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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you speak to the other woman

13 replies

needmysleep75 · 28/02/2018 12:57

So a few months ago I found out my husband was having an affair, I kicked him out and he went to live with her.
The whole time he's been telling me it was a mistake, he was weak, he shouldn't have left me. I have stupidly been still sleeping with him the whole time. ( I know! )
He's been back here a week, told her he needs some space and is sleeping in spare room ( he's not ) meant to be telling her he's moving all his stuff home.
Something is telling me he is lying to both me and her about everything. Would you go speak to her and us both find out all the lies? If I'm right and he is lying then I don't think I want him back as I couldn't trust him. But if I talk to her and find out he has been telling me the truth then he will be pissed off with me for speaking to her. What do I do?

OP posts:

Dozer · 28/02/2018 12:59

You don’t need info from her: you already know he’s lied and lied. Safe to assume he’s lied!

QueenofmyPrinces · 28/02/2018 13:00

Just tell him you want to speak to her, with him there too, so the whole mess can be sorted out between you and put everything to rest.

If he tries to block this from happening then I think you have your answer as he’s clearly wanting to keep something from you.

Dozer · 28/02/2018 13:00

How he might feel or react in response to what you do, eg speaking to OW, is irrelevant: unless you’re playing the “pick me dance”. Which is never a good move.

Original poster

needmysleep75 · 28/02/2018 13:01

I think you are both right, and I think I know it deep down. I think I want to know how far the lies have gone as that is what will push me over the edge to realise its done. Sorry a lot of I thinks in there!!

OP posts:

SundaysFunday · 28/02/2018 13:06

Definitely stop sleeping with him. Your judgement is clouded.

You know he's a lying cheater, you don't need anymore proof.

Send him back the the OW, she's welcome to him, you can do better than this.

Why does it sound like he's 'in charge' of everyone he's future?

Dozer · 28/02/2018 13:07

You seem to be looking to give yourself permission to end it?

No one needs any reason to end a relationship, but you already have plenty! Your “bottom lines” are for you to determine though!

FellOutOfBed2wice · 28/02/2018 13:08

Was in this situation but the other way around. My boyfriend was attached and I didn’t know and then when I found out he lied to me about her and her about me. Me and she eventually got together and compared lies and it was genuinely shocking, the man couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it. I walked as she took him back..... he’s had at least one other affair since so I heard. Men like this don’t change.

AthenasOwl · 28/02/2018 13:08

He's done a right number on you both. He's shagging the pair of you! I would let her have him frankly.

Original poster

needmysleep75 · 28/02/2018 13:13

@FellOutOfBed2wice did speaking to her help you at all?

OP posts:

FellOutOfBed2wice · 28/02/2018 13:17

needmysleep75 Yes. I mean, it was the most fucking awkward afternoon if all time, and there was much angst and tears on both sides but it gave me a clear head about what was real and what wasn’t. I loved him very much and (long complicated story) had known him a long time and trusted him but once I knew he had been playing us both like fiddles and lying to us both so brazenly it changed things. I was still heartbroken that it ended but have never for a moment had any allusions about him and what he did and I have never had any moments of “what if...” about him because I know for sure that he was a lying pig. I feel very sad for her that she took him back, he’s a bad man and it sounds a bit like yours is too.

I guess it depends on your personality and what the other woman is like but it did ultimately help me.

happysnappysandwich · 28/02/2018 13:20

I get why you would want to do it, but there's absolutely zero guarantee that she is going to be honest with you anyway.

You already know the truth. He's a pathetic excuse of a lying shitbag, and she is welcome to him. At least I hope that's the conclusion you come to.

BlondeB83 · 28/02/2018 13:58

He won’t change, he feeds off the attention from both of you. I too have been in your position except he stayed with me and continued the affair with her. I stayed for another 6 years and he never changed.

BackInTheRoom · 28/02/2018 14:04

Something is telling me he is lying to both me and her about everything.

Uh aren't you completely side stepping the fact your partner is having an affair!! He was lying then! And now you suddenly think he's going to tell you the truth?!! You appear to be down the rabbit hole, lost your senses so I'd work on this and leave him to his AP.

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