How to have self condifence/self esteem?

[cinderfrickingrella]

I split up with my ex around 1.5 years ago. I consider him to be EA.. but mildly. Both of my other exes have been the same. The first physically abusive.

Even though I initiated the break up with them, I have gone back to them - again, mostly initiated by me. Begged in some cases.

I met a guy through a friend and took him home with me. I realised that any time he said something complimentary to me, I either replied with a negative comment or felt uncomfortable. Also, as things were progressing physically, I just had no confidence whatsoever.

How do I fix this?

Do you have any idea why you lack confidence? Have you tried counselling? Sounds good that you recognise the pattern.

Not really. I just always feel like I'm not good enough or not worthy or don't deserve something.

I have a real problem saying no and have got myself into some tricky situations because of this.

I always feel guilty, even for things that are out of my control.

I find it really difficult to make decisions if it involves anyone else. If someone says 'what do you want to do today?' I will have ideas but won't say them incase they think they're stupid.

I try to please everyone, care far too much what other people think, always think people are thinking bad about me..

I just don't want to be like this anymore.

Some of the things advised for low confidence/self esteem are challenging yourself; pushing yourself out of your comfort zone; volunteering to realise your worth...

I'm similar to you though and, whilst I find that my confidence/self esteem improve enough to assert and maintain boundaries, the positive impact isn't sustained.

Just read your last post, I recognise a lot of what you are saying

I don't think you can just have self esteem/confidence. It's something that's grown IYSWIM.

Although you can fake it in the meantime.

cinder,

Re your post of 14.18 where did those attitudes start?. Was it from home i.e. your parents?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up from them?.

Counselling for your own self is a must do now (BACP are good) as well as enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid; ideally you should do this in person. None of this will be a quick fix and it will be hard going on occasion but it will be worth it so that you make better choices going forward re boundaries in relationships and not just romantic ones.

It's really good and insightful that you can spot what it is that's going on, and know it's not right. I would suspect that there's something about your childhood or later experiences that have taught you this behaviour.

It's true that gradually trying to challenge yourself can improve your confidence, but in my experience that is more outward; you are better able to cope with the lack of confidence but the basic beliefs are still there somewhere.

Could you afford counselling? Would you be able to arrange counselling? I'd also recommend looking into possible depression and medical treatment - just a personal recommendation in that it was only on medication that I first truly believed I was as good as anyone else. Off medication now I can still remember that happy me knew better, so I can mainain that belief to some extent.

Alongside the medication I also had counselling which helped me understand a lot about my life that I hadn't realised. A lot of things you just take for granted and don't see as being difficult because you don't know any other way. I realised that actually I didn't have the greatest of childhoods, which allowed me to forgive myself a little. Because of course (rolls eyes) if you lack self-confidence, you also feel bad about the fact that you lack self-confidence, and that contributes further to your lack of confidence (human beings are such complicated creatures :D).

Are there any factors such as not having a job, not having a nice job, not having finished school, looking a bit funny or anything along those lines that are not helping the situation?

You actually sound as if you are already a long way to addressing these behaviours because you recognise them. Many people don't!

Could you start by trying to just tackle one issue at a time? It's quite a daunting prospect otherwise.

For example, take the first thing on the list 'difficulty saying no'.

Can you provide us with a few scenarios you have recently encountered where this has been an issue?

One reason people lack self esteem is because they have very fixed and often unfair standards of what they should be able to do. Because they think they absolutely should be able to do something then logically if they can't they must be completely worthless. One way to improve you self worth is to start challenging these unreasonable standards wherever you can. They are often something you have unthinkingly picked up in childhood or something. Use your rational adult mind to challenge your irrational fixed beliefs about what you should or must do to be worthy. For example do you believe you must please everyone and no one must ever be upset with you. Of course you would like to please them if possible , but you don't always have to. What's going to happen if you don't? Someone might be a little off with you and it would be a bit upsetting, but not the end of the world. You would have a cuppa and come for a moan on mumsnet and soon feel better. The person would be inconvenienced and might have to find some other poor sucker to do their bidding. It certainly wouldn't mean you were unworthy, no one can please everyone all the time it's just impossible since people often have conflicting needs.

Thank you for all your replies.

I didn't have a great childhood, my mum had me at 17, was forced to marry my Dad, when I was six they split. I let him in one morning and he tried to strangle her in front of me.

My mum got with someone else not long after. He was really nice. They had my sister and after that I felt pushed out. Not sure if that's just how I felt or if it was warranted. I felt like I was tainting their perfect family. I always felt like I'd ruined my mum's life by being born.

As I got older, my Mum used to always tell me I was just like my father (I didn't have any contact with him after the strangling incident). I was a liar like him, devious like him, etc.. Just for normal teenage stuff.

When I was a teenager I had really bad teeth and glasses, very gangly and awkward. As soon as someone showed interest in me, I would basically let them do what they wanted. I first had sex at 15, then pretty much didn't care how many people I had sex with after. If I wasn't sure and someone put it on me a bit, I would just feel obliged to go through with it.

My first DD's dad was emotionally and physically abusive. Every time we split up, he would terrorise me until I couldn't take anymore and back down. It came to a head when my sister was trying to defend me and he hit her around the face. He broke my finger on that same occasion but I know the only reason I didn't go back is because he hit my sister.

If you met me, you wouldn't guess any of how I feel. I have a decent (albeit very boring) job.. worked there over 15 years. Got two beautiful, well looked after children, have a mortgage. Go on holidays most years. I'm friendly, act like the life and soul of the party, etc.. but that is all it is.. an act.

I did speak to the doctor about some of this before and he prescribed antidepressants, but my ex was against me taking them so I didn't in the end. I think I can access some kind of councelling through my work. I will look into it..

Wow.. this is really long (sorry)

It's been cathartic just writing some of it down.

Well, there you are ... hardly surprising if that has left its traces, is it?

I had the same experience of having a nice stepfather but feeling like I was excess baggage. I think that's largely just from being intelligent enough to realise that you could be seen as an irritant. In my case also partly because my mother is not a cuddly type exactly, so there was never anyone telling me that they actually did love me. To be honest, though, it was an unfortunate situation for al of us that wasn't ideal, but ... that's life. Not ideal. Even if your mum's life was ruined (which to be honest it wasn't, was it?), that's not your fault, is it? As an adult now, how would you feel if you saw a little girl in the same situation? How would you see her position? Why do you think your mum acted the way she did? How was her childhod? (Sorry, sounds a bit like homework!)

I'd also look into antidepressants again if it was only your ex that was against them. They are not some kind of coward's way out, they are a useful way of seeing the world properly, not through the filter of depression, and used by many upstanding members of the community :) And definitely counselling, it is reaaally cathartic. Though makes you feel knackered from the emotions and thinking.

What kind of a job do you have - do you have special qualifications? Tell us a bit about some of your achievements.