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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to be with my ex

27 replies

mummytomaxwell · 27/02/2018 15:47

After my other half wronged me by not turning up to the hospital my mum decided that it was final that I had to leave.
She spent the 5 days running up to Sunday telling me how I'm better off without him and how we are going to get my stuff whilst he was at work.
I'm so angry because I feel like I was told to leave when I never wanted to. He turned up whilst we were packing and I just couldn't bring myself to tell him it wasn't my idea. I regret leaving and if I could go back I would. Because we have a 14 week baby together it feels much worse. I'm currently at my mums and she refuses to let me see him and talk through things.
My family hate him because he's hurt me before but it was never a frequent thing. I don't know if it's because I'm weak as piss or if it's because I genuinely didn't want any of it to happen.
I feel so lost and I feel like my family are controlling me worse than he did. What do I do :(

OP posts:
Mandapanda85 · 27/02/2018 15:51

How old are you and why does she want you to leave him?

something2say · 27/02/2018 15:51

Oh darling.... what do you mean he hurt you tho?

hellsbellsmelons · 27/02/2018 15:56

How has he hurt you before?
If it's physical in any way, then listen to your parents.
Never ever ever ever put up with abuse in a relationship.
Although, judging by your mums response to this I can see why you put up with it.
How old are you?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/02/2018 15:57

My family hate him because he's hurt me before

I really hope I've got the wrong end of the stick here, but were you in hospital because of something he did to you?

windchimesabotage · 27/02/2018 16:04

Its natural to feel heartbroken and to struggle, especially with a baby so young. But you need to look at the bigger picture and also the context. What do you mean 'he hurt' you? And what had you actually said to your mum prior to her coming and helping you pack. Had you at one point wanted to leave yourself?

It sounds like there are a lot of events that have led up to this point that you havent described.

You say your family are controlling you 'worse than he did' which implies you know he was controlling you. Which makes me think the 'hurt' you said was in fact violence of some kind is that true?

In this case I think your family may only being trying to help you.

Perhaps it is best to just let things settle down and get some space from your partner for a while. Why dont you look at it as that instead of a final thing? Get some headspace and really think about things yourself. If you do really want to go back to your partner then no one can actually stop you. But I really think you should wait a while and calm down so that you can think about it all by yourself first.

At this time when everything has just happened you will be in a lot of distress and wont be able to make very clear decisions. If this man really has been violent towards you at any point and he does keep letting you down then I think you need to do some serious thinking before just going back to him to 'talk things over'
When someone is controlling as you have said you thought he was, then it can be very difficult to 'talk things over' as they will try and manipulate you into doing what they want. Use this time away from him to think about what you really do want and the behaviour and support you expect from a partner. Dont just rush straight back to him when you have been given an opportunity to get some space here. Stay strong and focus on yourself and what you actually want in the long run. Flowers

BrendasUmbrella · 27/02/2018 20:22

Think of the motivation though. Has he hit you, frightened you? Are your family motivated by loving you and wanting to protect you?

allthegoodnameshadgone · 27/02/2018 20:44

Your mum will only ever want the best for you. If it was you and your daughter in this position 25 years from now, would you do the same? I'm Not saying she is right but it might help you understand why it's come about?

I Hope your ok.

ColourfulOrangex · 27/02/2018 20:50

Oh OP whatever you decide make sure it is best for you and your baby Thanks if he has hurt you before than maybe your mum has genuine concerns

Original poster
mummytomaxwell · 27/02/2018 21:38

He's not a very abusive person he just likes to have control. When I tried to leave him when I had major PMS he held me down on the bed by my throat. He's done it before but it was a year previous. I'm not sure why I miss him I just don't really want to be away from him even though I know it's what's best for our son.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 28/02/2018 04:26

Your Mum was right to make you leave, you’re clearly still under his control. Have you looked into doing the freedom program? You need to. He’s dangerous and you need to stay away from him. If you ever again find yourself describing a partner as “not very abusive” like it’s a good thing, you need to end that relationship too.

losingmymindiam · 28/02/2018 05:38

Someone who holds you down on the bed by your throat doesn't love you. No matter if it only happens occasionally. No matter how attached to him you feel. No matter how well they treat you at other times. Love is about wanting to care for and support each other. Violence has no place. It should not ever happen. So sorry but your mum is right.

Justanotherzombie · 28/02/2018 06:19

Your mum is right helping you to leave. Don't choose your abusive ex over your child by going back.

bastardkitty · 28/02/2018 06:24

I don't agree with your mum's method but you need to give yourself some time to get over things and never go back to him. If this is standard behaviour for your mum, then that would explain why you are drawn to controlling/abusive relationships. Please seek some counselling for yourself from a specialist domestic abuse service.

