Bored and feeling unloved

[Hellsbellscockleshells]

DH is a good provider and is out of the house 13 hours a day due to work and travelling to and from work. At weekends he is happy staying in the house mainly watching old detectives with the occasional walk into town. I am bored with this and we have no quality time as a couple. If I push to do something he will come along and sometimes say he’s enjoyed it but after being together nearly 20 years and being married for nearly 18 (we got married late mid 30’s) and we now also have a dog to factor in I am tired of being party organiser and feel bored and unloved. I have told him this many times.
The DC are early secondary school age and are needing me less and less in some ways and both are obsessed with iPads and phones.
We have never had sitters so are lucky if we go out together once or twice a year.
He tries to get intimate but I seem to have lost interest and lost my mojo.
I work part time. I have started in the last couple of weeks going to an exercise class twice a week and going out more with friends to make life more interesting and or hope he notices and wants to invest time in us and help improve things.
Any advice appreciated. I don’t want to split up our relationship just needs a boost/invigorating.
I have had dreams he has been unfaithful and I feel guilty.

It sounds like you need to develop some interests outside of work, your family and your husband. Do that and then re-evaluate your relationship.

Thanks Makingworkwork - i have looked for something I am interested in as I have forgotten the real me since DC came along apart from holidays and travel (which I still enjoy but it’s very costly paying for 4 in school hols). I can’t really remember what I used to enjoy. Its difficult due DH’s long hours and DD needs ferrying to activities two nights a week. The days I am not in work their is nothing on I am interested in. I went to see a play last week and I am going to the cinema tonight and I have booked to go to an 80’s concert. I have put on a lot of weight so I am hoping the extra exercise will help lift my mood, boost my energy and loose weight.

Is there anyway your dd could get to the activities herself? You were saying their older now,so I was thinking bus or something. Your weight could be knocking your confidence,would you consider gym(I went Few Times before,in support of my oh at the time),and surprised myself how much I enjoyed it. Plus would give you another activity. Or maybe yoga,something I keep promising myself I'll start! Have you told your husband how your feeling? Is there a chance he's also a bit bored of the norm!

Sorry just saw the part where you have told him many times :/ is there a chance he's just burnt out from working too much....

Yes DH just shattered after work mid week and on a weekend.
I said about wishing we had more quality time together as a couple. He said something soppy like all the time he spends with me. It’s just me wanting the odd date night every couple of months or a night in the house where he isn’t on his phone, computer or frantically flicking through tv Chanel’s. He doesn’t see why I would need or want this.

You have every right to want and need a life with him outside of the house,away from his head burried in technology.... if he's not grasping how serious you are about wanting things to change,could you do something drastic for him to realise. Maybe suggest a break....or a no technology night once a week

Do you mean split up or a break away Bexter? We couldn’t have a break away as dc only just turned 13 and 14.
I have suggested a break from technology and listen to music and talk one night a week but he forgets and just has to check this or that.

He sounds really boring.

My parents have been together 25 years and still do different things together every weekend and at every opportunity!

I meant a split,so he realises your being very serious about wanting to change things,and I would set a new 'house rule' I.e, Friday night,internet turned off,tv off,phones off and in cupboard. Break away though sounds great,any chance kids could go stay with friends or family for a weekend,or someone.

It sounds as if maybe your life has changed a bit as the children have gotten older but he is still in the same old rut and can't see it.
With his long hours I'm not really that surprised that he wants to just flop in the evenings and at weekends. Maybe he could book some days off. While the DCs are at school you could go for a drive, visit a historic site, have a pub lunch, just hang out together.
Don't you have any options for childcare?

He is at the minute we both are and are both stuck in a rut. It doesn’t seem to be bothering him but it is bothering me. I would love to have the life your parents have NotSoSprightly but having two children later in life- v late 30’s, both DC’s very close in age, with no family support, DH working such long days and having a dog in the mix our social life as a couple has been put on hold and hasn’t recovered yet.
DS has a few friends he sees on a weekend but DD doesn’t see anyone out of school at the moment apart from the couple of activities she does.
Bexter DD’s activities are too far away and their isn’t a bus to them and I wouldn’t want her walking about in the streets close to where the activities take place.

TheChubster - Their is no options for childcare once they get to secondary and both our parents are elderly and neither have ever helped with dc or shown much interest in them. MIL lives away and mine live locally but aren’t interested (I have asked in the past and it was always no).
I will suggest him taking a day off soon on a school day and us spending a cheeky day together on our own and having a nice lunch out somewhere. That might help thanks.

I think it's time something was done, both for your sake and your boys'. I know a lot of children are obsessed with electronics, but it's not good for them. It might be tough but introducing something you all do together would be just what you all need.

Can the kids be left for a short time .
I think by secondary school age
Me and my sister told mum and dad we didn't need nana to baby sit us.
They were off to the pub more or less immediately lol
Besides nothing wrong with you being the organiser if he's happy to go along.
My lovely dad loved it .
He was so quite he made loads
Of new friends through mum .

I have always organised everything for us and kids always. DH earns slightly less than he did so money more of a concern.
I book all holidays, organise all and any days away but less places to go now as have dog and DC less keen.
I don’t think I would like to leave our two for more than one/two hours as they sometimes fight but maybe by summer.
We do need to shake things up.