The worst part about cutting off parents

[Dojos]

I posted a long one about my toxic parents and how it had reached breaking point. And fr the first time at nearly 40 I'm making decisions without them, and trying (mostly unsuccessfully, but still trying) to find some self esteem, its liberating and emotionally devastating all at the same time.

Because what I can't get my head around is that in the 2 months since we've not spoken they haven't once tried to make contact for the grandchildren that 'are their life'. My DD has messaging and she didn't get one message. Their own pride is more important than them. And I know they won't make contact first because they know this sucker is usually too soft and comes running back. Which I just won't this time. I guess there's a grieving process to go through, and they're in the angry phase ( like the last 40 years), so we will be forever in a peaceful but slightly tormented limbo.

Well it’s their loss.

I don't understand. If you have cut them off, why do you want them to contact you? Or the children?

That sounds a bit like game playing - like you want them to prove they're something to different to what you know they are.

I have been nc with my mother for 6 years. My biggest fear is that.she will try amd make contact with the children.

I see what you mean, we had a huge argument about abusive childhood incidents and subsequent emotional abuse that I didn't expressly cut them
off but it's the kind of exchange you don't really come back from. But no youre right I really don't want them to make contact as I don't know how to have them
In my life in a way that is healthy for me but I guess I'm just angry/upset they didn't even try to. Just confirms what I think they are like - it hurts nonetheless.

I'm just angry/upset they didn't even try to. Just confirms what I think they are like - it hurts nonetheless.

Sadness and anger are very common feelings after going no contact. I went NC with my Mum and she has since died but I still swing beteeen those two feelings. Anger that she treated me as she did. Sadness that she was never the mother I needed and that she’s missed so much of my Dds lives.
Although there was also huge relief that I no longer had her drama to cope with. And that is also very common.

It’s early days for you. Take care of yourself

I get that.

It is shit and it is upsetting and it does hurt to have it confirmed.

And everything Lizzie said.

To be fair, if you take steps to cut them off, then why want them to make contact with your dc?

I have been NC with my mother for over 20yrs, I want her to stay as far away from my dc as possible.