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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

C88T of the universe is back - must be full moon!

8 replies

greenberet · 27/02/2018 04:10

Yep one coming up 1 march!

Not been on here for a while - oh at least a month - trying to get out of
this fucking game but The C has reared his head and here we are!

He has been upgraded from the "X" to "The C" - just have to remember not to refer to him as this when talking out loud!

I have decided what goes on needs to be out there - out in the universe for Karma to do its stuff - if it's in my head my universe it fucks me up -if it's out there in his universe hopefully he gets the full force back .... someday?

I have been in a bit of a black hole - or with the black dog - depression took a bashing January and felt like I had gone back 20 years - to when I was diagnosed with PTSD after traumatic work events. Women's Aid have told me I am likely suffering with this again - I've been speaking to them a lot as really they are the only ones that get this - apart from some lovely ladies on here -

Funny I was being assessed yesterday for more counselling. Today is The C's contact time - you know the contact time that he MUST have every Tuesday & EOW - the contact time that he threatened me with court over - because I was trying to stop him seeing his kids - you know these kids that are his priority!

Well he is not seeing them tonight because he wants to be in Sheffield with OW and her kids - because it suits him like this - he's been trying to change the contact to this for a while now because the odd Tuesday mucks up his plans - we had the little game a while back you know we'll try a week on week off - except his week off was cos he was where - yep Sheffield? Can't ask me outright you see because I'll say no - kids are priority remember and so we have to play guess what's coming next all the bloody time! So did he tell me? Nope! Did the kids tell me? Nope! Found out after a throw away comment made to DD yesterday - when did she know? Last Tuesday! Why did she not tell me ? She forgot!

DS? He doesn't know why he didn't tell me - probably because I would lose my shit and yep I did!

So here I am - oh and in January just so you get this we had "The C" going for mandatory reconsideration on CM. they have Used the wrong tax year for income and guess what? He has the kids for more nights than they have got him down for so The C must have used their online calculator to work out how much he SHOULD be paying me because they have obviously got it wrong! Well actually no they haven't they are sticking by their decision - so cough up the fucking £600 you owe me for February! And let me know if we're taking this to court - kinda missing this fucking farce!

And if you want to join in the game just vote why Dd needed to go to the GP (early Weds morning which just happened to be Valentine's Day) because she was throwing up during his contact - was it to a)Undermine my parenting?, b)scupper my plans by bringing kids back early, C) over dramatic dad or as someone suggested d)cos he missed me and wanted to see me Valentine's Day for old times sake?

Total waste of GPs time - Dd has always thrown up whenever she gets a cold - this is her thing!

So I'm not really sure where I'm going with this - but had to get it out my head - I don't give a stuff about whether he sees kids or not - I give a stuff that he does not pay and I give a stuff that kids still do not communicate with me properly -this was reason marriage broke down - The C cannot communicate about 'feelings' - anyway enough on him - he can get back in his box - I'll play a different game now - sooooooo bored of this one!

It upsets me the kids still don't get why it upsets me when they do not communicate - I gave them a little taster of what this was like - not deliberately - well nearly but changed my mind - but universe intervened and all hell broke lose - maybe need to go up a level - it is not acceptable to forget or avoid - you have to face it head on and this removes any conflict - creates an opportunity to compromise -
how do I teach them this?

Anyway I feel I can go back to sleep now - my bit done - over to you Karma

(Translation - I'm angry, fucking angry but trying to not let this absorb me - I Am Going to beat this! )

OP posts:
LurkingFather · 27/02/2018 04:46

I can get why you are pissed off with him, but for my life I do not understand why you are pissed off with the kids.

Frankly it is not their role or duty to act as intermediaries. Ever

FourPillars · 27/02/2018 05:44

What???
Your DC should be your intermediaries, and when they're not you get angry at them?
Completely unfair, your anger is directed at the wrong people. It's not your DC's fault that your relationship with their DF broke down.
Reassess your priorities.

TheLegendOfBeans · 27/02/2018 05:50

You sound unhinged.

