Changed my mind on children

[LinenBox]

When I met BF, he made it clear he was looking to settle down and have children. I already had three and had just come out of an awful marriage but I hadn’t ruled out having one more with the right person.

Fast forward several years and things have changed. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness that I’m still trying to recover from. This illness would mean a lot of monitoring for any pregnancy and could set my recovery back. I’m having major issues with my XH and my existing dc are not currently seeing him. Add to that, my middle dc has some major behavioural and MH problems and I’m fighting the system to get her help which isn’t forthcoming.

At one time I loved being a mother but all these circumstances and I just don’t feel cut out for it. I no longer enjoy it and I want to focus on the career that I was never able to pursue due to my abusive XH. I also want to spend some time on myself and do a bit of travelling once the kids are older. Also, with Brexit looming, I think it’s the wrong time to be adding more children when things could be about to get a lot harder.

At one point, I thought bf had come to terms with this but recently he has started bringing it up a lot and asking for compromise. I know this is hurting him deeply which hurts me too. I know he is thinking of ending our relationship but it’s not an easy decision as we are very well matched and agree that our relationship is the best and most functional either of us has been in. We have a holiday coming up soon and this is overshadowing that too.

I just don’t know what to do. I want to tell him what he wants to hear but it wouldn’t be fair but I’m mindful that the only reason we are together is because I told him I was open to having children. I feel stuck in limbo knowing he is mulling over his options.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How do you cope with it? What was the outcome for you?

I'll be interested to hear views on this as I'm in a similar position but within a newer relationship. It's such a difficult decision to make. I also have three children and my boyfriend has none. I would consider another but my eldest is 11 and youngest 4 and I also have some health problems. I worry that I'll change my mind a few years down the line.

There is no compromise, op. You would be the one carrying the baby, giving birth. Don't have another child for your partner. I would feel the same. I have 3 DC, my body is already damaged from 3 pregnancies and births and I can't wait to get back to full time hours at work.

I married my husband not wanting more children, he was younger with no children, I was 4 years older and a single parent to a teenager.
I made it clear I never wanted more, he said he would rather be with me without children.
We go married and split within 3 years. His want to have children got stronger my mind didn't change. It wasn't ultimately why we split but it was a big part of it and I felt so bad that he may miss out on that because of me.
We had a reasonably good relationship but it did mar things. Imo I'd you want such different things, especially as important as children/marriage then the relationship isn't working. I think some things can't be compramised on.

Circumstances change and you are allowed to change your mind. However, you haven’t changed your mind, you only said you were ‘open’ to the idea of having more and now you’re clear that you aren’t.

You made no promises and he ‘chose to stay’ knowing that there was a possibility of you deciding against having more children. Essentially, you both kicked the can into the long grass and now the time has come to make a decision.

As much as you love this man, having a child for someone else, especially when you have existing children in need of your attention, would be a terrible idea. I think you need to make your position very clear, having a child can never be a compromise.

Neither of you are wrong in wanting what you want but it would be disastrous for your relationship and your existing family, if you try and stay together with such a fundamental difference of opinion.

You neeyd to let him go and he needs to walk away.

Tell him straight up that you no longer want to have any children.

Let him go and find a woman he's able to have kids with. No stringing him along...be honest.

If the shoe was on the other foot...people would likely be saying he's strung you along and wasted your time.

You have a right not to want children and he has a right to want them.

It's not a matter of compromise. You can't have half a child.

He was clear what he wanted from the get go....I understand your health and other issues are now a factor.

Sit him down and let him know your decision is no more children.

The problem is, there is no compromise. Having kids is a binary, you either do or you don't. Your partner needs to decide what is more important to him - having a baby, or a relationship with you. I'm so sorry OP as this is very hard, and I hope things work out for you in the end xxx

He knows how I feel. I’ve told him and explained my reasons. Several months ago, he said he was making a huge sacrifice knowing he wouldn’t have any more children but that’s how much he loves me. I thought that was that. But more recently he’s been asking me to reconsider, would I ever change my mind, to compromise (I also said we can’t have half a child ) etc. He asked me what I’d do in his position and I said I’d probably leave. So there’s no stringing along.

What I’m finding difficult is sitting tight whilst he decides what to do. I would totally understand if he left. And I love him enough to let him go. But how do you act normal when there’s a huge elephant in the room? It’s overshadowing our whole relationship - he’s feeling insecure and I’m feeling distant and clingy at the same time. Under normal circumstances, we’re very easy in each other’s company so this is difficult. The holiday cost a lot of money but I’m half minded to cancel it because I don’t see how we’ll enjoy it knowing that this decision is being made.

