Gift gor my grieving friend - opinions please

[GloriousDolores]

My best friend who I've known forever is having a horrendous time. She has been ttc for so long and had such terrible luck. She got another BFP a couple of months ago but at a scan today, there a
was no heartbeat.

I know she is very conscious of taking up peoples time because of how long she has struggled with this. She doesnt reach out often no matter how many times you assure her you dont care how much she talks about it if she needs to.

She has her DH with her today. He is great but sometimes he tries the 'come on lets just get on with it' method of coping too early for her.

Ive told her I'm here if she needs anyone when her H goes back to work. I know from experience she'll go into her shell for a while a and deal with it alone so I'll just wait to hear from her.

I was thinking I might drop a little farm-shop hamper outside their door later, just with nice, easy things to eat and drink.

Is this something that would in any way help? Should i do something else instead like flowers? Or just leave it entirely? I can't decide.

The hamper is a great idea because it’s practical. When I had a mc, I really didn’t want flowers. I couldn’t bear to look at cards we received. Anything that was an obvious “sympathy” gift would have upset me. Nice things to eat is a lovely touch, as it will encourage her to look after herself. Not sure what you mean by drink but I would avoid alcohol.
You are a lovely friend.

That sounds like a lovely idea OP. A friend did similar for me after I had a MMC and it was much appreciated. The same friend also came round for a cup of tea a bit later, I wouldn't have asked her to, but again I really appreciated it. We both just sort of acknowledged what had happened was really shit and there's nothing much you can say to ease the pain but just having someone other than DH there with me really helped. Most people gave me a wide berth for a while as I think it's really hard for people to know what to do and say which did make me feel quite isolated.

You sound like a lovely friend

I think a hamper is a lovely idea. Or some cake or cookies you baked (if you bake). I did have close family send me flowers, which I did appreciate. But I don't know that everyone would like flowers. I had a hard time eating, so any sort of food that would be easy to eat would be appreciated, I'm sure.

Aw thank you

I'm very conscious of doing the wrong thing sometimes as we have mutual friends who in the past have been unbelievably insensitive - mostly completely well meant but sometimes the mind boggles.

It feels like this needs to be aknowledged with more than a 'poor you, phone me if you need me'

Yeah i think a bottle of gin would perhaps not hit the right note monkey, i was thinking more those nice farmshoppy fruit juices or a posh hot chocolate.

I could be your friend OP, I'm not, but I could be. You sound like a lovely friend and that's a wonderful idea. Being in the same position as your friend I am frightened to talk to anyone, because I feel they are sick to death of hearing it. Just me being so sad all the time must be such a drain for them all. I am very aware of that and sometimes send them flowers or something to say thanks.

I think a hamper sounds a lovely idea.

On another thread I was talking about soup. I always make soup in situations like this. I often put it in single portion containers that can go in the freezer. It’s easy to eat, shows the person they are being thought about, and because it’s cheap, they need feel no guilt if they throw it away.

I've never expended a mc but when we had our critically ill baby, a friend dropped into hospital a hamper of bits, biscuits and hot chocolate sachets, jam and bits. It meant so much to know our friends were thinking of us at a time when they couldn't see us

Bless you FourPaws, I'm sure a true friend wouldn't think like that. Sometimes, I take a bit of a gamble with my friend - does she want me to enquire about it all today or does she want me to make her laugh and bore her with my shit to take her mind off it? And I bet you any money I get it wrong lots of times.

Sometimes, life gets busy and I'm really shit with my phone so she might call/text casually one day and I might not get back to her until the next. And I so hope she knows it's not because I don't want to listen to her. I tell her as much.

If she needed me and I hadn't called her back yet and she text me to say...Im going mental here...I'd be round like a shot. I bet you your friends are the same.

bert abd mind, i like the home made suggestions. I wouldnt inflict anything I'd cooked or baked on anybody though but I definitely think I should put soup and cake in the hamper.

Thank you sleeping

The hamper idea is a great one, you sound like an awesome friend. When I had my late miscarriage last year one of my friends posted me & my husband loads of different chocolate. Which made us laugh and cry as it was so thoughtful and exactly what we needed. I'm sure whatever you do she'll be glad of it

Oh a hamper is a lovely idea,maybe full of various treats,like bath bombs.....maybe all her favourite treats(whatever they are :)). cheeses,nice breads,chocolates....,candles..body lotions....

Be careful not to make it look too celebratory.

Thanks everyone, I've been and got it now and I'll deliver it shortly.

I did think that bert, I didnt want it to look like a celebratory gift at all, so I've just put it all in a plain box. I went for a posh ready meal type thing, some cake, biscuits, snacking crispy sorts of things, posh hot choc and a nice fruit juice. Just things they can pick up and eat and not have to worry about cooking.

Thanks for all the advice

That sounds lovely and you sound like a really thoughtful friend doing this. I had a MMC 2 years ago and a shit partner at the time. Not one person was there for me except my mum. I would have really appreciated this. Two of my closest friends who I also worked with refused to cover a shift for me. Reading your post just makes me realise how much I'd have appreciated a gesture like this and I actually feel quite angry now thinking how no one was there for me

[Flowers] for you why. People can be really shit when it comes to this, I know my friend has come across a fair few idiots who just don't get it.

Thank goodness for your lovely mum

A very good friend has been through a few awful years including a number of mc. I have done what you are suggesting and she really seemed to appreciate it. I do cook, so have done portions of soup, cakes, etc, but one time I was away, ordered some ready meals from a pair naice deli near her. She said not having to think about preping food she knew she had to ear but didn't want was a good thing.

Hope your friend is ok in time

I know it may be too late, but I bought my friend who was gonna he through the same thing quite a hardy plant in remembrance which she was really grateful for....?