kids and an ex wife and I’m just finding it so hard. I just don’t think I’m strong enough to take all this on. I feel like I have nothing and I’m just slotting into his life. So hard :(

I'm so sorry, but if you feel this relationship isn't working, you've made the best decision to end it now.

Very true thank you

I always knew that I could never cope with a man who had been married previously and had children. It's a case of recognising your own limitations and also your own priorities. For me, I knew that my children would always have to come first so it wouldn't be fair on me to take on stepchildren.

Don't beat yourself up OP. You've done the right thing for you. I met someone at 34 and had my first child at 35. Well done for making the right decision for you, even though it was obviously very hard.

Thanks for that @TwitterQueen1 I don’t have children or want them. Our relationship was perfect but upon introducing kids and having to hear all about the ex wife all the time it’s just too much. I admit it’s made me insecure and I just can’t handle it. I don’t want to hear all about the ex wife. He will always be tied to her and it’s just too much to hear about. I look after her kids but she won’t even meet me. Ugh

You are well within your rights to leave any relationship that doesn't make you happy. No-one is entitled to a relationship so in respect of that you have made the right decision for you.

But what was it? The fact that he had an ex-wife and children or the fact that these factors caused problems within the relationship?

I could not be a step-mother for love nor money. You sometimes have to meet your limits to learn them.

Have you moved out and how are things generally going?

What TwitterQueen said. I couldn't be a step mother, either. In fact, I wouldn't even go on a date with a man who had kids. Know your limits and stick to it.

I’ve literally just told him we should end it. It’s making us both Ill. it’s making me insecure and it’s making him worried he can’t talk to me or tell me things because I get upset all the time. I’ve not even thought about what I will do next... like where I will live etc. It’s just causing friction all the time. Him and his ex wife are taking their son out for a birthday meal. I get it - what a lovely thing to do... but it’s a surprise to me. I didn’t know they did that. It’s freaked me out to be honest. I know for the son it’s a lovely thing to do but I just think what about me. I’ll just sit at home whilst you go out with your son and ex wife and play happy families. I understand the son comes first but I feel I should leave as I’m not comfortable with it.

You are making the right decision for you.

I think you've made the right decision. It sounds pretty miserable. Who on earth wants to listen to someone banging on about their ex?

I’ve said I don’t want to hear about her and how much money she gets etc. But I get he needs to vent too.

Yes OP, I get iIt's OK, you are not BU and neither is anyone else. You are simply beginning to understand your own limitations and your own priorities. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this at all.

For your DP and his ex this is the right thing to do. They are putting their child first. It's OK that you are not comfortable with this. You don't have a child. Don't beat yourself up. From what you have said I think you are right to end things. And no shame on you.

That's not on. Fair enough if that's how they do things, but you should at least be told about it, if not asked along too.

I was with someone for 5 years and just ended it. Even after all that time, I was never part of his family, the intrusion of his ex phoning and being involved all the time was annoying, having the split loyalties that meant we could never live together because his DCs weren't happy about it, it's just too much for most people to deal with and if you don't have DCs of your own then it's too one-sided. I accept that my life came with some limitations too, but I stopped trying to make it work when I realised how far down his list of priorities I was.

I know there are step-families that work, but usually only where the step-parent is either actively involved in parenting and all the parents are a team, or where the SM is happy to just be a separate entity, but that means accepting these happy family nights out without you, which is hard for anyone to bear.

You've done the right thing. You only have to read the step-boards on here to know that, even though it may not feel like it for a while.

You are right. I’m
Not ok with separate family nights out. I bring the kids up. It’s not fair for me to be excluded from birthdays :(

If you don't want children of your own, then you'd be mad to settle down with someone who has children. Kids take over your life - that's great if you want that kind of life but I can imagine it would be awful otherwise. If you've chosen to have a childless life, then look out for a man who thinks the same way. It's unfair to both of you otherwise.

Well he didn’t tell me about the children at first. Ffs I know that should have been alarm bells.

I love the children. I just don’t want to hear about fights over money and hear about her affair. I’m just not able to take all this on.

'Well he didn’t tell me about the children at first. Ffs I know that should have been alarm bells.'

I'd have dumped him just for that. It's deceitful. I'd have been furious because man with kids was a dealbreaker for me. And as for his being fine with you providing childcare for his kids, but then exclude you from events. Go on and nope outta there.

'I love the children. I just don’t want to hear about fights over money and hear about her affair. I’m just not able to take all this on.'

And that's absolutely fine! Don't let him talk you round. It's not for you.

I think you should be proud of making such a hard decision but one that's right for you. I've got 3 DDs and love the very bones of them but I would never want to bring up anyone elses. It's bloody hard enough when they're yours. It's raw and painful at the moment, but will get easier without that stress in your head .

I've got kids and won't date people with young kids. I find parenting my own kids stressful so I don't want to pander and be sympathetic to other people's kids.

Re the birthday meal, I wouldn't have been enamoured with this scenario but my own DC wants this set up for me and her DF. It's important to her. However hell would freeze over for her DF to agree to this sadly.

I do birthday meals for my DCs and their dad. Difference is, my ex was also invited along, as was their dad's GF when he had one. Don't want this to come across all Jeremy Kyle, we were both in serious long term relationships with these people who were a big part of the DCs lives, hence we wouldn't have left them at home while we went out for cosy family dinners.