I should mention he already has a child but he also wants one with me. There are other factors behind my decision like our different parenting styles, money, fear of having to go it alone again, but he’s an optimist and dismisses my worries. I’m a pessimist (or realist as I like to say) and I can’t just pretend it will be sunshine and roses.

I think I'd cancel the holiday (if you won't lose too much money) until he decides what to do.

Does he see his other child regularly?

I suspect he's thinking it through and wondering how long it would take to meet someone else and get to know them well enough to the point of having children.

One thing you don't want is for him to stay and when you have a row...he throws it in your face what a huge sacrifice he made.

I really wouldn't want anyone making such sacrifices to be with me. It can put you under pressure and even when you want to say something you bite your tongue.

How can you compromise on this? What he means is “can you just change your mind and do what I want instead of what you want?” If the answer to that question is No, then you need to tell him to shit or get off the pot. Either he can live without another kid or he can’t. If he won’t make up his mind then you’ll have to do it for him and end it. I wouldn’t want to live in limbo like that.

If he already has a child then it's not such a sacrifice in my opinion. If it's because he wants one with you then it's not about another child but about bonding you closer surely. Having a child would disrupt your life a lot more than it would him.

I always thought that if two people didn't agree on something like this then why do they stay together, it seemed simple to my naive mind.

But I've also stuck in the never-ending conversation but from the other end. DP and I have gone round and round and moved through all the different positions, both wanting them, both not wanting them, one wants, the other not and now seems stuck on him not and me saying 2 please. Some will say if you're not married, don't have x y or z then leave but this is the man I've spent half of my life with, we've lived together for a 1/3 of my life and are planning our future. I couldn't walk away from him, but not ready to give up on kids yet either.

Sorry OP, there is no easy answer. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Having a baby for SOMEONE ELSE is a HUGE mistake. You are the one who has to deal with everything, and you have made it very clear you do not want or need this massive added responsibility. It's time to come clean and end the relationship.

The balls in his court not yours but given his tactic to try and wear you down and guilt you into changing your mind, I’d make the decision for him.

The more you write about him the less I like the sound of him. He sounds like one of those men who likes the idea of having a child but will leave the responsibility to the woman (because they’re so much better at it then men are).

You know what you have to do OP, there’s no compromise here, only a future of resentment. Rip the plaster off and spare yourself the slow death of a relationship that has come to an end because of this fundamental difference of opinion.

You have bloody good reasons not to want another DC.

Even if you had no reasons, that you don't want another DC is good enough.

There is no compromise. Tell himanother child is not happening.

Make 100% sure of your contraception or consider more permanent sterilisation and tell him you are doing this.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Yes, he has a very good relationship with his son. Pays his child support, is flexible and helpful with childcare between him and ex, and looks after him 50/50. He’s an amazing father and if things were different, I wouldn’t hesitate to have him as the father of my children. But barring a miracle, my circumstances are as they are which means I just can’t consider it. But it would also be wrong of me to stop him pursuing that with someone else and I wouldn’t, couldn’t do that to him.

I know this isn’t an easy decision for him, he loves me and we have a really good relationship. I’m going to let him have time to come to terms with a decision and try be patient. I can’t make this about me when it’s not me having to wrestle the decision of what I’m willing to lose.

I’m glad I posted as it’s helped to realise what I need to do. And don’t worry, I have the coil so no chance of accidental pregnancy. He knows I would terminate an unplanned pregnancy anyway as we’ve discussed this many times.

What does he imagine a compromise would be? It’s your body and health under consideration here. If he is really desperate for another child, then it’s clear, you will have to split. But it won’t be a child with you.

'I should mention he already has a child but he also wants one with me. There are other factors behind my decision like our different parenting styles, money, fear of having to go it alone again, but he’s an optimist and dismisses my worries. '

No, he's dismissive of you, not just your worries. You could wind up permanently damaging your health, or worse, to be an incubator for his child, which is what he wants. He's also an idiot for not considering such things as money and different parenting styles. SO many relationships break down due to different parenting styles and money.

He's being selfish.

You need to end this.

Slightly different circumstances as I couldn't have children. I had two longish term relationships with men who I knew wanted children. They were aware I couldn't have any and in each case the relationships ended and they subsequently left and married and had children.

As sad as it is you have to be honest and let him go.

The fact that he'd expect you to struggle through a pregnancy, not to mention having to look after a baby, with a chronic health condition is a bit off, does he take your condition seriously?

If you don't have a child together, then him wanting you to 'compromise' must mean him wanting you to have his child; which isn't a compromise, if that's not what you want

Like a pp said, you cannot compromise on having a child.