Don't know whether to keep the friendship going

[Mandy03]

I'm a little curious to see how other people might handle this situation. I met a woman at playgroup about a year ago who I have a few things in common with - she has a little boy about a year younger than my ds, and she has two teenage sons... I have two adult stepsons (18 & 21). Our little boys play very well together and are both lively & boisterous . I've been to visit her on occasion, and a couple of months ago we met up at a park with another mum so our kids could play.

The thing is, I don't know how to take her. She's not very reliable, eg. my ds went to her son's birthday party in December and she phoned afterwards to say that she'd forgotten to give out the party bags, so she would drop one in my letterbox for ds & said she would see me soon. Well about 2 months went by, with no party bag and no contact from her at all. Finally I rang her and she said how excited she was to hear from me ??. Anyway at the beginning of July she emailed me and said she wanted to meet up at the park with our kids, & she also asked me if I would like to see a movie with her one day. I emailed her back the next day and said yes, and asked her what day she wanted to get together. Well... it is now August, and she has not responded to my email.

It's weird - if I don't contact her, I have a feeling it will probably be a long time before I hear from her again. But if I DO phone her, she'll probably act all excited to hear from me. I feel that it's either insincere or that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with leaving people hanging. It just bugs me because I try to be as reliable as I can and I wouldn't dream of just not responding to someone. Would you keep bothering with her, or just be inclined to let the friendship go?

I have a friend who is similiarly unreliable but we have enough of a connection that I've decided to just accept it as one of her funny traits. If we didn't have so much in common and such a good time when we're together then I probably would've let the friendship just fizzle out ages ago.

I guess you have to decide how much you really like this lady and if you're willing to be the main person responsible for arranging get-togethers, etc. If not, then I would just let it go. Good lord, it's like dating all over again!

agree with Tex - if you really enjoy her company when you do see her, and can handle being friends with someone on a very light basis, then why not make the odd suggestion?

I know I should try to accept that maybe this is what she's like, but does anyone else think there's something strange, or even (dare I say it) a bit rude about her actions? I know she's busy like everyone else, but to just not contact someone when they're waiting to hear from you seems a bit inconsiderate. She certainly doesn't appear to be that way when you talk to her, but her actions seem to say something else.

I must admit, sometimes when I bump into friends (particularly of the ones you only met because you have children and don't have much else in common with)we always say "Ooh, we must meet up" and then never get round to phoning each other. Then we bump into each other again in Tescos and say the same thing again. If they did actually phone me after such a meeting I would genuinely be very glad to hear from them and want to meet up (even though I hadn't phoned her!) Don't know if that makes sense but I guess I'm trying to say that if you enjoy her company and don't mind making all the running you may as well carry on. I would love a friend like you who remembers and gets round to ringing!

It is a bit rude. But is she apologetic when she sees you again? I'd say if it really winds you up, then don't pursue the friendship because it will be more trouble than it's worth, and you don't want to spend negative energy thinking about someone who doesn't add anything positive to your life, but if you actually enjoy being with her and can put up with her unreliability, just accept it - some people are just very vague and flaky about things like this and need someone else to organise them. It's whether you want to take on that role!

I think the ball is in your court - she is not going to change in her approach and nothing rude is intended by her to you - she genuinely likes you and is pleased to see you.

If she drives you nuts then leave it - if you are happy to make the running and enjoy seeing her then do!!!

I am a bit "vague & flakey" myself like this...and social organisation is not my strong point! ie it's quite rare that I would get it together to suggest something and also follow it up later myself within a sensible time frame!
Rude? maybe, but not intentionally.

What I find rude is other people being late, and find it really hard to stay friends with anyone like this!

Meanbean she's not apologetic, she just seems to act as though nothing has happened (all friendly & nice). I'm confused now about whether she actually wants to be friends at all, or whether - like Tommy says - she's only staying in contact because we've got kids in common and not much else. Sigh... it's a hard one isn't it. You never know what's going on in someone else's head!!

I'm finding that I am likely to be in a similar position. Really like a girl, she is perhaps one of the nicest people I have met, but she frequently changes plans, arrangements and is quite often ill. She is quite a delicate little flower, and as much as I like her the friendship has fizzled out. She has just told me she is pregnant and seems keen to make arrangements to meet and is discussing things we can do on maternity leave... I really do like her and now we have this in common I have just decided to see how it goes. I will try and accept that this is how she is and not take it personally and just see how we are getting along. If I find that it is causing me problems I will rethink. Hope that makes sense! Women eh!!!

Weird, I was just thinking about writing a thread about a similar situation. Having sent a friend e-mails and texts with no response I am now seriously wondering if it is worth it. I have always considered her a good friend, she was my bridesmaid and one of the few people I phoned when DS came along 11 weeks ago - that was also the last time we spoke . . . I also introduced her to the love of her life.

I feel quite cross with her now as I have always done the running, last year when I split from my husband she cold shouldered me and only got in touch to tell me off (her partner works with my new partner and apparently her partner didn't like the atmosphere between them). She was the only person I know who judged me when I made a very difficult decision regarding my marriage, she has always had a slightly superior air and I feel sometimes that her lack of contact is more than just forgetfulness or being busy - I have DS and still manage to text and e-mail!

