Longtime user posting under a new name as I really need some advice.
I split from my H of 20 years around a year ago, I’m mid 40s. He was an ok husband but there was never a big attraction between us, we were always more like friends and I decided I wanted more.
A few months back I decided to give OLD a go as I find it hard to meet people in real life - I’ve got no single friends to go out with for a start and hate organised meet ups.
Initially I liked the inevitable attention but it soon became clear 90% of blokes are just after one thing and are as happy for that to be virtual as real. Trouble is whereas most women would tell them to get lost I’ve found myself going along with it. The first few times I really thought it meant something but now I’ve wised up enough to know it’s just a means to an end and will never develop into anything more. But I hate myself for continuing with it - I’ve done it now with multiple guys and it’s getting more graphic - lots send pics, nearly all request them although I don’t reciprocate, the whole thing is just so sordid while at the same time turning me on but more importantly making me feel wanted even though I know I mean nothing to these guys.
The dates I’ve had haven’t worked out - either I’ve liked them and they’ve dumped me or they haven’t been my type - so this kind of contact seems my only option but it’s not doing me any good. Late last night after being ghosted by a date I was really hopeful about I found myself pouring my heart out to a complete stranger online and the conversation inevitably went the usual route. I fell asleep straight after but have woken up just feeling sick and sad, wtf have I turned into and why do I feel the need to do this? I’m desperate for affection and know this isn’t the way to get it but nothing real is working out.
I genuinely don’t know what to do, really grateful for any advice 😢