I want to leave my husband but don't know how

[Jamb16]

I have a 3 month old and a 2 year old, I'm a stay at home mum with no money of my own and don't have a joint bank account with husband. For many reasons I feel I need to leave but I don't know how. I have no friends and my family live on the other side of the country plus we don't have a good relationship. I feel I have nowhere to turn and not sure how to leave and where I would go with no financial means of my own. I have wanted to leave for a long time but have felt it would be too difficult and just haven't felt strong enough to do it. It has now got to the stage though that my daughter sees how her father speaks to me and swears in front of her at me and she understands that it makes me sad even though I ignore it when she is there and don't react. It is breaking my heart writing this as I am ashamed of myself for letting it get to this stage and I feel I need to leave now as I don't want my daughters growing up thinking that is how men treat women and attracting those sort of men themselves ( as happened with me as a child) , I feel really alone and hoping for some sort of advice as to how to leave...thank you

Women's Aid may be able to help. I think they can advise you about benefits etc.

There are wise and helpful women on here who know what to do- I'm sure they'll be along shortly.

In the meantime, don't tell him until you are ready.

Find important papers and copy them if you can.

Start working on your plan.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Please contact Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247
They can help you with an exit plan.
You will be entitled to benefits and tax credits etc..... so have a chat with CAB about that.
Shelter may also be able to help you and Rights of Women may have some good advice for you.
It's good you recognise that you need to get out.
Get those support services in place and take it from there.

Try your local Women's Aid you'll have a better chance of getting through.

Or/and call the national helpline, above. but call at night if you can.

Sounds like you may well be in an abusive relationship - he verbally abuses you, you have none of your own money.

Women's Aid will help you. Do this for your girls

Do you have any access to any money? How do you pay for groceries? Can you ask family to lend you the money needed for rent for a flat? Are you in a mortgaged property or renting? Contact women’s aid and citizens advice for help. I have a friend who was in a very similar position to you. She got out. She is so happy and has no regrets.

Thanks for the replies. Didn't know about women's aid so will look into that. I use child benefit to pay for all our groceries, household items and a couple of bills but have nothing left after that. My husband bought a house a year a go and just having it extended but it is in his name. No, not really as we don't speak very often or get on and know they wouldn't lend the money.

Thanks. That makes me feel a bit better about you friend as I am worried whether it is the right choice or not as my daughter loves her father and doesn't spend much time with him now and feel they would hardly see him at all when we are not together

Go on to Citizens Advice website. Look at Family section and then there is section on seperating on there. Have a read. They can do a benefits check for you. Do not leave the family house. Even if it is in your husbands name.

Can you stop paying bills and start squirreling that money away?
In the long term, your DH has to share assets with you ( if you are married), but in the short term you could be entitled to benefits once you have separated. Try Women's Aid
Would your family really not help?

Jamb

Do contact Womens Aid as they can and will help you. The Rights of Women organisation are also good re general legal matters.

The right choice here is to divorce your H. What do you want to teach your DDs about relationships and what is she learning here?. Your DDs cannot afford to grow up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women. You learnt those lessons. Besides which children love parents anyway no matter how rubbish they are. You probably loved your dad as a child too and he was abusive. Your family of origin taught you very damaging lessons about relationships which you have carried over to this day.

Your H seems to only care about one person here and that is he; its not you or your child. He does not want to share. He is also financially abusive and your comment here is very telling:-
"I use child benefit to pay for all our groceries, household items and a couple of bills but have nothing left after that. My husband bought a house a year a go and just having it extended but it is in his name".

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this could help you in the future.

I don't think so really as would then need my husband to pay them and he would say he already pays for most things compared to me so I should. When I get in touch with my family they rarely respond and they aren't even interested in seeing their grandchildren so I don't think they would and I really don't want to tell them about what is happening as they aren't good for me or my children

It doesn't matter that the house is in his name. You are married. That is a legally recognised status and all assets are both of yours.

As already said, speak to women's aid. Start getting copies of all important documents and don't say a word to him yet. Cover your tracks completely until you're ready.

As PP says. You are married. The house in an asset and half yours.
You could get more than half if you are the RP so don't worry about that.
Get onto the organisations mentioned and they can help you get in touch with local support services who can guide you through all of this.

Please don't give up, jamb! You know you need to do this, just quietly and calmly start getting advice and making preparations.