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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

bit hurt with my mum

5 replies

sheepgomeep · 03/05/2007 21:51

I feel completely selfish for writing this but here goes anyway.

I'm nearly 39 weeks pg with my 3rd and I'm a little bit upset with my mum but I don't know if I've a right to be, really.

I've never had an easy relationship with her but she lives in the next village with my dad, she has been quite nasty and vicious in my past including last year when she called my dp an animal, scum, thick etc for no reason apart from he comes from a rougher part of town and she was being snobby. She never helped us when we moved house either.

Well we got over that and put all of our differences aside when my dad had a heartattack and was diagnosed with COPD, fluid on his lung, angina and had severe breathing difficulites about 2 months ago, and was in hospital for 6 weeks.

Now I know my mum went through hell, as she was off work for stress, had money worries but still was generous enough to help me out with my phone bill and lent me her car as we were struggling too. I've sorted my finances out and have the money to pay her back which she wont accept. We helped her out in other ways that we could, did her housework, dp sat with dad in the hospital when she couldn't, did odd jobs for her etc.

Now she's gone weird and i'm a bit upset. Ok deep breath. For all our differences and her oddness we are quite close, she and dad are very good grandparents. This will be my 3rd baby and they have always been there for me really.

My dad is out of hospital and is on the mend, he's really well considering and is getting out and about which is lovely to see, things have really settled down for them and my mum looks happier.

My mum told me a couple of weeks ago that her no 1 prioty is my dad now (which of course it should be) and she couldn't get excited about the baby or interested in anything else at the momet. I thought ok fair enough, she's been through a lot, I'll leave it. I completely understand why they can't be as supportive as they used to be

Today we were round having a cuppa, and I went a bit quiet cos the baby was having a bit of a squirm and it felt quite painful. My mum said oh for heavens sake, you've only got 8 days left, your condition is self inflicted, just think of poor old dad he has got this for the restof his life, will you just f*ing smile)she never asks how I am, she has gone quite cold on me and she started taking the piss out of me in front of dp, making little snidey comments. She used to do with exp and he used to hate it.

My dad tried to ask after the kids as he can't see them much and he misses them and I just started telling him when she butted in and completely changed the subject back to my dads health problems.

I don't know maybe its just me, I'm hormonal I suppose, it has hurt me a bit. I know they have been through a lot, but my mum dosen't seem to care all that much, I'm not expecting a lot it just would be nice to be asked after and not have impatient snidey comments all the time.

Or am I being stupid, any opinions welcome

OP posts:
boyslovegranny · 03/05/2007 21:56

You aren't being stupid - I imagine this must be very hurtful.

Is there any chance your mum could be depressed? I understand your baby is not her priority but to have no feelings towards it at all, and being so mean to you doesn't sound normal.

Boco · 03/05/2007 21:58

I don't think you're being stupid, it's an emotional time, and leading up to childbirth can be scary and you feel quite vulnerable. It's normal to hope your mum will be supportive, sympathetic and excited for you.

It sounds to me like your mum has some real anxiety issues because of your dad's illness, she sounds stressed out and is reacting very insensitively.

That's not your fault, and it's ok to hope for more from her. I'm sure she cares, but maybe if she's really anxious, she just can't cope with any more worry and is pushing you away a bit so that she doesn't have to give anything else. I'm guessing wildly and probably not helping, but i hope everything goes ok for you.

sheepgomeep · 04/05/2007 10:09

I think your both right, looking at it from a distance. She is a really anxious person anyway and she jumps at the slightest noise but wont get help.

I do feel really vulnerable. Dp and I have got issues of our own and no other family at all not even on his side to help.

The only people that have helped us at all has been dp ex and her family, bizzare though that may sound. My ex's cousin is actually dp ex girlfriends sis in law and they have all been lovely (so far) to me and the kids.

I'm just wondering whether my mum has issues about this as well.

OP posts:
thegardener · 04/05/2007 18:06

it must be very difficult for you at the moment and a comment like she made when you had a bit of pain from the baby squirming wasn't very nice. maybe just give her a bit of space, she obviously can only cope with your dad's condition at the moment and the way she is at the mo you probably need the space too.

sheepgomeep · 04/05/2007 21:43

thanks thegardener, I've decided to give them some space, for the time being.

She did ring tonight to tell me that she definetely wont be there for the birth but she can have ds for me. She can't cope with dd, ds and my dad all at the same time so I just have to find someone to have dd for us.

ah well

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