I'm just so sad and I don't know what to do

[PJsAndABlanketOnTheSofa]

I'm really just posting here to get some feedback from other people. I'm feeling pretty fragile at the moment so it would be nice if you could bear that in mind if you reply.Thanks

Long story short - I had an emotionally/physically abusive upbringing; there was a lack of emotional warmth from parents; I spent a lot of time very fearful; even now, I'm scared of making mistakes, scared of getting things wrong, scared of being mocked, ridiculed and humiliated; I was told I wasn't good enough and no one would ever love me.

I've had 2 proper relationships - one was about 3 years long - abusive e.g. tried pushing me down the stairs when pregnant; went to punch me when pregnant, I moved, he hit the wall and disclocated his shoulder.

Moved back home as I had nowhere else to go, mother made me homeless when I was in hospital having my child and I ended up in a mother and baby care home for nearly a year.

I had a friend who became my 'Knight in Shining Armour' - he 'rescued' me. We both knew we weren't together for love, and he came to resent me for it, but he was, and still is, a good dad to my son (his stepson). We married, had another child and split up after 12 years together when he met someone who he loved and who loved him.

I have done a lot of work on myself over the past few years since separating. On paper, I think look ok but I just feel so inadequate, so worthless and completely unloveable.

I met a man a year ago whilst at an event in my local town. We became friends and got to know each other over a few months. We started seeing each other and were together for about 7 months. He ended it last week.

I'm just utterly heartbroken. Not specifically at having lost him, although that really hurts - but I was ok before him and I'll be ok without him - but also/mainly because I've never had a successful relationship; I have/had never been loved. I felt there was potential with this man and so did he but, ultimately, he felt that I was witholding and that I withdrew from him if I had things going on/on my mind. He wanted to be there for me and to love me but I wouldn't let him. He said I kept him at a distance. He said I didn't 'let him in' and he said it was hurting him too much being with me.

I've had the same from friends. I find it difficult to make/progress/develop all sorts of relationships - with neighbours/colleagues/friends because I worry that if they get too close they'll get to know the real version of me that my parents saw. I'm genuine - but I don't assume that people like me and so I don't 'impose' on them or their lives in any way.

And he was right. I do withdraw, I do withhold, I didn't allow him to love me. I could feel myself doing it but I couldn't stop it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be loved. It feels foolish and scary and arrogant.

I miss him so much. But he did the right thing in ending it because I couldn't give him what he needed/wanted.

But I'm just heartbroken now because I've lost someone I genuinely cared about and who I actually believed cared about me. I trusted him, I allowed myself to be more vulnerable with him than I ever have with anyone before, we did romantic things and I've never been romantic! But it still wasn't enough. He was offering me the kind of relationship I want but I didn't know how to do it.

Ah shit that was long. Sorry!

It seems like everything is still raw from this recent relationship . Just wondering what you mean by doing 'work on yourself' and 'looking good on paper'?? It sounds like you're refurbing a house not talking about a person!
Everything that happens around you is not always a direct consequence of your actions or any shortcomings you perceive you may have. Some things may have happened whatever / for other reasons and you shouldn't beat yourself up that everything is you fault.
It seems like your trying to tie in everything that might happen/has happened in recent times with the same things as have hurt you before. If you carry on like that you'll be setting any new things up to fail from day 1.
Did the recent guy know the troubles you've had/ make allowances?

Have you talked to anyone formally about your difficulties?

I'm sure you've got so much to offer and of course can be loved and love the right person x

Mrsmoo28 I really just meant that I've lost some weight; done some exercise; I've got a couple of hobbies that take me out of the house 2 nights a week; I had some counselling and my confidence, self esteem and boundaries are all better now than ever before...

In terms of looking good on paper, I suppose it's things like - I have a degree and a masters; I work in a professional field; I'm a reasonably accomplished musician on a few instruments and I perform in public with a couple of groups; I volunteer with local charities; I have interests... I suppose I mean that I'm not looking for a man to 'fix' me or to provide me with a life.

But I just don't feel good enough.

He did know, but I wasn't able to give him the sort of relationship he wanted because of the way I withold. And, after all, no one owes anyone a relationship...

That's true. No one owes you and neither you them.

It sounds like you have a very full life and are a high achiever in many things and are managing to juggle work with an active social life.

Maybe it wasn't your emotional shortcomings as you seem to seem them that were the issue maybe it was more about compatibility?? Maybe if there was enough there / you were comparable enough any giving/taking issues / anxiety behaviours based on past behaviours could have been worked on alongside the relationship either by you alone or somehow jointly?

7 months is a short time....do you think him/you were expecting too much too soon. It takes time to build trust and to feel comfortable to divulge oneself especially if you've experienced feeling emotionally exposed. Maybe it was too deep too soon?

Has he moved on?

No, he hasn't moved on. He's blocked me and, by all accounts, is equally upset. He's avoiding me too. So we would normally go to the same pub on a Friday night and he didn't go so that he wouldn't run into me.

It sounds like you have a very full life and are a high achiever in many things and are managing to juggle work with an active social life.

See this is the thing, that's why I say I look good on paper. Because the reality is that I don't have a permanent job because of my fears/anxieties around not being good enough and fear of people realising I'm shit. So I work full time, but only ever on short term contracts.

I don't have an active social life - I don't speak to anyone from one day to the next. I see my closest friend once every 6 weeks or so for a couple of hours and the only people who ever text me are my children. I have sociable hobbies but I don't interact with people outside of them. I don't have anyone I can go for coffee for example.

