Back story. Partner and I have been together two years and are very happy and settled. Partner had a divorce over two years ago which was about as civilised as it could be. ExW was having a long-term affair. Partner lives in my house while we look for our own place together. ExW lives near us. She has a new partner and things seem good for her too. We got on OK since the divorce but she has cut off contact now. The problem is all about my partner’s sister and BIL who, in spite of being appalled and angry about the affair, have stayed close to exW. They have three children under 5 and live a couple of hours away. They have stayed with exW a few times but never told us or popped in even though we are close by. OK it’s not easy with three small children, but my partner is trying not to be very hurt about this. We want to build a relationship with them as a couple and have visited but not stayed as we don't want to be too in their faces. There’s been a definite atmosphere but Partner has not been able to get any explanation from S and BIL. They are just about civil, but there’s never a smile and they can be a bit curt.
Recently we invited them to stay for a weekend. There were events in our town we thought they’d really enjoy. There are special diets to cater for so we agreed all meals would be at home. They were expected for Fri lunch. They didn’t show until the evening and were uncontactable all day so we’d kicked around not knowing what to do. When they turned up we offered them the evening meal we’d prepared but they said they’d eaten on the way. We had a fractious evening. Unsurprisingly, the little ones were unsettled in a strange place and took ages to get to sleep.
The next morning S and BIL asked us if we’d babysit for ‘a couple of hours’ as they wanted to shop without the children. We understood that and we agreed they’d be back at lunchtime to go to our local events. S and BIL didn’t show until the evening and again couldn’t be contacted in the day. They left us with their three children, who we don’t know very well and who made it plain they resented being left and ‘didn’t like us’. We had no child-friendly car or pushchairs so were pretty much house-bound. By the time S and BIL arrived home we’d entertained the children all day and fed them tea. They picked at the kids’ left-overs. I said I was getting our special meal ready. They said they’d eat it anyway but then didn’t. Another fractious evening followed during which BIL surfed for porn to ‘show his wife’ and kept having to shut it down every time a child appeared. I felt so awkward an uncomfortable in my own home. Sunday morning we all went out in the car to an event. On the way BIL wanted to ‘pop into a shop’ but disappeared for an hour leaving us all parked and waiting while the kids went crazy. It was then too late for us to visit the event. It was such a relief when they finally went home, unsurprisingly, without a word of thanks.
I feel like we’ve been abused and dread spending any more time with them but my partner is desperate to keep things going with his S and I feel unable to assert myself about behaviour I couldn’t tolerate from anyone else. It feels as if we haven’t been given a chance. We know exW gets none of this sort of thing which makes it even more baffling. Where do we go from here?