Relying on friends - do I expect too much?

[Melly19]

I am going through a very difficult time at the moment (not going into masses of detail but am basically facing three life changing things at once, through no fault of my own and mainly focused around my DH). My parents are ill and my sibling is distant with us so I can't talk to them either.

I live in a big city, two of my close friends live across the other side and have families and their own things to deal with, a third is in a couple and lives outside my city.

The week my issues all kicked off, they were all on the phone to me and provided a lot of support. Two also spent time seeing me for a few hours each (one off).

But that was a month ago and since then I've had a 2 calls and a couple of texts between them.

I don't expect anyone to drop everything for me, especially the ones with kids, but I find it very hard to respond to texts and talk about such massive issues in a few characters. And the person without children didn't contact me in weeks which surprised me most of all. I don't want to contact my friends as i feel I'm being a burden.

I just would like a bit more support as this is the biggest thing I have ever been through, am I being unreasonable though? Any thoughts (please be diplomatic, I don't mind being told I am being overly needy but please be polite)?

Really sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Your friends would probably be mortified if they thought they weren’t being supportive, given their initial reaction. I’m afraid if people are busy it can be “out of sight, out of mind” - not at all maliciously.

If they are really good friends be honest with them. Tell them you’re still having a tough time and could they spare some time to meet up with you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

I think sometimes when we’re wading through jelly like air our world becomes very small. The people supporting us might go into their own personal jelly and it’s hard to find the edges. It doesn’t cross minds to check in while we’re wrapped in our own shit.

My friends for eg know that I deal with my own crisis situations and when I’m ready I’ll round up the troops specifically to blow off steam and have a damned good laugh. No moaning allowed. That’s how I roll.

Tell your friends you would love some company. Don’t assume their lives are carefree and they don’t care.

No, I don't think you're being too needy at all. My close friends all have stuff like ill parents, job pressures, dc, etc to deal with. We usually just text something like 'could do with a chat...I'm around tomorrow if you're up for a call'. It seems odd to book in phonecalls but it works. Reach out!

Hi lovely. Please ask your friends if you want support. It's sometimes hard to realise when a friend needs help unless they tell you and other times you're unsure if they want you there. Hope everything is ok for you very soon x

You're not being overly needy at all - in fact it sound s like you're not being needy enough! They are obviously good friends if they supported you in the first week and came to visit.
However people have busy lives. You don't know what else might have been happening in their lives recently. Just keep contacting them and asking for help. If I was your friend I would do anything I can to help - but with 2 children, a job, a house renovation, an ill relative etc, my time is limited and I get easily distracted. Who knows, they may have 5 other friends going through tough times too?
True friends won't think you are needy, they will want to help. But they are not mind readers.

I mean this kindly but you need to shake off the 'being a burden' thing. There is a huge difference between telling friends about your problems once (which it seems you did) and contacting them every day with self pitying messages (which likely would be a burden).

People have busy lives and as PP said out of sight out of mind. From your friends initial reaction they clearly care for you. Give them the opportunity to step up, reach out when you need to, tell them you're finding things tough and would like to meet for a coffee/phone call/whatever would help you.

Good luck OP

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. I also find that friendships are much harder when you get older because people have so much going on in their lives and so much less to give. Sometimes when my friends are going through a tough time, I want to be there for them more and I would have been if I were at a different time in my life but because I have my own things going on, I don't want to intrude too much either. So I guess what I'm saying is because people have so much less mental space with all that's going on in their lives (at least I know I do!), sometimes if you need support from them, the best thing to do is to explicitly ask? I know you already feel like you're being a burden and you don't want to say specifically "I need your support, please can we meet up" or constantly be messaging the person who hasn't contacted you in weeks but please do give them the benefit of the doubt as they may want to get in touch or offer help but just don't know how. The best thing to do may just be to ask explicitly for the support that you need. And when you explicitly ask for help you may be surprised by how they all rally!

I think you have to ask for what you need.

People react to things in different ways.

Personally if I’m going through something big and stressful I deliberately don’t tell anyone because I don’t want the burden of daily calls and questions.

Other people want constant reassurance.

Neither way is wrong just different.

Your friends might be like me and giving you space because that’s what they’d want.

And as PP has said they might have their own problems going on too (which you might not be aware of, even my best friends never find out about my issues until after I’ve fixed them)

If you need them reach out and ask.

I hope things get better soon.

@Melly19

Maybe do a name change and do a post on here saying what's on your mind? MN might be able to support you as well?

Thanks everyone for such lovely comments, you're absolutely right, I have to say it never occurred to me that they may be giving me space too!

And yes, they are the sort who prefer not to talk loads when they are going through tough times, so it makes sense that they might think I want the same (and sometimes I guess I do).

I think I'm a little sensitive as when I was going through a hard time a few years back (in comparison to what I'm going through now, it was a walk in the park) one of them said she felt quite stressed out as a couple of her other friends were struggling at the same time. I took it to be a hint that maybe I'd been a bit needy I suppose.

Anyway, I'm going to try a strike a balance between getting on with things on my own and calling them if I need to. Thanks so much again.

Glad you are feeling a bit better Melly.

I should have said that even though I don’t want lots of support myself I’m happy to offer it to friends who do need it.

Hope things are better for you soon.

Something like this happened to me a few years ago. I was going through a hard time and confided in a friend. I was very low and there was nothing she could do to help. Didn't hear from her for months after that. I just think she couldn't cope with how upset I was and felt overwhelmed by my emotion. It certainly taught me a valuable lesson about how much to expect from others.

Although we like to think we can all help and support our friends, sometimes it is simply too much for them to see our burden/distress and know they can't do something to help. Perhaps you could phone The Samaritans when you feel really down?

Thanks Cavender!

And thank you littletinyme1, I have to say I got that feeling from one of my friends, they didn't know what to say or do when I told them, which is fair enough because a lot of the time I don't know what to say or do either!

And yes, the hardest part is realising we really are alone ultimately. No one's fault, it is just life.

I am trying to get some counselling but due to money worries now, I need to wait for NHS. Hopefully it will start in a few weeks.

I hope things are better for you now.