Makingworkwork · 28/02/2018 06:28

He is abusive. Holding you down by your throat is a sign that he will probably end up killing you unless you leave. You need to keep yourself safe and alive for your baby.

rwalker · 28/02/2018 06:30

sounds like you till love him so of course you want to be with him.But it's the right thing to do to get away from him. Your mum wants what best for you and will be worried sick about you. Be honest and tell her you know you should leave but are finding her overpowering .Harsh but unless you tell her you will end up falling out and go back to your bad situation .

Clutterbugsmum · 28/02/2018 06:34

He is abusive, wanting to control you and your surroundings is abusive, pinning down you by your throat is abusive.

Please listen to your family they are trying to keep you and your baby safe.

SD1978 · 28/02/2018 06:38

I have a few issues with your post. Your partner is controlling and abusive, and your Mum seems to be very controlling too. She has decided you need to leave and has made you do so. I’m sorry, but neither of them seem healthy people to be around, you seem to fall in with whoever is there and taking charge at the time (from the tone of the post only)

SandyY2K · 28/02/2018 07:32

I see nothing wrong with your mum. You have a baby, he has been physically abusive and he didn't come to the hospital.

She's right to have made you leave. No half decent man would pin you down to the bed by the throat.

I'd make my daughter leave a man like him too.

Try and co-parent....but leave it at that.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 28/02/2018 07:50

I'm sorry but that is abuse. He wants to control you and he is physically violent. Of course you want to be with him you love him but that won't last forever.
You need to get some therapy to work through why you think he should be able to treat you that way and you need to give yourself some time for the fog to clear. Do some online research into mental and emotional abuse/toxic relationships I bet you that he ticks a lot of the box's.
You cannot be with this man, for both yours and your son's sake.
Restraining you by the throat is an extremely dangerous act and is a very clear indicator of future possible life ending abuse. Do not put yourself in the situation where you could potentially be one of the 2 women each week who are murdered by their partner/ex (yes that's over 100 women each year in the UK alone).
It's also proven that children brought up in violent/abusive homes are at a higher risk of being abusers or in an abusive relationships as adults, that's why social services take this kind of thing so seriously. Trust me I know, my childhood was full of arguments etc it's no coincidence I found myself in an abusive relationship with a violent alcoholic.
You need help to work through this, you can minimise it all you want but it's abuse end of. Until you acknowledge that and get help to deal with it you won't be able to get over it and move on. You need to find the strength to do this for yourself and your son.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/02/2018 09:46

Grabbing a woman around the throat is THE biggest red flag there is for abusive behaviour and the likelihood that the person will go on to kill their partner.
Many women are killed by their partners every week in this country.
The police recognise pressure around the throat as the worst thing to do to someone.
All it takes is a little more pressure for a little longer and you are dead.
And your mum and dad are childless and your DD has no mother!
NEVER EVER go back to this vile bully.

Although your mum's methods are wrong, I would do similar if you were my daughter.
But you need to work on yourself.
Please call Womens Aid.
They can help with counselling and you can do their Freedom Programme. This will help with spotting red flags sooner. It will help your self esteem, help you put boundaries in place, etc....
Do it asap as you need to take back control of your own life.
I'm assuming you are quite young.
You have a lot a learn and long life ahead of you.
Do NOT waste it on abusive men and certainly don't model this kind of relationship to your DD.
She needs to know that women do NOT put up with this kind of treatment.
That women are strong. They can leave. They can cope on their own.
That's the sort of thing you want to model for your DD.

Bekksy · 28/02/2018 10:14

I am sorry you are going through this but I think your family is right. Your life IS in danger and you, blinded by love, do not see it. Would rational discussion help? I doubt it because love is not rational. We know that.

Your family have a choice, leave you to leave him in your own time, if you don't the consequence could be unimaginable; or force you into a safe place. You may hate them but you and your child will be alive and safe.

Not much of a choice for your mum. Is it?

magoria · 28/02/2018 10:14

Thank your lucky stars your mother is looking out for you.

Trust her and let her help you.

Having had you by the throat multiple times is is odds on only a matter of time before your tiny baby is motherless and dad in jail for your murder.

IWishYouWereNever · 28/02/2018 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/02/2018 11:07

So this isn't about control at all. He's grabbed you by the throat twice, as others have said, that is a major red flag. He would only need to have got slightly more carried away for your son to be left without a mother. Try to relax, enjoy your beautiful baby, and let your family protect you.

something2say · 28/02/2018 11:31

I agree with wish you were never. That is exactly what might happen.

The other thing to think about is that to me your case has social services written all over it, because they need to get in there and make it safe by ensuring you don't have the baby with you when you are with him. If you do have the baby near him, the baby will be affected by his behaviour towards you. Seeing his mum, his lifeline, his primary live source, held on the bed by her throat, and to be in that hellish shouting violent atmosphere is emotionally abusive towards him.

I'd say either stay with your mum or get into a refuge and go solo, but be very careful and brave my love. Not every man is a good man, even tho we may love and care for them, and it is going to take bravery to realize that xxxxx

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