I've had three sexually abusive partners over the years, none of whom took no for an answer. Most of it is unresolved even though the last time this happened was before my current DP a few years back, although I am seeing a counsellor right now to work through it.
When DP and I first got together, he knew of my past. Things were easy with him. He always picked up on when I was uncomfortable and he just knew to stop. I trusted him completely. Sometimes when I freaked out during sex and he didn't pick up on it, I'd tell him and he would stop straight away and then either comfort me or give me space depending on what I needed. He never resented me needing to stop part way through and I knew I could always trust him to be okay with it unlike my exes.
Lately our relationship has gone downhill. We've been arguing so much and we are just not in a good place. Last night we had sex and I freaked out. But instead of saying something and us stopping I panicked completely and didn't feel able to tell him so I didn't say anything and then burst into tears afterwards and lied to him that I was crying due to physical pain (he knows my joint condition is bad right now) rather than because of the sex.
I never wanted this to happen with him. He was the one person I love completely and who I felt totally comfortable with sex wise and felt able to say no to. I think part of the issue is how bad we've been lately and part of the issue is me trying to deal with my past trauma in counselling.
Part of me feels I've lost my best friend. We've stopped listening to each other and just spend all the time arguing. Quite often as well we will talk after calming down and we'd have both been trying to argue the same point but because of how had communication has become we're just not properly listening to each other.
I don't know how to resolve this. I know my best friend is in their somewhere. How do we start listening to each other properly again? How do we work on the sex front too? I know I'd feel really upset if DP had freaked out and I'd carried on and not picked up on it. I don't want to feel I can't talk to him about it and I don't want to revert back to panicking about sex again.