Oilyoilyoilgob · 27/02/2018 06:01

Sorry I’ve not read all of your posts on here.
You sound unwell, i don’t mean that nastily but I think you need professional help.
I hope you receive it and get help and compassion looking after yourself and your mental health.

jayne1044 · 27/02/2018 06:37

He’s messing with your head and your letting him. While doing this he is also trying to ruin the relationship you have with your DC.

Don’t let him!!

I know how it feels it’s not pleasant. I’ve been on the receiving end of quite a few mind games this past year. It can make you act out of character. But you have to see through it and kind of expect it don’t let him win. Rise above it always have a contingency plan.

How you communicate with your children is down to you don’t let him dictate that. Be gentle with them they sound like they are worried about how you may react to being let down by him. So try to hide this reaction vent on here , but always be calm in front of DC this will reassure them they can talk about anything.

How your children communicate with you is largely based on how you react.

Don’t ever assume he will do what he says he is going to. Always have a back up plan.

A dear friend reminded me that my Dx was a manipulative shit when we were together at what point after we separated did I think he was going to be reasonable.

greenberet · 27/02/2018 08:45

thanks for the replies - @jayne1044 thanks for understanding

my "kids" are going to be 17 - they are not babies - and yes I get it they are not meant to act as intermediaries - but their DF is a C**T - he refuses to communicate with me and if they do not communicate with me how the hell am i supposed to know what is going on - I am not a mind reader - my back posts give a long history of an extremely acrimonious divorce.

i dont blame them for the relationship I had/ have with their DF but their lack of being able to communicate with me affects my relationship with them.

Yes sometimes I lose my shit - anyone been through what ive been through will fully get this - I spent an hr yesterday going over old ground - ground that i want to put behind me and then i read on here about the DM who supported her kids single handedly and at 19 can no longer afford to do so - her X now paying maintenance after many years of not paying is still manipulating his kids and abusing them by the lies he peddles about their DM - I have support until the kids get to 18 - another 15 months what happens after then who the fuck knows.

yes I know he wants to ruin the relationship I have with them - DD has nothing to do with OW and so this is my fault for filling her head with shite - my DD has her own mind as I know so well!

yes I have MH problems - yes I am fucked off to the fucking fucked off place - unhinged? - no! angry? -yes - sick and tired of fighting battles that I paid to have fought for me by professionals who also ripped me off - I have full medical support!

you know Jayne you say always have a contigency plan - how many times did i say to legals - he is going to do this - we need to do that - did they beleive me - like fuck they did - just screwed me over too -

my kids have to learn that sometimes they will have to deal with situations they do not like - they have an aversion to shouting - i know this - because there was no conflict in this house up until X decided to bugger off - he controlled - i adjusted to fit in - they see quiet as being everything is ok - quiet is everything shoved under the surface ready to explode - arguments can be healthy - it creates a chance to talk about frustrations etc -to reach some sort of compromise - quiet is no bloody use to anyone - being scared to speak incase you don't like the outcome is no use to anyone either - you end up self - fullfilling your own prophecy - communication is the only way and sometimes this can be painful but you have to face it to move forward.

ive been protecting my kids as best I can - but I have been to hell and back and sometimes im still there - ive been going through this shite for 4 years - how long is it going to take me to get back to "normal" whatever normal is! - everytime i turn a corner - there he is - one day I will be free!

will the kids ever be free - not unless they stand up to the fucker and see him for what he is - but he bribes them - financially - just like his own fucking father!

Im sick of having to have back up plans - stop second guessing what he may or may not do - my legals told me - yes we understand narcisstic abuse - like fucking hell you did! they didnt have a plan A other than to swell their own bank account - never mind a plan b.

Rant over

OP posts:
jayne1044 · 27/02/2018 11:33

Hope you feel better after your rant!

You’re fighting a losing battle getting angry at a narcissist they feed off that.

Btw most people have an aversion to shouting.

But by all means rant on here all you want if it helps get it all out.

Sad reality some people are just plain c*nts, tw*ts etc.

God knows I’ve fell victim a fair few times it’s frustrating, makes you angry and want to scream at the top of your voice.

But once you get your act together and act calm don’t react the they don’t know what to do it un-nerves them.

Cricrichan · 27/02/2018 11:40

Don't get angry at the kids. They're 17 so it's not like you need childcare for them. If their father cancels then it won't affect you.

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