At what stage just you just write a relationship off as dead?

[UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername]

I've been with DH for 18 years, and things have gone so far downhill in the last few. We don't fight much, but we don't do much of anything, really; any affectionate behaviour is initiated by me, conversations are started by me, he doesn't really tell me anything about what's going on with him. There's no real relationship there, really, we're more like two roommates who happen to have kids to look after. He does sometimes try to initiate sex but to be honest, given that he's never interested enough to have a conversation with me or give me a hug, I'm not really fussed about physical intimacy.

I've tried talking to him about this (so many times!) and he generally just suggests that we do more together. Last week he suggested that I come out to the kids' karate lesson with him that evening as 'doing something together'; I pointed out that last time I went, he sat beside me reading a book and then went out to sit in the car.

He's not being honest, either; he lied last week about going to an activity when actually he was working late (definitely!). He doesn't tell me his plans till the last minute, he makes plans with his family and doesn't tell me till he's practically going out the door. I feel he's not living as part of a couple; he doesn't seem to think that his movements are anything to do with me.

I'm blue in the face asking him to stop spending money, as well. He has never taken financial responsibility and no matter what I say and how many times I beg, he just keeps spending unnecessarily regardless. I'm left with sole responsibility for trying to keep us out of debt and I'm tired of it.

There's no abuse or anything going on, but I'm starting to feel that my life would be more straightforward if we separated. Is it awful to consider breaking up the family (we do have kids) for that?

Do you still love him?

Sounds like you'd be happier on your own.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?.

What do you get out of this still?.

I would not want to keep on showing your children that this relationship is still acceptable to you on some level, you're basically showing them that a loveless relationship could be their norm too. What he says and what he does are two very different things. Children are perceptive and pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken.

I don't think I love him; I don't feel able to tell him I do because it feels like a lie.

That’s sad. Have you got the means to walk away or take the house on independently?
Do you think you’ve given it enough of a try?
Those would me my thoughts. If you aren’t sure, Relate or similar can help you work through your feelings, alone if necessary, or with him if you both want to try.

Last week he suggested that I come out to the kids' karate lesson with him that evening as 'doing something together'

Do you think he genuinely saw that as an opportunity for you to connect, or was he just throwing random suggestions at you?

He doesn't really do better than random suggestions. He doesn't really seem able to engage in conversation about this, to be honest. He mostly sits there staring at the floor; if he says anything at all, it's generally just something I've already said, worded differently. If I push too much, I'll get an angry 'well, what do you want me to say?'. And then he'll find something to blame me for.

To be honest, I don't think he'd bother putting much thought into suggestions, because he doesn't think there's a problem. When I mention lack of emotional connection, he just looks confused, as if he doesn't know what I'm talking about. He says he likes being married to me because I provide 'relaxed companionship' and I'm 'intellectually unchallenging' (he meant it as a compliment!), which seem to mean he doesn't feel the need to interact.

I could walk away. I'd need to move to a smaller house but it's doable, financially.

My story is different from yours but i often used to think, 'if i was on my deathbed what would i say to him?'

Truthfully i woudnt even have wanted to see him.

And someone else said to me that one day 'boom' youre gone.

What kind of mother do your children deserve?

These are thoughts that got me through my decision making time.

When you think that actually life would be easier without the dead weight of him expecting you to maintain the relationship.

Not abusive, maybe, but not doing what he vowed to do when he married you - certainly.

Leave him. Do it kindly and as amicably as possible, but firmly.

Do you want to spend time with him?

Yes, I like spending time with him, but increasingly it feels like he's not really present mentally. And 'spending time together' mostly consists of just being in the same room as each other.

We work in the same office, which doesn't help. I think we never managed to separate our home and work relationships; when we first started to work together, we had to be more distant with each other in work than we were at home and instead of just being a work thing, it came home with us. I think. I could be wrong, maybe it would have happened anyway. I'm not good at judging these things.

If you feel like you don’t love him then it sounds on it’s way to being over for me

You should never stay with someone you don't love 'just for the kids'

The kids will sense you both aren't happy and it will affect them

They will be happier if you are both happy, inspired, motivated in your lives doing things you want to do , they will look up to you.

They won't feel inspired by parents who are just sitting it out because they think they should but actually are hating there life.

You should leave, go find your new lease of life! Follow your dreams and your kids will follow theirs !

If you told him you were leaving, how do you think he would react? Would you get any reaction?

He says he likes being married to me because I provide 'relaxed companionship' and I'm 'intellectually unchallenging' (he meant it as a compliment!), which seem to mean he doesn't feel the need to interact

Wow. So basically your role in his life is as a combination of his mum and his best mate?

Tell him to hire a housekeeper and buy a dog.

How old are your kids? Young children can put a lot of stress on a relationship. Is something like a date night a possibility? You might be able to reconnect in a setting where you had to talk like over dinner.

Can you change job? a bit of distance could change the dynamic, or clarify that splitting up is the way forward...

If he hasn’t always been like this could he be depressed?