emotional abuse in marriage driving me nuts

[canthisbechanged]

dh gets angry if I express my feelings / concern or complaint. No matter how reasonable and normal it is, he doesn't what to hear. When I call out on that he gets very angry. He would asks me to repeat with a very stern look and voice. Would call me petty, short-fused, walk out with his own interpretation (oh, so what you are saying is....and then go on and on even if I try to explain that's not what I was saying). React without letting me finish what I am saying, again misinterpreting my intentions, label me (demanding, not understanding, too sensitive, bad attitude, drama, fake caring, he can't handle me, maybe others can but he can't), call our marriage horrible, hint at separating, or threaten divorce, get even more mad if I am crying. Rarely apologise, give me silent treatment. Few times made snide remarks about my upbringing, called my mum selfish for being careless. My mum treats him with a lot of respect and kindness. Though he told me he regretted saying that because he really likes my mum. I have a feeling he thinks his family is superior than mine. They are all very proud of their family sticking up for each other (very enmeshed with passive aggressiveness but no open conflicts).
Strange thing is after these fights, in normal times would tell me I am the best thing happened to him, he is proud of me, would never want to lose me. But in fight tells me I don't have any other relations going on (which is true to some extent but mostly because I am not from here and don't work, my family can be practically v supportive but maintain a distance ) but he says in very mean way to prove a point that he is better than me. In normal times, he says I am too nice to people, they take advantage of that etc.
He is averse to any complain and perceive it as criticism.
I think I have started to feel depressed, I came here on spouse visa and from the beginning he was like this. I could not focus enough to find a job.
He promised to work on marriage but then changed his mind. He had a few moments of self awareness. Accepted that he has not been fair to me and that he feels bad about it. He blamed his ex for that. She was narcissistic.
He finally went to individual therapy which he liked, said he can see things from my point of view. But then one day got very upset with me and again threatened divorce and said many harsh things.
Since then he blames me for his anger and that he was genuinely trying and I wasn't.
Wanted to end our marriage but never took any action. Few days later, I told him I will make more efforts. I have a lot of resentment now.
A month later told me how lucky he is to have me in his life. I really get so confused.
He has some positives too , he did try to encourage me to find a job or start a business. Flexible with food etc. if in good mood. But overall very disrespectful in disagreements.
Recently I was a little upset, and he got really angry with me and have said all sorts of things including I should leave, closed door on my face. Then suddenly sent me flowers for valentine's day while still not talking. When I tried to talk, got mad at me. Said he just flowers because he is not a monster. Told me he was serious about us separating as we are compatible. Blamed me for all his stresses and problems. Was arguing with me like a lawyer, really nit-picking rather than understanding. Said he doesn't start the fight.
Yesterday I went to talk to him. I said I can go back for some time to clear mind. He has told me taking a break won't change anything (this was his idea few weeks ago). He has suggested i should try to find a job as this will solve most of our problems as I have too much time to think. Once he sees we go on for a month without me getting upset then he will see what he has to do. When I told him he would need to work on his issues too, he got upset that I am arguing and that now he has no hope and I should go back.
This morning he left medicine by my bed-side. I was sick last night.
Yesterday he asked me to not cook and got his grocery. So this evening I didn't cook. After work, he came home, cooked dinner for both of us. Asked me if I took medicine.
What I am really surprised that he is proceeding with a house purchase which is in really early stage. He is not from UK and was only buying house for us to live there. Even told me last week (in fight) that he gets worried if something happens to marriage, he will have an additional pain of getting rid of the house. He is British citizen but originally from US and has plan to go back in a few years.
Sorry this post is quite long. I am very confused and I feel I have completely ruined my life. I have a very unstable, emotionally abusive marriage, no career, no support and I am not very young.
I was thinking of going back to my country because if I don't he will always tell me he wanted to end but I didn't go. On the other hand, I feel I should try to somehow find a job and a therapist here. But I feel I have no strength left in me.
Please don't suggest me to call women aid. Dh had very very bad childhood and stressful personal life before. I would never want to destroy him. His mum raised him seeing world as a very dangerous place with people not so trustworthy. So it's not his fault he thinks in extremes.
Any suggestion son how I can rebuild my life from this point? Thanks in advance.

What is your status in your current country of residence? Do you have citizenship and thus are entitled to benefits?

Its his choice to act like this towards you. Please don't excuse all this on a bad childhood.

Get out as quickly as you can; if he says he wants to end it then good. Lucky escape. He's not going to change.

Where are you from?
Go home.
He won’t change.

He said he regrets talking about your mum like that because he likes her. Using that logic he doesn't regret talking to you like that and does it over and over because he doesn't like you. He won't change. He's an abuser and you're his victim. I'd look into leaving this toxic mess.

What do you get out of this relationship?.

You are giving him far more consideration than he deserves (he has shown you no consideration here whatsoever).

Why can't people suggest that you call Womens Aid?. What is your objection here?.