I do feel sad and I am reluctant to let it go but am not sure what to do for the best, I am thinking about letting it all out in a letter but she can be easily offended and won't speak to me again - and then again what would I have to lose?

I think what annoys me the most is that I am 31 years old and was hoping to get past that teenage/playground angst by now!

I wouldn't write a letter - well, don't send it anyway. People do change and do grow out of friendships. It's sad but it's life I think

Mandy03 - I'm not this person, but I could be. I'm afraid I virtually never follow up on vague commitments, though I rarely forget firm commitments with a date and a time. I really don't do it to be rude, but I think time in my reality moves at a different speed to everyone else's, and 'sometime' turns into 3 months in the blink of an eye. I'll bet that this woman would be happy if you phoned her and arranged a play date for a fixed day in the next week.

In my (and her) defence, flakey people have good points, I rarely get annoyed if people have to cancel at the last minute and I'm usually happy to do things at short notice.

Libb - It is always terrible when friendships start to fall apart(goodness that sounds like a tv title), I stopped speaking to a bridesmaid and good friend of mine about 3 years ago. She was seeing a guy who was a jerk and she started to become incredibly unreliable ie not showing up for dinner and not returning phone calls. In the end I stopped bothering. When she broke up with this guy sometime later, she phoned me crying!!!!! I didn't forgive her straightaway but we have since rebuilt our friendship to the level it was at before.

Mandy03, I don't think I would bother with her, as like meanbeans says it is more effort than worth. Unless you are confident that she will become more reliable etc you will always feel like this which is not good for the soul!

Libb, I have got to know you a little bit on here and through e mails and I think your lovely. If your friend is going to be snooty about it all and not treat you properly then don't bother with her. It sounds like she has been really rude and inconsiderate, and you just don't need to bother with her!! Don't let her get you down, you have enough to worry about without her. Your great fun and a good laugh, she should be grateful to have you! Sending you love and hugs.

Amazing.. I emailed her this morning just to say "hi, I haven't heard from you (HINT HINT) so I thought I'd drop you a line to see how you're going". I just updated her with what I've been doing and left it at that. I thought, at least if she doesn't get back to me I'll know that she doesn't really care about keeping in touch.

So I got an email back from her within a couple of hours, saying 'sorry I've been so hopeless about contacting you lately' and wrote several paragraphs about what's been going on in her life. She finished up the email by saying that she'd like to get together next week. Well, I'm glad she responded - but I know that if I hadn't written to her, it probably would've been months before she contacted me again. It's so frustrating! I find it hard not to feel a bit offended but I suppose it just goes to show that people are all so different, aren't they.

Mandy - glad to hear you have had a more positive response. She sounds so like me. I am terrible at arranging social events and tend to leave it up to others - ot out of laziness or lack of interest, more because I am very shy, hate using the phone (will avoid ringing anyone other than immediate family) and just don?t have that kind of confidence to do a casual "so what are you doing on Fri morning, fancy coming over for a coffee?" It is stupid and illogical but I just don?t seem to do it right. Either I am so busy with my children that I simply forget to ask someone when I see them out and about or when at playgroup or just can?t seem to find the right moment where it would fit in ok. I am also really ashamed of the state of my home and find it really hard to get beyond that - we live in a small shabby house in a posh village.
I have recently become friendly with a girl at our local toddler group with two children similar ages as mine and we have met up quite frequently for several months - my saving grace with this much needed contact with another mum is that she is confident, outgoing, a real organiser and a little bit pushy with me (in a nice way). When we meet up she brings her diary with me and "books me in" for the following week and makes me write it down! She texts me any changes and I text her and I am surprised at how much I value our friendship considering we are chalk and cheese. I think I calm her down and her wacky confidence brightens me up and brings me out of myself. This is the first decent friendship I have made since i was working three years ago and I know that it wouldn?t have happened if it hadn?t been for her. I don?t know why she has put up with me and perservered at our friendship as the arranging has been so one sided, I just hope my warm and genuine reception when we do meet up shows her how much it does mean to me. This thread has made me feel a bit guilty and I think I might be a bit more open with her when we meet up next.
Stick with your friendship, the fact you have persevered this much shows that it must mean something to you and if she is like this with everyone she might not have that many friends and so yours might be realy important to her.

StripyMouse don't feel guilty, it doesn't come naturally to me either a lot of the time!! I found the mother & toddler group situation a bit daunting and it took a while to get to know the women there, but over the course of 2 yrs (going to the same one every week) I made three friends who I still keep in touch with, although not on a weekly basis. We email and phone regularly, but get-togethers are only every few weeks or so, sometimes once a month.

Your friend sounds fabulous... I think I need someone like her too, to organise me! I also find it hard to make the first move and I think I only do it for ds' sake a lot of the time, because he gets on well with the other kids and he doesn't have any siblings at home to play with. It's been a case of forcing myself to get out there and do it because sometimes I really don't feel like socialising. I guess we can't change the way we are, although I really envy people like your friend who can just take charge and not feel uncomfortable about doing it .