It does take time to build trust, you're right, but I usually don't ever get to that point because I'm so mistrustful. All I really mean is that I was able to take this man at face value and accept what he said. I wasn't worried if/when he went out without me, I didn't question or doubt his intentions. I didn't have any reason to doubt him.

I don't think it was too deep, too soon. We saw each other a couple of times a week and were getting to know each other slowly. I think I just liked what I was learning about him. He isn't perfect and was open about those things too.

I just feel like my own inadequacies have got in the way of this and it just makes me feel really sad.

I think you've done an amazing job to come back from such a terrible childhood. You don't mention your relationship with your children, but I expect that you have broken that cycle of abuse and that alone is an incredible achievement.

One thing jumped out at me from your last post, when you described your worry about being "found out" at work. Have you ever heard of imposter syndrome? Have a Google and see if it resonates with you. It might be one area that you could tackle, which perhaps would help with your confidence in other areas.

Thanks, cheese. I decided to parent my children by doing the opposite to everything my parents did. It's worked so far - I have an older teen and a preteen and am really close to both of them. So yes, I did manage to break it.

My dad died a few years ago and I'm no longer in contact with my mother. Her contempt of me caused her to put my children at risk. We're nc with her - it's 'official'.

I have heard of imposter syndrome. I don't know if it's that. I get it with everyone and everything though - not just at work. I become so anxious and feel so inadequate that I can't really function properly. I had the opportunity in one of my groups to take on a more prominent position performance wise. I practised and could play it well but, when it came to playing with the others, I just couldn't do it.

The last time I tried a longer term position at work, it became noticeable to snr management and they called me in because they were worried about me. I'd withdrawn at work and gone from being confident and competent to being a bag of nerves and struggling to cope. They said they could 'see' me change.

It's the same with everything - my competence, confidence, capability is inversely proportionate to the duration of my involvement. So the longer my employment; the longer my relationships; the more involved I am with an organisation; the better people know me; the more responsibility i have, the more I withdraw, the more inadequate and less confident I feel. It's getting worse as I get older too.

That's why I'm so sad about this relationship ending - it didn't happen with him at all (it usually starts within a few weeks). I felt safe with him and it was the first time I'd felt safe in my whole life. I hadn't put all my hopes and expectations on him, just that even feeling better and more confident with him didn't stop me from withdrawing. Even though I didn't feel anxious etc my behaviour was no different.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Do you have social anxiety? I do and am very shy. I am lucky enough to have a handful of close friends but my second husband now wants to leave me. I don't/can't interact with other mums at the school gates. It is horrible

I am considering getting some counselling for social anxiety, cbt. I had a similar background to yours

Can you tell him what you've said here? Even if it's written down?

mcvities I have AS so a degree of social anxiety goes with it. But it's one of the things I've been trying to work on. I'm fine initially/on a superficial level but I can't take it any further.

Everyone thinks I'm lovely and bubbly when they first meet me but I can't sustain it or take it any further.

I'm sorry you feel similarly, it's horrible. I have had some cbt and use the techniqies to manage negative self talk etc but I can't sustain it.

Monkey he knows

I do understand how you feel. Even with my few friends, I put on a more 'acceptable' version of myself. I think if people see the real me, they'll see what my parents did and reject me

My first husband was a good person but thought I should be over it because I had him now and that should have made me better. He felt useless and,left, now my second husband says he makes me unhappy

My sister, however, has similar problems and her husband listens to and understands if she pushes him away

It sounds like you have raised two lovely, well adjusted children, of which you should be very proud

mcvities I know what you mean about the more 'acceptable' version.

I try really hard to do the things I know I'm supposed to do bit it's still not enough.

This man said he couldn't make me happy and it was making him unhappy too. He did make me happy but whenever he tried to get closer to me, I pushed him away. We talked about it a few times. Everytime I tried to let him in but after a couple of weeks I started.to withdraw again. It was making him feel unhappy. I can see why. It wasn't jist emotional: I was physically tensing up and struggled to make eye contact with him when he was just being affectionate. But it wasn't because he didn't make me happy and it wasn't because I didn't care. And it certainly wasn't because I wasn't attracted to him or didn't want to.

I know it sounds dramatic to say "I'll never meet anyone" but i'm mid 40s. I don't often meet single men and am not attracted to the ones I do.

I don't really trust or have much faith in men. I don't like/tolerate porn; I wouldn't forgive being cheated.on; I expect to be treated as the equally competent person I am and not a.delicate flower; I need time on my own to recouperate and do my own thing - I don't.want to be in someone else's pocket or for them to be in mine.

All these have been issues in any relationship I've tried to have and, if I'm honest, I don't like much of many men meet.

Just makes me really sad that I'll never experience love, I suppose.

He has texted me.

It's the first time I've heard from him since he ended it.

He thanked me for not getting in touch and leaving him alone. He said he was really sorry and that he loved me and wanted to make me happy but that he couldn't and it was making him unhappy too.

He said he just wants me to be happy.

I'm just so sad.

That sounds heartbreaking, especially as you have told him all about your past

I don't think any of the things you are asking for are unreasonable. The thing with feeling low self worth, is that you automatically blame yourself entirely

My ex husband and current husband said the exact same things to me about feeling powerless to make me happy. I know lots of confident people who go through break ups but don't seem to beat themselves up as much

I feel for you, I know exactly how you feel