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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this relationship doomed from the start?

23 replies

user1490465531 · 27/02/2018 09:07

I've just started seeing a great guy I'm 39 this year and he's a couple of years younger.
The only problem is he's expressed hes looking to settle down and I know that includes kids in the future.
Although I know I'm looking way into the future realistically it's probably not possible for me to have more kids because of my
age although I already have a 10 yr old dd.
Im really falling for this guy and even though it's early days I don't really want to continue if ultimately it's doomed as I'm looking to settle down myself.
He's not mentioned the age thing but he must realise that at my age kids are not going to be on the agenda.

OP posts:

InDubiousBattle · 27/02/2018 09:10

You have to tell him that you won't be having anymore children. If he wants them then yes, I'm afraid it is doomed, sorry. I think it's pretty much the biggest deal beaker is it not?

Joysmum · 27/02/2018 09:10

Have you mentioned kids are off the cards for you?

claraschu · 27/02/2018 09:13

Do you know for sure that you don't want more children? I know quite a few people who have had kids at well over 40, so if I were him (or you) I wouldn't assume that you were not going to have kids because of your age.

Original poster

user1490465531 · 27/02/2018 09:15

we haven't spoke about it really but it's always in the back of my mind.
I would have another baby but because of my age not sure it's possible.
It's so annoying as he's the first man in a long time I've felt happy with.

OP posts:

pictish · 27/02/2018 09:22

Well surely the thing to do is discuss it?

You can have another baby at your age...not that I’m saying you should, just that you can.
If you don’t want to but he wants kids then there’s no point in going on with the relationship is there?

It’s important. Talk fgs.

Original poster

user1490465531 · 27/02/2018 09:24

it's just a heavy conversation to have for a fairly new relationship.

OP posts:

PJsAndABlanketOnTheSofa · 27/02/2018 09:49

Well you know him well enough to know that he wants to settle down and sees children in his future.

I think you need to tell him that you don't.

MrsElvis · 27/02/2018 09:51

It's very possible he has NOT realised kids are not an option. It's a dealbreaker so he needs telling before you get any deeper

lubeybooby · 27/02/2018 09:53

If you already know he wants kids then it's fine to have the conversation, do it sooner rather than later then neither of you waste any time

Joysmum · 27/02/2018 09:57

it's just a heavy conversation to have for a fairly new relationship

And would be so much heavier once he’s emotionally invested in you and you didn’t put him tight knowing full well he wants kids.

It doesn’t have to be a full on conversation, you could say you’re looking forward to when your child is more independent so you get your life back, or comment about those who chose to have kids younger or older. He’ll know your feeling then.

Original poster

user1490465531 · 27/02/2018 10:01

well to be honest with the right man I would have a baby just age wise is it possible? I know fertility declines after 35

OP posts:

PJsAndABlanketOnTheSofa · 27/02/2018 10:02

I don't really understand why it's a difficult conversation.

Do you ever mention your child? That would be an ideal time.

e.g. "she is brilliant, and I love her to bits, but I won't be having any more!" is an easy thing to say.

KatieBelles · 27/02/2018 10:03

I know people who had their first at 40. It won't be easy and might not be possible but it could also be fine.

PJsAndABlanketOnTheSofa · 27/02/2018 10:05

x post

Of course it's possible. It's not guaranteed but then it's not guaranteed at any age. Just have a conversation.

pinkdonkey · 27/02/2018 10:12

I have friends who have had babies easily in their 40s and others like me who are struggling to conceive in our 30s, it's very individual. I think that you need to have a chat where you explain to him that you know he wants children in the future and you are not against the idea, but that fertility could be an issue. It's also worth knowing that as you already have a DC you as a couple wouldn't be eligible for IVF on the NHS. Give him the info and put the ball in his court. There's also a test you can have that will tell you what your ovarian reserve is like (how many eggs are left) it doesn't tell you their quality (which also affects fertility and declines with age) but it gives you a bit more info to go on. Also egg donation and IVF could be an option if you could afford it and decided you really wanted to go down that route and then adoption could be another option. There are options out there but it's worth putting him in the picture now for both your sakes.

Original poster

user1490465531 · 27/02/2018 10:14

My periods are regular heard that's a good sign.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1490465531 · 27/02/2018 10:14

Wouldn't want to adopt.

OP posts:

Aprilmightmemynewname · 27/02/2018 10:21

When I met dh he had no dc and I was 41. We had ds at 43. You are being unfair as much to yourself to get in deeper before 'the chat'.

LesisMiserable · 27/02/2018 10:33

Has he actually expressed an interest in having a child of his own? In my experience, men who date women older than them of a certain age (my dh included - six year age gap) do that because they're not necessarily looking to have their own children but are happy to be part of a family unit. So unless he's expressly said he wants his own child, I don't see an issue

user1486956786 · 27/02/2018 10:40

If you would want to have another child in the future with him (if physically possible) then there is no issue. I'm sure he's well aware it may be harder / not possible.

If you simply didn't want anymore kids and you knew he definitely did then it would be different.

Original poster

user1490465531 · 27/02/2018 10:56

he has said he wants kids.
it would be hard for me to go back to baby stage now my dd is ten and basically I'm emotionally drained as bought her up alone for ten years.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1490465531 · 27/02/2018 10:57

But I would hate to loose him over this.
it's so hard.

OP posts:

Chocolate123 · 27/02/2018 10:59

I've always been upfront about no more kids. It doesn't have to be a deep conversation just say it. Better now than down the line.

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