Mentally abusive relationship

[SuperMam123]

I opened this thread earlier under a section that now seems to have disappeared (are you being treated well or something) and I can’t find it at all so just doing it again. I have been in a mentally abusive relationship for 4 years. Some examples: this man would fall out with me on the whim of his ex wife then go and inform her that he had done as she said. He asked me and my DS (2 at the time) to move in with him. He made my life a misery with his sulking to the point where I dreaded him coming home from work. He would kick us out of ‘his’ house repeatedly so I’d have to trail all our belongings to my mams house then he’d beg me to go back and then throw us out again. This happened many times until I’d had enough and moved back into my own home. He regularly ignores me, won’t talk about anything, blocks me from contacting him and blames everything on me. I’ve always had a short temper but he seems to trigger this then turns the situation on me, it’s always what I have done/said and never him. Maybe it is me, I don’t know. The latest incident happened weekend Just gone. His ex wife had text him after contact with his DS (my DS is his stepson but only knows him as Dad as he brought him up since being 9 months) being awkward as usual and made some derogatory comment about my DS. He was happy to say nothing about this but I was furious as I’ve noticed that she was doing this more often. When I asked him to ask her to stop dragging my son into their disputes he told me that I wasn’t going to cause trouble for him. We were supposed to be going on holiday soon and he told us not to come and that he didn’t want us there. He proceeded to cancel myself and my DS (now 4) off the booking and has removed himself from our lives. I feel so guilty when I look at my little boy, hearing him cry because he can’t go on holiday now. I can’t afford to take him away on our own this year otherwise I would. I feel like it is all my fault for losing my temper about his ex wife and her nasty messages. I wish I had never brought this man into our lives. I can’t help but blame myself for my son being let down again. I feel terrible. And as stupid as it sounds I’m really struggling with the being cut off again.

He sounds like a dick. Sulking, kicking you out? You’re well rid.

Take your little boy somewhere nice closer to home then. You're disrupting his life as well as yours by hanging onto this stupid man. What do you need him for? He neither likes or respects you. You weren't born with him you can live without him. He's just a man.

It's as if the more he shows you that you don't particularly matter, the more you chase him. He's in a situation with his ex wife as well and it STILL got to the point of him being the one to cut you off?!

Please do The Freedom Programme. & read the 'Why Does He Do That?' book. It's worth it. Think of your child and the instability and poor relationship model this is bringing into his life.

No man is worth this. Yes you may feel hurt go through all the associated withdrawal feelings but you won't die for lack of him. Do yourself a favor face life as it is and stay away from this dickhead. The regular sulking alone would have me slamming the door in his face, never to be reopened. I don't know how you can be asked. There are far easier ways to have a relationship, better men out there to have them with.

Leave him alone and putting into yourself and your child. This car crash of a relationship isn't good for anybody.

Thank you MistressDeeCee, you’ve ignited something inside of me that had felt lost but it’s still there in the embers. Years ago he’d of been told to do one but somehow he managed to extinguish that part of me. What do I need him for? I can’t actually answer that because I don’t need him for anything. I’ve always felt guilty about closing the door on him in the past because DS asks after him and he’s used that but something’s got to give eventually. You’re both right he is a dickhead. And the amount of times I’ve said to him ‘you don’t even like me’ but the begging always grinds me down then just leads back to this viscious cycle. Thanks for ur reply, it’s what I needed.

That's good ☺️. Your worth isn't determined by an insecure bully who needs to feel in control via making you unhappy. He's supposed to be your life partner but he's your adversary. He will in no way enhance your life, or that of your DS. I hope you do find your way out. Even if you miss him terribly and are upset, use whatever coping mechanisms you need to get through that. He will no doubt try to wheedle his way back in so as to continue his gaslighting nonsense. Hopefully you won't let him. Theres a No Contact thread somewhere on this board, it will likely help you to join that. It's hard to be strong at times but equally there are times you have to be, for your own self-preservation. It's important. Good luck.

He's done you a favour.
He's a knob and you're going to be so much happier without him

The longer you leave it to get rid of him, the harder it will be on your son. Right now your boy is only 4 and in a few years won’t even remember him. If you carry on letting this abuser be near him then he will impact his life and you’ll never be rid of him. I know people who have very little to do with their mothers when they grew up because the mother allowed an abusive step dad to rule all of their lives. Get rid. He’s slagging you and your kid off to his ex. Causing your kid to cry. Blocking you. Removing a holiday because you stood up for your child...what more does he need to do? Actually punch you in the face? For Christ’s sake see the big picture, have some damn self respect and start protecting your kid above your need for some weirdo bully’s attention

Thanks for all your replies, you’ll never know the strength that they have imparted. Never actually spoke about this stuff to anyone and it’s what I’ve needed. Seeing it through someone else’s eyes has been helpful.