How do you get through a rough patch

[RoughPatchMum]

NC for this as I don’t want it linked to my previous posts.

DH and I are going through a rough path. Together nearly 12 years, married for nearly 7, one dc aged 2. We just don’t seem to have any time for each other anymore - both work full time in reasonably high powered careers, focus at weekends is on DC. Evenings we often spend separately - him playing computer games and me watching TV. We argue quite a lot - way more than we used to. DH can be controlling and petty, but I’m no saint either - I rarely admit I’m in the wrong and can’t seem to bite my tongue sometimes even when I know it’s going to cause an argument.

We just seem to be stuck in a rut. On the outside we have a happy marriage, a gorgeous DC and DH is a brilliant father who does his fair share. But inside things feel like they’re teetering on the edge. How do I get us through this - I desperately want my marriage to be happy and the thought of splitting is a terrible one.

Talk to each other. Establish what is causing the arguments and what each other can do to make it better. Bite your tongue more, especially if it actually doesn't matter. Fix the things that do matter. Find time to be a couple again. It's really important.

Having kids, especially young ones who are so demanding, can take its toll on your relationship as it’s tiring and you can’t just go out together whenever you want any more, etc.

Spending quality time together is really important though. Can you get a babysitter and go on a date night? Even if you have no family nearby it’s worth paying a babysitter to get that time together as a couple.

Or if going out would be difficult you could plan a date night at home - take turns to cook a nice meal, watch a movie together, etc. I think spending time apart in the evenings isn’t good either if it’s like that every night. Can you try and spend at least a couple of nights doing something together, even if it’s just watching TV?

Communication is really important too and being really honest with how you are feeling. If something annoys/ upsets you then tell him. If it’s allowed to fester things will only get worse.

You need to connect with each other again.
Spend time with each other. Have dinner together with just music on in the background and just talk.
Watch some tv together.
Be kind to each other. Buy little gifts, make a cup of tea etc. The little things can make a big difference.
Be intimate.

I think we definitely need time as a couple. We have family nearby but they do one day a week regular childcare for the DC so I don’t like to ask them to babysit too often as well. We are not short of money though so could afford to pay a babysitter to have a date night. I’m struggling to remember the last time we went out together without DS. Before Christmas I think.

Arguments are about anything and everything tbh. Last night we had one about an outing I’ve arranged with some friends. DH is annoyed that I let the friends book the tickets for all of us instead of booking our own as they can be unreliable. Stupid little things but they blow up and then DH festers over it.

I’m feeling quite tearful this morning. I just want things to work. I know I need to change too and not rise to things and make more effort in the evenings.

@RoughPatchMum I hear you. This could be me and my OH, kids aside.

I don't really have any advice except to say you are not alone in feeling like this, and the fact you are asking means you want to stay together so all is not lost.

Are you having sex? I only ask because these issues seem like the types of things couples bicker about when they're not shagging.

"Last night we had one about an outing I’ve arranged with some friends. DH is annoyed that I let the friends book the tickets for all of us instead of booking our own as they can be unreliable".

I would give this some more thought.

Would he have booked the tickets himself however?. How are these people unreliable, whose friends are these in the main i.e. his or yours?. Or is he just pissed off at you because you are going out without him for an evening?. If so that is an example of him trying to control you.

If anyone needs changing here it is your H, you are reacting to what he says and does around you. He is the one giving you spaghetti head here, making you think that you are no saint and otherwise question your own sound judgment.

As for wanting to make things work well it takes two to do that and I don't think he wants to make it work for you. He may well simply be acting in his best interests here and acts like this too because he can do so. Look at his parents RoughPatchMum, do they behave like your H does?.

If your H is at heart controlling such men do not change. They simply ramp up the power and control antes over time.

We do have regular sex, that’s one part that is ok.

Atilla he is controlling but I didn’t mean in an abusive way, he doesn’t force me to do things or not let me do things - he encourages me to go out with my friends as he does with his - he just likes to be in control of situations whereas I’m much more easygoing. With the outing, the friends we’re going with are always late, so he’s annoyed that we’ll agree a time to meet and then probably wait around for them for half an hour, whereas if we’d each booked our own tickets we could go in and meet them in there. I see what he means but for me waiting around isn’t a big deal, whereas for him it’s infuriating.

Shots to you too. Relationships are hard some good tips on here though, really going to make the effort to spend time together tonight.

I know what you mean OP, my H huffs and puffs too if stuff gets out his control

"Atilla he is controlling but I didn’t mean in an abusive way, he doesn’t force me to do things or not let me do things - he encourages me to go out with my friends as he does with his - he just likes to be in control of situations whereas I’m much more easygoing".

What situations does he like to be in control of?.

You're an adult who is more than capable of making her own decisions. Wanting to be in control of situations is his issue for he to own and take responsibility for alone. Where has this come from re him, his parents? He has to deal with that himself and not make you at all responsible for that. If he was at all serious about this he would be seeing a therapist to discuss this matter.

Controlling behaviours stem from wanting power and control over others. You do not have a need to be in control but he does, why is that?. It says far more about him than it ever does or would do about you as a person.

If your friends are always late have you ever said anything to them about their lateness?. Its bad manners on their part apart from anything else.

Your H has to realise that he cannot control everything that goes on around him; he cannot influence other people's behaviours.

I hope that he and you manage to work something out and I hope he is as invested in wanting to make his marriage work as you are. I think you will know more soon enough.

The controlling behaviour could also stem from anxiety. I would feel similar about waiting for friends that are late for ho had my tickets as I hate being late and I would be worrying that I'm going to miss out. Maybe he gets anxious about things?

When we were in a relationship slump I had to make a conscious effort to be nice even though I felt like I hated my DH at times - sort of fake it till you make it. He responded so much more positively and became nicer himself. We talked about why we were arguing all the time and he felt got at and I felt taken for granted. We both tried a bit harder and things are much better. (Although not perfect) it can take time if you have gotten into bad habits. Stress and tiredness are relationship killers too.

He’s not controlling, you’re not a bad person, you both just need to get back in touch with each other.

Take some time to do so, fuck work. You only get one life, what do you want to look back on?

He’s being a bit ott with that but I’d be anxious in that situation and snipey so I get where he’s coming from. He doesn’t need to get at you about it though. You’re human and you aren’t his PA. If it’s an issue for him he can contact the friends and ask them to overnight your tickets to him. He can be proactive here. It doesn’t always have to be you taking on the mental load for this stuff