I’ve nc as I feel dreadful saying this....but I feel so ashamed of my family. It sounds silly to say, but watching the current BBC programme ‘Generation Gifted’ has touched on some very uncomfortable feelings about growing up in an unsupportive and financially challenged home.
I grew up in a fairly toxic environment: parents had frequent arguments that turned violent, and constant money worries.
As the eldest of four, I grew up feeling incredibly anxious about money and felt different and isolated.
We lived in a tiny 2 bed house, at one time with 4 kids in one room. I remember wanting a room/space of my own so much! We weren’t allowed to bring friends home as Mum felt ashamed of the house.
The family arguments and the violence was something that we just didn’t talk about outside the home. Again, too shameful.
Parents were full of a lot of empty talk (though I didn’t realise it at the time): on Sundays, we went for a drive to look at houses/estate agent particular (for houses that we could never realistically afford), or to look at cars (again, that we could never afford). As a child, it all felt so near - but so far.
Going into my teens, the feeling of isolation and difference sharpened. At the age of 14, I became bulimic.
At the beginning, it was a form of ‘control’ - I had no control over external factors, but I could control what I ate. I also threw myself into my academic studies. I wanted something more.
Growing up, I recall feeling tremendously driven to achieve (financially). It really was a case of thinking...if I can do well, I can help all my family to do better too. I just wanted to ‘make something of myself’.
Looking back, I know my parents wanted more financially but their way of living was so chaotic that it could never have happened. There were so many poor decisions, with Lots of situations being left to literally hit a wall before anything was done (if at all).
No encouragement about going to university. (I was the first in my family to do so).
This sense of total insecurity over money and the feeling of lurching from one disaster to the next has never left me.
To cut a long story short - the next few years after leaving home for university were hard, both personally and financially.
I was in a ltr with someone who was violent and although my parents knew broadly what was happening, their attitude was that they didn’t want to get involved.
I was too scared to leave the relationship as I was worried about coping on my own financially. Eventually I did, but I only married my now husband aged 40. He is lovely.
Financially, I’ve done very well for myself, both independently and through marriage.
I love my husband, but it is true to say that his stability - both in financial terms and having a stable loving family - is hugely attractive to me. We now have a beautiful baby and I am so, so thankful.
But I still feel such tremendous feelings of shame about the way I was brought up and the fact that whilst I have moved on, my family feel very different.
My husband’s family are so normal, nice and appreciative. They seem to like me and see that I work hard to create a loving family life for their son.
I feel ‘at home’ with them.
In contrast, my own family is still lurching along. Despite having tried to help them financially, they are still making poor decisions and are resentful of my seeming good luck (and don’t realise the effort that has gone into it). But money aside, it’s the difference in outlook I just don’t understand.
They are quick to take and are open to financial favour but are scathing of me. It hurts.
I’ve never told my husband about the violence or the bulimia while I’m growing up. I’m just too ashamed.