How to tell the DC

[Notmyactualname]

In the very earlier stages of our marriage coming to an end. Still living together and I’m not entirely sure of DH’s intentions but I’m fairly sure he will be moving out soon.

The thing that is causing me the most stress is the DC. They are the reason I have made my mind up about our situation - I don’t want them growing up thinking this is how a marriage works. They’ve also been witness to arguments and DH calling me dreadful names so I know it’s the right thing for them in the long run, but I’m looking for advice on how to minimise the stress of an actual breakup.

How should I/we tell them? Should they be here when DH moves out, and if not, should I take them out, take them to a realitives/friends...

I keep trying to walk it through in my mind but I just keep seeing how devastated they will be

Has anyone been through this and can offer any advice?

How old are your DC?
It's not easy.
I would suggest you do it together.
Let them know it's nothing they have done.
You both love them just as much as you always have.
My DD was 10, nearly 11 when we told her.
It's horrible but kids are quite resilient.
If young then the added, ohhh... you get 2 lots of presents, 2 birthdays etc... might soften the blow a bit???

Very well done on ending and realising it's for the best and that DC should not be around this kind of relationship.

I have been through this and it truly was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I would wait until you both know what is going to happen in terms of the practical situation, i.e. where dad will live, how far away, what does that mean for them in terms of where they will spend their time. As soon as you know that (or have a vague idea), tell them then. Kids are not daft and they will pick up everything that is going on in the house. They sooner they have concrete information, the quicker they can come to terms with it and make sense of it. If you can be civil and have a united approach to telling the kids, I would tell them together so that you can both give them reassurance. Please don't do it in front of anyone else, they need space to let their emotions out and it could make it so much worse for them if they don't feel they can do that.

Do not let them be in the house when he is packing his belongings.

I would tell them on the same day that he leaves though.

Tell them together and answer all questions honestly.

But only do this if you are both going to be sensible about it in front of the children.

Thank you for replying. They are 12, 9 and 6.

Ah.... in that case they will know why things are ending.
They will have been witness to all sorts and may be relieved when you tell them.
It will still totally rock their world though.
So be honest with them when they ask questions.
How is money? Could you afford counselling for them?
Also ensure you tell the schools. They may have counsellors in place for this sort of scenario.

It's the worst cnversation you will ever have to have. Sorry.
But they recover. One year on and my two (13/15) are fine with the whole situation and we are all happier.

We decided to split in the January, we told them in the March once everything was sorted, two weeks before he left. That seemed to be about the right amount of time.

He packed and left during the day when they wree at school, and I planned their favourite meal that night, and they visited him in his new house the next day.

Don't be dishonest, but don't tell them everything. Tehy dont; ast this stage need to know every detail of how a realtionhsip breaks down, just that it has, that you don't want to be together any more, but that you still both very much want to be their parents. And tell tem all the practical details about what that will look like, and also say that you can all be flexible about creating a future which works for everyone.

Tell them who else knows - especially if you have friends who have kids that they are friends with. And do tell school and tell them that their teachers know if they want to talk about it there.

Mine both asked to go to their rooms afterwards, and that afternoon both had separate chats with xh and I. It's important to stick to the story and not let out your own dislike of the other during that - stick to the "we don't love each other/want to be together anymore but we both still love you" lines.

Good luck

It does get better

Thank you. I’m tying myself it’s knots over it