Stay with parents for a few days made me realise some stuff.

[Peachyfizz]

I'm staying with my parents for a couple of days as the snow is so bad and I live rural so didn't want to travel there after work and also I'm not well so not in a fit state to drive anyway.

Last night I thought I'd sit down stairs for half hour with them and realised that my dad is an arsehole. He tries to belittle my DM. Don't know why I haven't seen this until now. He grabbed her arm quite aggressively to give her a "joke" Chinese burn. Thought it was a bit much. He makes comments about her weight if she dares to eat chocolate bars. He likes to wind us up. Although my DM isn't completely innocent. They both were mocking my hobby and then both were mocking my tattoos. I did give it back which I never used to do. But I think Why?? Why are they like this and I never realised until now what a toxic place I was living In! No wonder I have self esteem and relationship issues. I can clearly see where it stems from now.

My mum has been kind and brought me food today but she talks to me like a child so have snapped a couple of times.

Who else's parents are like this or is it just mine?

My parents had an horrendous relationship!
I think you notice it more when you've spent time away from them and then come back.
I also think older couples sometimes think they should stay together through thick and thin (old fashioned values and all that) but really they are miserable and hate each other!

I could have written your post. Sad isn't it. I just hope I don't turn out to be like them ... that is my worse fear.

a chinese burn that's horrid OP

Yea I've also realised he is quite sexist. But then a part of me thinks it's DM too. She's a housewife so pretty much his skivvy. Very old fashioned ways. She completely relies on him for money etc.
I'm worried I'll turn out like them too. I've already had alot of bad relationships and now scared to enter another.
I remember when me and my sis were younger and he used to mock her up the dinner table and get me and my sister to laugh along. Looking back I feel guilty. Now I tell her to ignore him as he isn't funny.

Yeah my dad did the divide and conquer thing. He would make it "me and him" against "mum and sis" as they were silly girls and we were clever

The fact you've seen this so clearly now really will help you not fall into that pattern of behaviour. Most people unconsciously re-create their parents' relationship so you now have the advantage of being conscious of their dynamic and actively wanting to not follow that mould!

Don't understand why he did it? So mean. She would laugh it off most of the time but I remember a few times she cried and said he was picking on her.
Funny while growing up I used to say I wanted their relationship. Now it's the last 1 I'd want!

You won't be the same.
You've seen how miserable it is and will know the signs.

dance that's isn't nasty or toxic though?

I remember when me and my sis were younger and he used to mock her up the dinner table and get me and my sister to laugh along.

Op your home life sounds like mine - used to have a strong identity to my DF and thought my DM was 'weak' never wanted to be like her - I'm 52 just gone through extremely acrimonious divorce after 20 year marriage pretty much modelled on my own parents. I never would have said my marriage was abusive - I thought my parents relationship was due to my DM,s issues.

I am questioning my whole life - following the death of my Dm and my DF meeting someone new his behaviour really changed - except it probably hadn't. I now know how strong my mum was and who really was the weak one. I don't feel guilty I just got my mum so wrong - but what I do know is that all the time she was alive she 'protected' me and the relationship I had with my DF.

My DB has very little to do with DF now - some harsh words exchanged between the two- my relationship is not as it was but my DF is getting older now. It is a challenge to keep the relationship going but I have to keep telling myself we all have faults - I believe they thought they were doing the right thing - I was loved and they did their best.

If you can use what you now know to help you have better relationships going forward your circumstances will have had a purpose. Good luck x