He is more than happy to take you down with him into his pit.
Do not excuse his actions towards you simply on a bad childhood, many people do not have ideal childhoods either and choose to treat their partner respectfully in marriage. Such men like you describe hate women, all of them. You need to divorce this man because your own recovery from his abuses of you will only start on separating from him.

Plenty of people have horrible childhoods and don't go on to abuse their partner.

He is treating you like this bcs he is training you to SHUT UP and be completely compliant. This is what he wants, and why he is nice and nasty to keep you unstable and wobbly so you are confused and don't know what is going on.

I very much doubt his ex was a narcissist. Your partner is an abuser.

Do you have family and a life back where you are from? Your partner will NEVER change. He is an abuser and will not change.

Contacting women’s aid won’t destroy your DH. They are there to offer you support and help and offer guidance. They know where you can find a therapist for example and what rights you will have.

You are turning yourself inside out to understand his behaviour no clutching at the times when he behaves like a reasonable person as proof of his affection and his worth. The truth is he is a bully and he doesn't give a shit.

As long as your aim is to protect your partner you will continue to be abused. He abuses you bcs this is what he wants to do.

It is not his childhood that makes him an abuser. He blames his childhood, his parents, his ex, now you. He has no intention of taking responsibility for his behaviour. His intention is to blame.

The emotional abuse you describe is severe. Most abusers are more subtle but he is blatant.

Read this book to understand why he does what he does.

He will never change. As long as you want to protect him you will continue to be abused. It's as simple as that.

Thanks everyone for your response.
His issues are far more complex than him wanting to abuse. His mum, who herself was treated really bad in marriage, has very old school views on marriage. She never left their dad. Treated him with a lot of respect and importance. They don’t trust outside world.
Maybe it was a way to cope up. She still talks very openly about her views on everything including marriage. A wife has to take care of husband’s needs, be thoughtful about him as he goes to work. One time he was travelling and I just casually mentioned to his mum I was missing him, she told me but he has a job to do. I wasn’t saying that he should leave his job and sit by my side. But her interpretation was that I was not thoughtful. Dh said something similar in early days of our marriage when I told him I am going to miss him. Later he said I don’t understand he has pressure. He is ashamed of his past and thinks it caused his family pain too. He used to let them get over involved in his personal matters including our marriage. We married late. His family indirectly put a lot of pressure on him. Like talking about starting a family from first week of our marriage. He thinks they say out of concern but it did add pressure to him which he used to take out on me if I behave a little different from their idea of a wife. E.g. telling his I will
Miss you or any feelings or normal complaints. He always had this attitude that he has too much to do. Like life milestone. By certain age, marriage, kids, house, planning for retirement. His family used to talk about this quite a bit, not directly but a lot of conversations about these topics. E.g becoming parents after 40 means not having enough energy, etc. Which is true but what can you do if you get married late. People are a lot more fitter in their 40s than they were 30 years ago. Dh said he wouldn’t want to be 60 when kid starts college. He told me people don’t realise I have a job to do. In his family, they never talk about feelings and never communicates upset openly.
Dh doesn’t talk about his thoughts and feelings. That’s the way his family is too. He talks a lot of about stress from work, driving, people being rude. He tends to look at things with negativity. He spends all his time in work, and in spare time like to watch sports, news.
He had no one to tell him or read to know that a wife talking to husband about how she felt is normal. It’s normal to get upset sometimes.
He sees happy couple and thinks they never get upset or complain.
I am in U.K. on dependant visa. I can apply for citizenship next year. But not sure if I want to. I don’t have friends and family here. My family is v small. My sister and I don’t talk much. It’s only my mum and aunt. They are from different culture and don’t know how to emotionally support. Are very supportive in practical ways.
I really don’t know what to do. I love him but can’t take this controlling behaviour any more. Sometimes I think if I have a career, I will be more confident and will be able to demand more respect. But I am too stressed. I really don’t know what to do.

Most of what you said is all about him, his needs, likes, dislikes, his family. What about you? Your needs? You count. He sure as hell isnt spending the same time thinking about you and what you need.

So many people have difficult upbringings ranging from a bit tricky to down right shockingly abusive. I know of people who have really suffered but they don’t treat others like crap.

My advice would be to spend less of your energy trying to explain away his shitty behaviour and spend the time thinking about how to make you happy. I suspect that staying with him won’t do this. Wouldn’t surprise me if he gets worse as he gets older. Do you really want to be stuck with him for the rest of your life. He won’t change.

I hope things improve for you.

You say you don't know what to do.

Read the book suggested above.

Contact your local Women's Aid

Do the Freedom Programme

Resolving this won't happen overnight. You need to research and inch your way forward.

Please don't think your husband is different to other abusers. He really isn't, regardless of the reasons. All of us have stories about why our abusive husbands abused.

Tell him you want to go and see your mum..Then you'll look for a job when you get back.

You need some time apart.

His mood changes do rapidly..it's like he has a mental health disorder.

I don't know how you live like that.

Thanks everyone for your replies. There've been too many insults, threats. I agree, I really need to think about my own well-being. Thanks for your support.